This house has never known silence.

Mostly the walls bounce.
With the sound of  her voice.

My mother has never been,
An even tempered woman.

Sure there are some days that her voice.
It is soft and sweet sounding like honey.

Those are the days everything goes her way.
Those are the days when her wallet is full.
Those are the days the drug fuels her addiction.

This house has never known silence.
If there is peace I have little hope.
I'll ever find it.

In through the nose

Straight to the brain

That chemical drip

I attempt to refrain

White of the snow

Sparkle of ice

Set it before me?

Doubt i’d think twice

i rise to the surface of the water,
stopping just before crossing the line between water and world,
as if to break through the threshold
is some sacred thing
and i am unworthy
of air, of life, of what floats above me,
just out of my reach.
i gasp.
water fills my lungs,
but the burn is familiar
like the ache of wanting and not wanting,
even knowing it will hurt me.
today, tomorrow, and forever,
until forever is no more.

On this day please remember,
all the souls who are not here.
The moms and dads and siblings,
people that someone once held dear.
The ones who fight addiction,
and the ones who never made it out.
The ones who held the belief,
that they were never cared about.
Even though they're gone now,
we still hold them in our heart,
we remember the person that they were,
before addiction had its start.
Take but just one moment,
if you feel you can spare the time.
And have one moment of silence,
to hold those lost ones in your mind.
Its not a difficult thing to do
just give it a try.
Because even on Christmas day,
addiction will still take,
at
             least
                        SEVEN
                                                                        
                                MORE
                                              lives.

Caffeine
I cannot live with it
Nor
I cannot  with out it
For I turn into a troll
At the  strike
9 am

Together,
I thought it was forever.
There I was having a serious ponder.
On where I'll end up regardless of whatever.

Like a shattered glass house,
My whole heart scattered.
Remembering that heart aching December,
Tears flow down in embers.
You left without warning,
And I was left sulking.

The shiniest star up high,
Is the only picture I have of you.
How? Why?
I never knew.
But still I'm forced to carry on,
With a life I didn't bargain for.

You swayed,
She stayed.
I felt weight swept off my shoulder pad,
Till one thought,
Fueled her reason to be fed up,
With both of us hooked up.

Well, it's fine.
She deserves to taste wine.
I let her,
Or more like; she let her.
With no consideration at all,
Of how I'll feel by it all.

Now, I'm alone,
The word itself is me.
And the only thing that keeps me going,
Is; "If he were here,
How far will I be from this five cruel wording"

It was my first indulgent,
Not quite my requirement.
I did it anyways, even though my heart parted ways.
I got used to it,
I got obsessed and addicted.
I outgrowed and declined every form of forced agreement.
It didn't end there,
For I explored,
More than godess or god.
I didn't have a care in the world,
Of how I'll look,
If they found out about my world.

I'm innocent,
Or maybe I'm not.
I blame this, I blame that, I blame them,
But the fact is I carried on.
They were unable to bring me back,
For I myself had formed a pack.
I finally found my switch,
A hard switch; hard to press,
But it was there.

Now there is no turning back for me,
For the thought of written words,
Is what unlocks my secret door.
The pace was far,
The race was sour.
And today I say,
I guess I have to put up with this aching sensation,
Due to my Obsession and Addiction

Seeing My Dad Struggle

Growing up my dad always had problems. That's the main reason I'm not in his custody.
Recently Something went down, it was a dark day in February. My grandma and I had to
fill up on gas at Marathon. We had seen an ambulance at Menards. It didn't really dawn on us but I jokingly said “watch it be my dad”. We drove home. I have always loved
Driving home and looking outside the window is beautiful. When we get home we let our
dog out. I carried in firewood, and fed the deer. When I got inside I relaxed and suddenly
my grandma got a call that it was my dad. I thought “oh god what is it now”. My grandma
said we needed to hurry back to town. My dad was in the hospital. When we walked into the hospital my heart was racing, and thoughts ran through my head “I hope he’s okay”. My grandma asked “is Joseph Powell here?” the nurse nodded and we went to his room. When I walked in I instantly felt a lump in my throat, I wanted to cry. I saw my dad lying there staring at the ceiling, his whole body was shaking uncontrollably and his blood pressure was near 200. He apologized to me saying he never wanted me to see him like that. He would start puking in a bag. The room smelled like alcohol, cigarettes and it had that hospital smell. His voice was shaky and it made my eyes start to tear up, I knew I had to stay strong for him. The nurses were working hard finding him a detox. They finally found one and they were going to keep him there until a treatment bed opened up in the state. All that ran through my head was “Why does god let addiction happen” I felt like puking, I just wanted my funny, kind, outgoing dad again. Why did he have to fall victim to addiction? When they transferred him over he always called constantly. Years of dealing with my dads addiction I finally figured out that even when I went through treatment and withdrawal that you can't change someone who doesn't want to change, no matter how hard you try they need to change for themselves. All that trauma I went through wasn't my fault and in that moment seeing my dad I finally realized that. Like a quote from ‘beautiful boy’ says “If you could take all the words in the English language, it still wouldn't describe how much I love you.” Love won’t fix an addict unless they want to be fixed. My dad is currently 17 days sober and in detox.