they answered
acceptance
will cure your fears
but my question was different
will accepting my fears
will no longer give me
anxiety
or
panic attacks
either way even the situations were
different
they outcome was the same
me drenched in fears
every night

im not trying to cause a riot
but no more nice girl being quiet
im telling my story this time
and its not my fault you commited the crime
i've been hiding in the dark
healing on my own
but im not that same girl anymore
im not going to pick up my phone

it wasn't "one little mistake"
no, you knew i was barely awake
you took away my choice
but you didn't take away my voice
i'm ready to use it now
to speak up for the truth despite
the backlash i know i will inevitably face
when i look you in the eyes tonight

you told me what happened
while your hand was on my thigh
"its embarrassing you got that drunk"
even my friends turned a blind eye
it took me years to process
a simple caress would cause distress
but now i can say
nothing makes it okay
and nothing gave you the right
when i was passed out
6 years ago, midnight

I’m learning to love the parts of myself I used to hate.
I force myself to relive my regrets, to relive my pain.
I see each memory with fresh eyes, softening my gaze so I can not judge.

It still hurts to see what I wish I could reverse
When I couldn’t see past my delusions
I hurt so many people that I loved

I can not undo what had to be done
Fate wanted my heart to go on a journey.

I am thankful for the heartache, the loss
it taught me to accept my whole self

I had to first become who I am not
To find who I am.

I am soft
I am curve and lush flesh
I am smooth and round
I am sensuous comfort

and that is never a bad thing.

it seems ridiculous
to me
that
it does not matter
in spite
of what is
clearly
logically
and undeniably
the truth

just because
a mistake
was not
challenged
or
corrected
until now;
should not mean
we are forced
to accept
the hindrance
of this idiocy
and what it means
for
our future

They told me to get over someone you must get under someone else.

They said time heals all wounds.

I'm here to tell you I tried, and it didn't work but it served its purpose.

The anger that I hold inside,
the grief of knowing love like hers.

She was my lighthouse, without her,
I felt lost.
Aimlessly wandering.

I thought she was mine forever.
Now my outlook on forever is nothing but jaded.

What do I miss about her most you ask?
I'd say her nurturing side,
how she always had time to listen to my manic thoughts.

She held me and hooked me with her tenderness.
Her love was like the sun,
the longer it stayed out the longer you get burned.

And in the end, I did end up burning.

I burned so much that I became a phoenix,
rising from the ashes.
3 years passing.

Eternally accepted in God’s Son,
His righteousness now credited to me,
I’m pardoned, justified, set fully free.
By grace through faith, hesed is ne’er undone.
No merit of myself on which to stand,
my works of flesh and law won’t favor earn.
But God Himself in Christ, I’d finally learn,
had satisfied each holy, just demand.
And by same grace through faith that justifies,
Christ’s working out His righteousness in those,
by covenant before the world, He knows,
e’er keeps, upholds, protects and sanctifies.
Because in Jesus Christ I am approved,
from trusting in His love I’ll not be moved.