What are we doing
I don’t even know
Why can’t I
Just let these feelings go
We’ve stayed innocent
But for how long
Next time we’re alone
What if things move along
That’s not what we want
But I don’t know if that’s true
There’s ideas in my head
That want to be pursued
But I can’t give in
There’s too much to lose
So I'm hopelessly in lust
With nothing I can do

The shaft of moonlight stabs the
Soft skin between my *******.
I stare at the tips of my flesh
Imagine a babe suckling there.

You once told me you wished for children.
You once told me my hips and soft stomach foretold a healthy and long motherhood.
You once told me I already smelled of milk and sweet breath;
All I lacked was the baby powder.

You once told me.

You once told me the pink and purple of my *** was too mottled and unkempt.
You once told me the space between my eyes offset the masters degree I hung on my office's wall.

You once told me if I put as much time into my job as this family, I wouldn't be watching you shove your clothes into a worn and broken-toothed suitcase.

You used to lie there, between my *******,
The moisture of your breath evaporating off my skin and cooling my ******* to a point.
You'd laugh, press a kiss to each,
And tell me they must miss your tongue and teeth.

I scoot up the bed, sheets scratchy and sticking to my flushed skin.
The moonlight traces a path down my ribcage and navel,
A touchless touch that makes me ache for real fingers and real body heat.

I hear him, moving about the kitchen
Humming that Bob Seger song that tickled the back of my neck when I slid onto the back of his motorcycle,
Voices echoing in the half-empty parking lot.
I can see his hips swaying in the night sky
The slow ****** and long extended neck in the clouds.
I can smell his sweat and ***** on my body, the moist night breeze pushing him further into my lungs.

I press my face to the pillow
Inhale the detergent where you used to sweat pheromones, drool on, and bite when I kissed my way down between your thighs.

He starts to whistle, the *******.

He's tone deaf.

I press my lips flat, contain the laughter my body aches to set free.

You once told me that to be with a man was denying my true sexuality.
You once told me that if we were to marry, I'd never know a day without true joy.

I wonder what it felt like, love,
When he ****** you in our bed.
When he ate you on our sheets
Your *** on him his scent on you.

I wonder what it felt like, love,
To watch me fall apart.
To watch me scream and tear and bash my heart against the wall, the scent of your betrayal still hanging in the air between us.

I wonder what it felt like, love,
To deny your true sexuality.

I promised to love you forever.
I promised to care for you, in sickness and in health.
I promised to give you my all, and protect your heart with my life.
I promised.


He reaches the chorus one last time, and I feel my head begin to bounce
My toes tapping against the cool yellow paint of the wall.
The scent of bacon drifts beneath my door, overpowering his ***** and my sweat
And I roll out of bed, stomach grumbling.

I promised to love you forever, love.

When I **** him, I don't think of you.
When I **** him, he calls my name, not God's.
And when I **** him
I love it
And I don't miss your ***** for one ******* second.

Even his ******* bacon taste better than yours, you ****.

And when I tell him I love him, my lips against his naked shoulder,
My heart in my shaking hands,
He doesn't say that he's been ******* the mailman for the past three weeks.
And our married neighbor Kim.

He says "I love you, too."

And I believe him.

I stole something today, something
small, clustered buzzing neon lights
bright and explosive pleasure cries,
the kind that sell for an hour
but remain bitter and chalky
when swallowed dry. I paid for it with

earl gray and soft sighs, melting
sunrises the colors of quiet,
maroon and hazel and sweet corners of dusk.
She cracked herself open, like an egg or a popsicklestick bird cage,
ended her reign of my kingdom and handed me
the dripping, palpitating mass of dreams
that once existed behind her shuttered curtains.

I pulled it to my sternum, steaming
red and grained muscle hot in my
shaking hand. She smiled, those
earl grays that soothed stabbed those
pillows that pressed smothered and those
apples that blossomed rotted beneath soured flesh. My head bowed,

my chin pressed to my chest so that I might’ve
gnawed through my backbone. I
opened my mouth and bit
into her heart, and chewed in time to the
echoing of her clicking heels.