maybe i'm better off without you,
because the days seem brighter
without your shadow in the way
standing over me,
acting like it's okay.

i should've known
love so deep
will pierce so sharp

well, honey,
if you fall,
you'll get hurt.
- mom said when i was seven, playing in the garden.

see?
you got hurt.
- i told myself whilst tears rolled down my cheek, like a flowing river.

i was falling in love,
and i forgot what mom once said
so when i remembered again,
my knees were already bleeding
and it was already all too late.

he broke my heart
so i set his on fire


to show everyone
he was really a liar

the flowers you have given me,
they slowly wilted
like the way you told me
you loved me
l o v e d
l o v e
l o v
l o
l

but still, they grew back as

li
lie
lies

i don't know why i keep thinking about us
when all the memories are erased
they have all turned to rust

i don't know why you keep coming back
some nights i wake up
and you are alive in my dream

i don't know why i still need you
still desire and love you
like the first day we've met

i don't know why you are still here
haunting during day and night
don't you have something better to do?

don't you have something better to do?
i ask myself
and slowly, as i smile to myself
tears slip through my eyes

and then i remember
us again.

*******
i shouldn’t care
but i do
and as tears run down my cheek
as my fingers shake when i’m about to call you,
the sound of my heart shattering echoes throughout my body

it’s as if the world is falling apart
maybe an earthquake
or a tornado
or a hurricane
or a tsunami
but i see nothing
i hear nothing
i feel nothing

maybe if it was different
if that morning i’d wake up a little later
or spent my day a little wiser
maybe i wouldn’t be draining my tears onto my pillowcase

so tell me you love me
deep deep inside
because i think i do, too
i think i ******* love you

because you're all i ever want

but i've lost myself,
you see

in your eyes
in the tides
of the ocean blue

maybe if we were meant to be
i could've found a ship or a plane or a raft to flee

i'm drowning in you,
and i'm drowning alone

i'm still slowly breathing
but i'm sinking down the sea

because when you told me
you had to leave for school
i knew that if it was me
i would skip it, just for you.

and then you were sleepy
so i let that happen, too
i knew that if it was me
i would stay awake, just for you.

after, you had to eat lunch
yeah, again, i let you go
i knew that if it was me
i would starve, just for you.

lastly
you told me
with simple words that showed no sorrow
that it was good bye
that you got tired of us
especially you got tired of me

i almost
didn't let you leave
because
i knew that if it was me
*i would never, ever go

i like the way he stutters when he gives his presentation
nitrogen is the 7th element he says, then warms up a smile
and shies away

i like the way he sits back down, giving a sigh and another grin to me
you did a great job i say, he shakes his head, and whispers,
barely

i like the way he looks at me when i'm drawing
he laughs and says it could be better
but i tell him this is the best

i like the way he opens the door for me
there's a crowd behind my back
but he leaves it
and it slams into their faces
oops he grins

i like the way he texts me good morning with a smiley and two hearts
exactly at 6:55am everyday
and so i text him back approximately five minutes after
with three hearts and a good morning

i like the way he drives his car
we're on a date
my treat this time he says to me
it's a date? i ask and he nods slowly, not hiding his smile

i like the way he asks me to be his girlfriend
it's kinda formal and it makes me laugh
but i say yes because i've been waiting
* so so * long

i like the way we spend our one year anniversary together...
it's quite not like the others
we eat cake and give chocolate to his neighbor
you're generous he smiles, and i shake my head

i don't quite like the way he doesn't text me at 6:55am
it's strange
it's abnormal
and i don't like it at all
he doesn't say anything to me.

not a single word

i don't like the way we don't eat lunch together anymore
something's changing
something's wrong

i don't like the way i tell him we're over
i don't want to do it
but i think it's the best

i don't like the way he shrugs and says
it's time anyways
he says it in the voice where someone will say
it's time to sleep, honey

i don't like the way avery, my dear friend
tells me you did a great job
barely i think, but outside i thank her

i don't like the way rina, my best best friend
tells me he's not the best for you
and i tell her honestly he is the best

i don't like the way this ended
but i do like the way it started
and let me tell you something
honestly-

i don't like the way
i still love him.

it’s hard,
loving someone who won’t love you back.
you pour your heart out
and you try to love them so much that
they’ll love you back.
but no matter what you try
he doesn’t love you.

an overdose of numbness for yourself
so it won’t hurt
or an extra mouthful of happiness
so it’ll come to you,
and you want him to take this pill called love me back
but you dropped the glass of water
on the way to you

you see, now
love is stupid
it kills you and tortures you
with rhythm paired to a drum
beating your heart,
burning your chest.

and if you ever ask me
what my favorite part of love was
i’d give you my last breath
caused by the overdose pills
killing myself with love
was not a good idea,

but my favorite part
was you.

she spoke to me
with a cold, hard voice
and i looked at her
like a sweet soft
touch on the bare skin,
and i loved her
just like that.

We both said I love you
But the difference was that
I did not lie

what's wrong? i ask my sister.
she is fifteen, today her eyes showed the darkest colors
of the normal
light blue sky.

love, she mutters slowly. it hurts.
i shake my head, and laugh.
i am eighteen. before, my eyes used to be the colors
of a storm in the sea.

how is that funny? she asks.
her voice cracking- tears escaping.

that is not love, i smile.
my eyes twinkling, like the stars of a wonderful night.

yes it is, she groans. it hurts. it must be love.
her eyes, now twinkling too.
but it wasn't twinkling like mine.
it was twinkling with unhappy tears.

when i was sixteen, i start.
i thought i knew what love was too.
i had the same thing you had in this
messy little mind.

but no. it was affection. it was not love.
affection, honey, i looked at her, is when you think you love someone.
you call them yours and they call you "mine".
affection is when you hope that they will love you only.
that you will not share them.
that you are happy, with them.

love, is when you let them call someone else, "mine"
only if it makes them happy.

love, is when you will share them with someone else
only if it makes them happy.

love, is when you try to stop loving them
only if it makes them happy.

then how do i know it's really love? she asks, finally, her tears slowing down.

i smile, my eyes twinkling again.
*when their happiness means
more than yours