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Sep 2023 · 82
refrain
Zane Sep 2023
this rose unfolds itself
to rotten wilted petals
what once was brightest red
have become sharp nettles
a flower of truest beauty
now with scent of death
how akin to it i am
the tragedy of macbeth

that bravest man's story
of a slip into temptation
****** all the way home
from love's infatuation
like the King himself i feel
agast at what i have done
i split myself wide open
solely for the one

and let these insides rot
to the tune of 1612
simply for the fact
of what your gaze delved
with spring around the corner
and these loathsome dead leaves gone
change i feel i have;
this new dawn

into exactly what
i know i cannot say
for does a caterpillar know
what happens when the cocoon decays?
the butterfly that springs forth
is made from its past pain
much like i aim to be
when free of her constrain
Jul 2023 · 108
des vu
Zane Jul 2023
how cruel a thing the passage of time;
affecting this heart with its gross paradigm
those who once laid anchors deep into my soul
seem to have departed swiftly, leaving a hole

friends, coworkers; even my last lover
all now passed, and henceforth i discover
the lonely languish that it is to be
so deeply tender to all that i see

once i read a book, it called this dés vu
and now i name this poem after it to
an awareness that all moments will turn to memory
yet another emotional accessory
Jun 2023 · 75
Untitled
Zane Jun 2023
i awake from dreams of deepest glee
a witness to you not here with me
the vivid dreamscapes of our years past
now in present, a painful contrast

my heart aches from your silhouette
a holy ghost reminder of this debt
****** upon me at age twenty-three
through my mother's tears so plain to see

work comes today so i must behave
and leave behind my depressive cave
for one day far away i will join you
and the rest of my familial crew
May 2023 · 172
secret art
Zane May 2023
sweetest maiden with the sweetest eyes
my oh my, how you're the apple of mine
twirling singing each way that you go
and this oh this, is how i truly know

that runaway you have with my heart
& become the inspiration for this secret art
i string these words together with gleeful cheer
yet i cannot ever let it appear

for two lustrums separate you and me
and nothing save a royal decree
would cut what's between you & that man
who so loving holds your own hand

what to do, what to do?
with all these feelings of the 'you'
nothing, nothing is what i say
but to be in awe of you, each and every day
May 2023 · 80
kindness / love
Zane May 2023
kindness
kindness so familiar
almost as if it is water itself
but if i were to compare your nature to a drink
i would choose lemonade;
served after a hard day laboring and sweating
the perfectly sweet relief
that is you

//

how i wish i could drink the love
dripping off of your lips
such sweet, pure nectar
so much to share with everyone yet
in my dizziest daydreams, meant for me
& me alone
Zane Apr 2022
this spring again; i transition
like a matter of fact or fiction
all that i was / all i can be
is laid out plainly for me to see

there's choices here
and choices there
decisions to make almost everywhere
which is right, and who is wrong?
all i know is this song:

i wish to be somewhere plain and fair
perhaps a woman with golden hair
a place that i can call my own
what's next? for her to pick up the phone
Apr 2022 · 136
Untitled
Zane Apr 2022
i feel the weight of it on these shoulders
making it hard for me to speak
it's always always boulders
raining down so i feel weak

all those places and happy spaces
misplaced guilt; a lover's touch
i recoiled my hand and you grew free
i absentee

months pass and still it weeps
nothing, nowhere, goals aside
i find myself holed up inside this keep
desperately clinging to such selfish pride

the cracks mount and the **** breaks
splilling forward; such great haste
swearing thusly it might empty
yet finding more; forever aplenty
Feb 2022 · 130
tepid
Zane Feb 2022
how do you go back to a home you burnt down?
how do you gather the strength to walk those dilapidated halls?
should it be the same?
should you take another chance?

i don't know if i can.

each time i convince myself to step forward
these echoes pull me back
the places we shared stretched smiles
the sun burning bright on your dark brown hair

me, in love with everything you were
my tongue tripping over words, tying itself in knots
desperately trying to form sentences to convey
how i felt about you:
my summer love, deepest of my life
how could i ever walk away?
how could i leave you for some self assured self benefit?

now how can i return, knowing what could have been
will never be
how can i return, knowing things will never be the same?
Zane Dec 2021
I used to think of you
In the moments where I was weak
A gentle reassurance
That the tremors in my hands
This pained absence of breath
Would subside quickly
Upon ocular intersection
Modern times of desperate longing
You leave me empty-handed
Stock photo frames of romance
Still-life imagery incarnate
Break this cycle
Free the beast
A least
It'd be more freeing
Than spending weeks on bruised knees
Fists slammed against a door
A vacant hospital bed
Wishing you were near
Nov 2021 · 366
left turn
Zane Nov 2021
in everlasting dreams i am returned
walking the timeless halls of feelings past
here; paintings decorate every inch
artists' feeble attempts at recreating immaculate imagery
a boy's youthful rhapsody of love

chronologically juxtaposed
glean now habits gone unnoticed
decades of emotional ignorance
toil, the highest classification of.

ahead, lie blank canvases
empty works of future choice
and me, stopped to consider
a crossroads in my heart
do i declare willful dominance
a leash-led endeavor of piety
or take the road less traveled
littered with all i have to fear
& ending with all i have left to acheieve

a left turn, i take.
Nov 2021 · 138
lament for lament's sake
Zane Nov 2021
an immesnse will of altruistic fire
your blaze unconsciously set deep
within once-blackened halls
these chambers of my heart
how? i plead
how now can you gently request
a failure of remembrance;
my isolation from these feelings

great swaths of regret
find consummation in my head
i lament, i lament, i lament
as the record of events
brokenly replays bright moments
evolved into bitter self-torments
until your lovely name is nothing
nothing but an all-too-familiar poison
a venom of my own concoction.

i drink; gleefully
unready to face the loneliness of existence
this reality henceforth set in motion
i am without you.
i am without you.
i am without.
i am
i
Nov 2021 · 292
lotus
Zane Nov 2021
choking;
another memory consumes me
you beaming your sunny smile;
our dinner at a floral restaurant
laughing over unexpected prices
silhouetted by the last evening light of summer

so many days of late
my heart finds itself slingshotted
back to powerfully happy moments
picture-perfect snapshots before the spark was extinguished
and mountainous emotions grew to divide us

as the reflections grow stronger
these bright events will become what is chosen to be recalled
instead of the grim reality of the situation placed before me:
that while i saw forever in your eyes
sometimes a dream is just a dream.
Nov 2021 · 161
Silent Language
Zane Nov 2021
frigid bedroom evening

lamentation of lost wants

a mind retracing steps

down multiverse avenues



she spoke in silent language

wordless choral decrees

replaced with analyses

discordant requiems for his dreams



deep impression of doom

a frantic marathon from this costume

ghostly presence consumed 

those darkest illusions exhumed



this bitter summertime pill

chased with echoes of failure

requirement: found abandoned 

or self, left to ****
Nov 2021 · 354
wishing well
Zane Nov 2021
the labyrinth unwinds itself
and i am afforded air to breathe
what once were raging storms
now give way to peaceful seas

as i gaze at this beauty
polite air of peaceful closure
i wonder to myself
about your own composure

resilience, compassion
these words that defined you
do you still exhale them?
do they still ring true?

for i have spent these months
excising my hurts
remaining thusly for me
is this i feverishly wish to see

now returned from my quest;
your firm stance at my side
we grow strong foundations
not lovesick abominations

a hand reaches out
i look you deep in the eyes
will you take it? i ask
or bade me goodbye

that i might be cursed
forever now bereft
forced to throw pennies
into a wishing well
Nov 2021 · 175
unsent
Zane Nov 2021
you were so golden to me
and i, wished i was to you
your support was the sword
with which i conquered fears

deserving.
you deserved a true friend.
i clamored to be him
but i wasn’t
and i can’t.

for this,
my guilt is monolithic
for this,
i have spent so many days
skewered with grief.
Oct 2021 · 205
exorcising.
Zane Oct 2021
vicariously
reliving memories
of this path
dyed a piercing scarlet
dates names adventures smiles LOVE
for a brief moment held fervently
everything since childhood indoctrination willed
now collapsing like broken glass
a seamstress' bitter failings
shattering mercilessly ahead
waterfall eyes
grief.
Oct 2021 · 214
whenever, wherever
Zane Oct 2021
i spend an evening elaborating to you
another of the lifelong atlas weights on my shoulders
saint that you are
focused, locked in, nodding,
with all your beautiful being.
understanding. empathizing. absorbing.
all of the hell of these shattering ordeals i have endured

every day you grace me with your ears
my heart grows to long for you more.
careful composure cannot be kept in situations of this nature.
so i weep
for never has this
caring, patient
...love
been shown to me
Sep 2021 · 261
lilium
Zane Sep 2021
In this wretched existence
Not a day has passed I don't dream of you
The gentle nature of unadulterated love
That defined our mutual existence.
These echoes reverberate so strongly
Throughout the day-to-day mundanities
I wonder if I unknowingly
Committed a séance.
I ache so much
For mere want of such a simple thing
As the beacon of light
That was your presence in my life.

lilium,

You were so beautiful
And I, so desperate to prove to you
That the heavens shined forth
And the Earth itself warmed
When you gazed upon me
With your smile.
Sep 2021 · 228
my flame, imperishable
Zane Sep 2021
deep within the wellspring of my chest
i chisel away
for nine long months i toiled daily
fashioning this beautiful scarlet ornament
a gift for the highest of all creatures
one i once lay convinced might just hold it forever
yet these days
the work is lonesome.
how does one unbuild foundations of concrete?
for my gaze was afixed upward for so long
i failed to see i was burying my feet
to build your monument
and now that you've left
where can i go?
Sep 2021 · 69
the real blues
Zane Sep 2021
two days?
how can such a time feel like an eternity
it's simple when joined at the hip
transfigures itself into permanent separation
lovely, beautiful, compassionate
all words you spoke not 48 hours ago
now all that's left are antonyms
disgusting, ugly, hateful
on my knees i beg
what changed?
what makes a heart grow so cold?
Sep 2021 · 226
3:00 am, again
Zane Sep 2021
i can feel the weight of the world pulling me down
all around with its blemishing frowns
how i once saw life so full of glee
now it's naught but fragile mystery

all these lives crossing endlessly
will see things that i'll never see
who can say how my end will be
i just pray that it's mercilessly
Sep 2021 · 726
was / never was
Zane Sep 2021
someone will drive you around the same roads i did
under streetlights at 4am
where our love was
where our love never was

to parks we sat in
wherein we spoke words of compromise
understanding and compassion
where our love was
where our love never was

in your apartment
i held your hands so gingerly
and spoke words of endless devotion
where our love was
where our love never was

//

in your arms
in my mind
in your heart
the place where our love was
the place where our love never was
Sep 2021 · 250
Untitled
Zane Sep 2021
I don't know when I'll be ready
Stopping this feeling of sad and blue
Whenever I write poems
They're always about you

It took one month in your company
For us to call it quits
Yet I still sit here
Full of reminisce

I spent nine months thinking you were the one
Or at least, a person I could be with
But now it seems that not even a smith
Could repair what has been damaged forthwith
Sep 2021 · 64
just another face
Zane Sep 2021
build up your walls
make me just another face.
i'm so tired of feeling stuck
without your warm embrace

praying, this week i've spent
yet despite my pleas
you stil won't relent
to speak of our love

where it couldn't be
where it shouldn't be
where it wouldn't be.
Sep 2021 · 247
5:18
Zane Sep 2021
i awake from another dream
my hurried cries pushing me forward
the time has finally come
to cease this wretched separation

a plan, an agreement, a meeting.
the two halves will spill forth
all of the words bottled and unsaid
lest the weight of errant hearts pull us down
from our self created pedestals of righteousness.
i'll extend my hand in friendship and eternal dedication,
will you reach out and take it?
Aug 2021 · 94
last chapter
Zane Aug 2021
times like these are always hard
when mismatched emotions could lead into permanent scars
you hold my heart in your hands
& the softness of your touch
carefulness in your endeavors
speaks of a truly kind soul
one that understands the labyrinthian inner workings

all the intricacies and soft dances of love
run through my mind as you aid me in closing my wounds
yet i feel that even if i suture the last cuts myself
a heartbeat for you will still be heard
for what soul could pretend to be deaf
to the careful considerations
that soulful choir
of your own heart.
Aug 2021 · 353
the morning after
Zane Aug 2021
i lay on my couch
taking in all the words we exchanged the evening previous
feeling them swirl around my insides until i come to a definitive feeling

god, oh god, do i want so feverishly
to take my right hand
softly place it upon your cheek, my thumb resting on bone
and replicate with the left,
thereby setting the stage for the next act.

our eyes locked as they shut
heads tilting oh so carefully to the right
and as our noses interlock
a moment of hesitation before -

wet. gentle. but firm.
passionate.
an explosion inside my heart
as all of what will occur past present and future
fades away for one brief moment
wherein we become singular.

but i shall not ask.
my will of patience and kindness
supresses the desire within
until the day comes when i can get my wish.
to see our lips locked tight
a dance of love in our hearts.
Aug 2021 · 90
Untitled
Zane Aug 2021
it's been two and a half years,
but the echoes of the shotgun blasts and bold faced lies still reverberate through my existence.
this morning i awoke from a dream,
in it, you had stolen from me the person i care about most in this world
and sent me on a rollercoaster of self destruction and hate
screaming at me that it was what i deserved.
is there an end to this panicked misery?
even though you're only a voice in my head
there are days it feels like you could spoil everything I've dedicated myself to fixing this past year with a mere phrase.
"what about my pain?"
Aug 2021 · 83
monday
Zane Aug 2021
another exhausting shift waiting tables
the pushes and pulls of the world
weighing heavy my body and soul
days like these, i am grateful
that i come home
to lay my weary head on your chest
the slow beat of your heart singing to my brain:
time to sail into dreamland
off to spar with dragons and demons

but i awake, my eyes on the ceiling
turning my head, i see i lay alone
yet a mere dream of us together
is enough to temporarily quell
the choruses of doubt in my head
Aug 2021 · 513
true love waits
Zane Aug 2021
the edges of your mouth curl upwards as you smile sharply
and the deep ocean of your eyes shines as they lock with mine.
through the windows of your soul i see deep, profound sadness
yet a yearning for more
surely these feelings are reciprocated, yet
building something upon the rotten foundations of past, would only mean this beautiful thing would be sullied.
so I'll wait for you.
true love waits.
Aug 2021 · 61
blue morning
Zane Aug 2021
every day in your presence feels like a river
the smooth movements of bodies in a beautiful dance
and though i fear my dischordant want for more may disrupt this flow
the harmony that exists will become whatever it is destined to be
regardless of my individual wants

but quick, before i forget the feelings of this year let me say,
thank you. for teaching me i can love again.
Aug 2021 · 1.1k
love is a crime
Zane Aug 2021
the four words you said to me,
12:30 AM, as we sat in my car
my throat dry from an hour proclaiming my love for you.

not the right time, not the right day.
Aug 2021 · 264
Untitled
Zane Aug 2021
i suffocate as i lay here glued to my bed.
my blood sick with the words you poured into my veins so gleefully as i sliced myself open
so the entire truth could spill forward.
but alas.
perhaps i am not meant to find a better half.
while no deeper desire exists in my heart than to love and be loved in return.
some things aren't meant to be.
Aug 2021 · 78
fault lines
Zane Aug 2021
every night i dream,
i witness the same scenario i've spent years wishing for.
leaving, departing, running,
a location far away,
where no one knows my name.

there, i can unlearn all that has hurt me for years,
my fears, the voices in my head that scream at me that i will be alone forever,
every doubt i ever had.

cleansed of all that once afflicted me, i return home, to choruses and cheers of my reappearance.
those i have willfully hurt, marvel at my newfound self; all accepting my tearful apologies for years of substandard treatment.

but in my heart, i know it to be impossible,
this wish i have cradled for so long.
i will be left forever a singular, devoid  of another's warmth to be called 'home'
Mar 2021 · 93
younger soul
Zane Mar 2021
what's on my mind?
well i'm glad that you asked
as always, more than i can explain easily
it all started when i thought of a friend
whom i haven't spoken to since i turned 19
i remember her saying she moved far away
and then we just lost contact as i see that many tend to do
i'm lamenting about how those you used to know
only exist in your mind like a snapshot
a picture of where and when they were
not who they are now
maybe you know some about what they're up to
and well, maybe you don't
all that's for sure is they aren't them anymore
they've molted the skin of what they were
despite all you want
you can't change who they are in the present
back to whom they were when you knew them the best
and there's a sad truth to that
tthat everything eventually will become memories
some happy, some miserable.
but if you can learn to separate the pain
from the ones burned into your skull
maybe you can then learn to move forward with you life
and your car won't always be stuck in reverse.
yeah you won't always be staring through your rearview mirror.
Zane Mar 2021
permeating my daydreams yet again,
are these old memories so strong;
places and people of yesteryear
like a wall of static photographs

as I force my eyes awake and onto the road ahead
fearful apraxia screams to do otherwise:
life is best lived within the jailed bars
of what once was

yet one could hardly call that life.
for as I constantly seek to remind myself
the word for not changing is death.
Mar 2021 · 103
more than a feeling
Zane Mar 2021
7:30 am sharp, our alarm goes off.
i roll over, and look at you, nearly awakened from your sleep,
so very peacefully ignorant to the deadlines and requirements of the world.
and i smile.
your eyes open slowly, locking with mine, as your lips spread wide across your teeth
a small giggle erupting from your mouth.

mornings like these
ones i resigned to impossibility,
now so very commonplace
i can't fathom what life was like prior.
tumultuous,
selfish,
ignorant,
you could call it any bad word and it would fit.

i am whole here
anything i could dream is possible
with my courage as my lance
and your support, a shield
i will grasp that sense of completeness which i have longed for
since childhood.
Mar 2021 · 174
a refusal to bandage
Zane Mar 2021
i foresee death, washed up on the shores
of this island of self-pity i have shipwrecked myself upon
the absence of a willingness to change
mixed with my deprecating thoughts
is all i have consigned myself to drinking
knowing that i am unable to handle self destruction as a normal human would.
whereas one might lose themselves to alcohol
or another intoxicant
I chose to reach further and further into the despair that previously has spurred me towards growth
yet now leaves nothing but fumes to continually choke me.
i wonder.
will i spring out of this cocoon of hate?
or make another attempt to end it for real?
go somewhere greener.
be ******* neater.
Feb 2021 · 232
marathon runner
Zane Feb 2021
often i am plagued with sudden perspective shifts into realisations of my poor behaviour
in this change I drearily daydream of a sudden departure from all those who surround me
off on a personal journey of self betterment
a transformation into a far more admirable human
far and away from the impulsivity and naïvete of my current existence
for i have always felt subtle change shocks none.

how precisely this metamorphosis occurs I haven't yet learnt
yet the final goalpost is clear
I return to collective awe from my friends
the weight of my poor eating habits gone
the doubt that choked me replaced with confidence and self assurance
and a burning heart ready to set the world on fire with its unapologetic love.

but as I rub my eyes and awaken from this vision
comes the bleak fact of where I am.
the starting point I always have knelt at, ready to bolt out of the gates
sans the knowledge of how to arrive at the end
perhaps this time I'll shed my gung-** nature first
and i will choose to carefully walk to my destination.
Jan 2021 · 138
night terrors, for real
Zane Jan 2021
my worst fear has been realised.
the ascending night terrors i begged to be rid of
exploded like a thousand fireworks before my eyes
out of dreamland, into reality.

i swore up and down to myself
that the voices foretelling your inevitable betrayal
were nothing but the howling wind
of my deeply set insecurites.
yet today, it was confirmed.
engraved onto my very eyes,
you with another.
i

am used to this.
the burning and stabbing pain of being forsaken
being used as a fuel to feed another's growth
and when you had finished gulping your massive fill
your doubts were satiated.
like a child, bored of his new toy.
i was but a springboard
for you to launch into someone better.
the inbetweener of lovers
who is doomed to be forgotten
just as he always is.
Jan 2021 · 312
self-affirmation
Zane Jan 2021
as i walked past our old apartment
on another cold Saturday
every time I walked this path home from work
came flooding back at once
and i so desperately wished
i could run past the train tracks
through our complex
and up the stairs
back to the first experience i had living on my own
so that maybe
i could go back in time four years
and not repeat the disgusting mistakes
of my young adulthood

this time, I caught myself before the painful longing consumed me.
i have the same chances now that I did then.

new home.
new best friend.
new job.

i could easily fall back in patterns and make the same poor choices.
or, now bear with me here.
i could do everything right.

I just have to work for it.
Dec 2020 · 405
night terror
Zane Dec 2020
writhing and screaming
i dreamt in smashed hearts and scarlet eyes
in it, i glimpsed
all the love and support i had bled myself to accomplish
was thrown out in favour of a greener man.
indeed
instead of growing firm from my current status as a support beam
into the proper foundations
you chose to forsake me
for one so much more accomplished than I.

often horrid foresights of this nature plague me
a small tick i cannot rid myself of
each time I dedicate my heart to one, and one alone

the genesis of this disgusting anticipation
might easily be traced to the progenitor
that first yearning i felt so many years ago
it was early in my youth
i fancied myself smitten with a newfound human
after childishly condemning myself to romantic solitude
  at the onset of puberty

she taught me the intensity of infatuation
the lovely languish of being head over heels
and not a fortnight later
sent me into the deepest depths of despair
for what she had sworn to the stars
she quickly replaced with a decree to the devils
"I found one better"

in my guilt and misery
i blamed myself
and forced a conclusion of the following:
these tools i fashioned to show love
do not fit any existing mold.
i, must love too much
must care more than can be beared
must support, beyond what is norm.

yet
as I awake, i breathe in my surroundings
and remind myself that this fear
though cacophonous at my lowest
is nothing more than old hurt
desperately clinging for relevance
in an existence where i know the gifts I bring
are appreciated by those who surround me
and that eventually
they will be welcomed by you.
when you are ready to accept
that which i know you deserve.
Had a night terror that a person I care for a great deal left me once they had achieved a place a positive mental health. I do not support them with hopes of reciprocation, merely that they will recognize I do so because I love them, and that maybe, they deserve love too.
Nov 2020 · 258
this could be real
Zane Nov 2020
the first time i placed my lips onto yours
i chanced a gleam into what could be
immediately, i found myself blinded
and in my cold sweat
felt unworthy

it was then.
you taught me a lesson not easily forgotten
love is quite unlike the way others say it is
it starts as a masoner's quest
the foundations of trust, respect, and compassion
must be strong.
only then, can you begin the process
of forming into what it could be.

so dear,
take my hand
help me build the cornerstones
and transform us beyond this tired dynamic
of part time lovers.
our one kiss
showed me all we could be.
for the partner.
Nov 2020 · 557
good for me
Zane Nov 2020
when you leave
you do so gleaming and gracefully
the words on your lips conveying a sweet, careful goodbye

it was today.
i breathed a sign in the air
as it filled my lungs, the vision overcame me
marked with deserved happiness
a light, perhaps from the heavens
that this union is yet another pillar
in the ever growing foundations
of what will surely become
the place i am destined to be

if not in your arms,
than in the generous love of a friend
whom daily, reminds me of what i could be,
what i should be,
where my dreams could propel me
should i follow the ***** you so gently remind me i have.

my heart.
another written for the partner.
Oct 2020 · 505
Love Letter III
Zane Oct 2020
each day i am in your presence
is an act of divine grace
a gentle reminder of the purity of your being.
the sweet air of your soft love instigates in me
a forgetfulness of all afflictions.

my dear,
your compassion is without limits,
the faults of all are ignored
as your kind hands of friendship
form the shape of acceptance.

you are the whitest of doves
the shelter from this cold, hard world
such beauty could only be complimented
and never outdone
third in a series of short love letters to people i care about deeply. some of these are platonic, others are romantic in nature.
Oct 2020 · 690
Love Letter II
Zane Oct 2020
when at my lowest
I think of a place
the beautiful plane of existence
that is being in your arms.

It's in a deafening pleasure,
where I escape
to the warm fields of love and embrace

the fear I choke on
from inevitable wars
the existential anxieties
of daily routines
everything I can manage
And everything that I can't
all disappear, as I study your face

if we could stay like this forever,
that would be all I need.
love letter to my partner.
Zane Oct 2020
as i watch you from close, yet far
i drift off into romantic daydream.
every day you step into this office
i am graced by your prescence
and neatly alert to your newest hairstyle,
pressed and tied into a form that yet again
exceeds the beauty of the previous day.

long have I wished to approach you cooly,
and much as an example of the sly man I am,
propose a meeting at the conclusion of our shifts
wherein we might exchange grins at one another
complete with deep resounding laughs.
afterwards
retiring to the warmth of my apartment
yet this time
not for beaming looks and lighthearted conversation.
instead, a raucous intense evening
in which my dinner is had between your legs
with a dessert of deep, passionate thrusts
eyes fixated onto one another.
we retire with andrea bocelli
and I bid you farewell.

as serene a dream as this is
it is nothing more.
for who am I,
but a strange boy
that glances at you from across the building
with a glimmer in his eyes
wrote this about a coworker, as you can tell. I've casually admired her for quite a while, without much courage to ask her for a date.
Oct 2020 · 430
creep
Zane Oct 2020
it swirls in my stomach, every time I breathe the poisonous fumes that are your words of apology.
for nothing save the commands of a god I don't believe in could conscript me into believing anything but the terrible existence you laid before my feet,
that I would be forced to face the harsh reality of my demons, alone.
I myself, would need to muster the courage to say no more,
to scream 'be gone' at the horrors in my mind that afflict me.

In this despair,
these rock bottoms pits
is where I have found strength I previously lay convinced I was bare of.
It, and only it,
will be the sword and the shield that will save me from this wretched state.
Not the false words on your lips.
Oct 2020 · 96
october 16th
Zane Oct 2020
The pain feels like a stone in my chest,
a choking poisonous air,
nearly balanced with my apathy of its existence.
For setting a facade of brightness is a flavour I am all too used to.
Why proceed with a grandiose display of emotion, when such feelings are better left under lock and key?
No monsoon would arrive as soon as I cut myself open,
so wise and honest.
All that would be invited is a bitter knowledge that I,
I am without you.
Absent of my guardian angel,
he whose words have echoed throughout my brain for decades.
Mourning your loss is the most horrid, repulsive fruit I have ever been forced to swallow.
I pray this passes, for it is far more than I can manage.

Happy birthday, Dad.
Oct 2020 · 53
nineteen days
Zane Oct 2020
overwhelmed, again
somehow, the other side of the country, seems farther than a two hour drive southeast, because
everywhere is always you, who have been my better half for longer than i've cared for any particular person

you leave me with a solemn remembrance of what was, and will no longer be
yes, those words i always say in comfort of others' grief,
that the word for not changing is death
entropy, being inevitable
somehow, don't quite reassure me of your approaching departure

i cling so feverishly to memories of past adventure
like tapestries hung on the walls of my heart,
full of smiles and good-heartedness

yet, they remind me of a spring that is long gone
in the past are the days, i would spend with liquid intoxicant
forever lost, is the I that would hurt and demean others
so far away, the me that was me

a swirling tornado of emotion engulfs me,
i wonder, if i will have the courage to stand
solace is found in my age old thought;
look forwards, never nought.
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