overwhelmed, again
somehow, the other side of the country, seems farther than a two hour drive southeast, because
everywhere is always you, who have been my better half for longer than i've cared for any particular person

you leave me with a solemn remembrance of what was, and will no longer be
yes, those words i always say in comfort of others' grief,
that the word for not changing is death
entropy, being inevitable
somehow, don't quite reassure me of your approaching departure

i cling so feverishly to memories of past adventure
like tapestries hung on the walls of my heart,
full of smiles and good-heartedness

yet, they remind me of a spring that is long gone
in the past are the days, i would spend with liquid intoxicant
forever lost, is the I that would hurt and demean others
so far away, the me that was me

a swirling tornado of emotion engulfs me,
i wonder, if i will have the courage to stand
solace is found in my age old thought;
look forwards, never nought.

every lie you said is swirling in my head
every time you walked out
screamed you'd never come back

I always waited for you like some depressed old dog
Tied to a supermarket bike rack whimpering for the one he cares about most to return

I tried to suture every wound you came to me with, pulling out my own muscle fibers to use when words weren't strong enough to convince you not to walk the tightrope of your addictions to escapism, because why, why would you walk away when I tore myself in two and went insane just to make you smile, to make you not think the world is full of horrible evil?

All I ever saw in you was the sun.
All you ever saw in me was not enough.

Every month that passes
Every year that goes by
I swear I feel less alive

All the bright colours of life
I once laid eyes upon
Are dispersing, with my hopes of living to see the next dawn

So I ask myself each day
Why oh why am i still here?
I think the answer now is clear

Nothing, nothing but fear

today i stepped outside into the overwhelming sunlight
the first breath since i accepted our end.
content i have been,
proud of my progression towards the state of being 'okay'
and out of nowhere
it flashed into my head,
the one memory of us i haven't shaken.
you,
me,
alone in our bedroom
bill haley blasting out of my record player
our hands entwined, twirling about the room,
eyes locked on each other
and your smile,
the holiest of smiles.
cracked wide to reveal your teeth,
uncontrolled laughter exploding outward
a snapshot in time
of innocence,
love,
what has been,
what will never be
but what was so
beautiful.

if hating me wills you to blossom
i will bear it
if cursing my very existence brings you unbridled happiness
i will take it
it being no such act of selflessness.

my heart hurts
hearing you speak of our love,
never being;
warm tears grace my cheek

i dont help
i only have a want for myself.
i dont care
you cry in front of me and i feel nothing.

what is selflessness?
i wish i knew.

it hurts so much.
everything in my room reminds me of you.
i can't sleep in our bed,
your silhouette lays claim to half of it
i can't step in our shower,
impressions of wet makeout sessions adore the walls
i can't eat on our table,
because the time you swore you loved me, the morning you sat across from me plays like a broken cassette
i can't lay on the couch,
i see your eyes burning into me, laughing at my horse impression
i can't.
i just, can't.
i can't do anything, when all i do, all i own, is a memory of you.
who am i to be, now that we are just fragments?

every night
i feel like i'm suffocating
but every morning
i wake up
alive

With your gaze piercing through the darkness
I awake stunned and silent
As we lock eyes it all rushes towards me
All of your pain and misery washing over me as a cacophony into the realization that I am the cause
The tyrannical wailings, night after night
Your daily insomniac presentation

My heart has not been your shield
It became the tool with which to pierce your remaining humanity
Collapsing to my feet I scream,
"How could I not have known?"
The days you unneededly suffered
Barbarically tortured by my fervourous, so called act of healing

No words I speak, nor attempt at apology
Be enough to make okay
That which has been said
That which has been done.

I keep having a dream
Driving an old, beat up car down the highway
Fog is pervasive and thick
Ahead, the road ends
Only emptiness

I long to cry at the supposed ending
Distraught, i produce nothing

Eerily, it feels familiar.
As if the near future is indeed unreachable
As if I will it to not exist

How do i learn the foresight to see beyond?
How do I force it?
I know that i must cause my eyes to adjust
That there is no end

i woke up in a cold sweat
i've had that nightmare, again
i come to visit, to continue what previous was love, and yet
with a hand full of flowers, and a heart on the mend

i see through the window from afar
a man i see, who is not me

professed you had, that we were still one
gave what saved i had for myself,
to prepare you for the long journey

betrayal, i feel
sadness
anger
a swirling thunderstorm of hurt.

future sight as failed,
i have allow it to be corrupted.
sang with a heart instead of a brain.

i won't get fooled again.

Knot in my stomach
Sweat on my palms
Throat closing up

It's been so long since I've heard your name, I've forgotten what this feels like.

Room growing blurrier
Legs becoming weaker
Chest compressing faster

I scan the room for a way out. If i move at all, she will notice it, her eyes will be on me. You'll see me.

You'll see me.
You'll see me.
You'll
See
Me.

twisting.
falling.
screaming.

I know I've been here before
The way the walls taste
The way the floor sounds

It's become such a normal thing
The act of it is like breathing.

Like breathing
Like drowning.
Like breathing.
Like dying.

Like

Anxiety.

are you sure you're being honest
are you sure when you say you love me
are you sure that i am what you want
are you sure i'm who i appear to be

because
i can be so dishonest
i can be so hard to love
i can be so hard to be around
i can be so easily deceiving

i can be
me

...

mad mad mad is what you make me
knowing i'll never call you my own
i've been unwinding my heart with glee
yet you still won't pick up the phone

watch watch watch as i empty my chest
burning burning feels like i'll die
now pretend your giving me your best
next scene: hung up with a necktie

sing sing sing your beautiful song
lull me back into your arms
quick, what's that? what's taking so long?
bye bye bye, goodbye to your charm

it's killing me
can't you see

Moon light falls onto my face
As i drift off into deep sleep
But before I nod off completely
I find myself wishing for you warm embrace

You see, dear
As arrogantly as the words will sound
You're meant to be with me
Not him.

Who else can conquer the raging doubts you hold?
Who but I, I alone, understand the deep labyrinth of your mind?
What even, say of your sentimentality?
Your craving for nostalgia?

You and I are emotional beings;
Only destined to find equally passionate
And feeling people

Come with me
I haven't yet lost my forgiveness.

A broken clock is right twice a day, but there is no time
at which a broken windshield is useful. In my peripheral
vision, the cracks could be lightning, but Minneapolis
is not as interested in drama as I am. Somewhere, not here,

it is raining. It would be great if it would rain on me
because then there would be a reason I felt like garbage
right now. There's always of course, a reason, but it would be
nice to say It's raining in my head rather than

I have a chemical inbalance in my brain or I just remembered
that someone I love will die before I do. All of downtown
is underneath the sky. If you spend

long enough in one place you will eventually be hit
by lightning. Because it's not real lightning
we're discussing here, stay longer and you will
be hit twice. Never move, ever. You might go somewhere

there us no lightning. It might not rain there at all.

You held me in your loving arms as i wept
So sure i had found my way home after my long journey in through frozen land.

Now i'm turning to ash because i stubbornly refused to see that the warmth i thought i needed had left me on fire.
Then you threw me in a coffin,
Nailed it shut with your grin and covered it with the dirt of your promises.

Do you remember way back when?

I still remember the hotel room where I sat.
Fleeing the hand that gripped you.
I gave you words,
they were inadequate. Couldn't admit that I
abandoned you.
My fear grew, ever stronger. My delusion cast about me, a blanket to my conscious mind.

Remember further back when we were all smiles, blind to reality?
I sat with eyes closed for awhile. As if days don't turn to months to years.
Except, I forgot it ends like this.
Blue veins, cracked upon a pale surface.

That's me.

Seeing me.

And you.

For what you are.

For the first time.

I look at your eyes and they
remind me of my despair over
my relationships.

Many days of late, I find myself
truly pondering whether or not I
am cut out to be a human being.

It seems my flaws are too many.
To quote Jesse Lacey, "my bright
is too slight to hold back all my
dark."

I wish, I could write poems about
how I'm getting better, but that
isn't the case. My emotional
life feels like a downward spiral.

I feel like I'm building toward
something. i don't feel I have
any happiness in anything I do.

My default is numb. It's so rare
that I experience happiness anymore.
Something is wrong with me.
Something is wrong with me.
Something is wrong with me.
I don't want to live like this.

I thought about you today.

I guess it's been so long since you've crossed my mind that I can barely remember the short time we lived.

I've questioned everything.
I don't know anything well enough to justify a moment of certainty.
The best that I can hope for is sameness.

I've lived thinking I was a decent person who made mistakes like everyone else.
A bold faced lie, yes.
I take responsibility for teaching it to myself
For burning it into my brain,

I thought about you today.

The reality is, something in my head makes me function this way.
Something deep inside me.

I could give the simple answer, that I've always felt insecure no matter who I see, and that being because the first girl I ever loved, loved deep enough to die for, live for, cheated on me. Made me feel worthless.

That person is you.

It crossed my mind how you filled my empty chest, told me I was good enough for everyone, that my funeral would sell out.

But I'm stronger now. I'm growing up. Something I never thought I was capable of.
I'm growing up.
Soon I'll think about you for the last time.
I won't need to celebrate.

I thought about you today, and finally realised that you're cancer, you are plague, all you are is regret.

I'll walk away, because a healthy person doesnt need that,

I thought about you today, for the last time.

Three long years ago it was, the union of two broken halves. Each had scars, bruises and missing teeth, the toll all former lovers and bullies had taken from us.

You held my hand, promised you'd never let go, and in the short time I spent in your arms, I lost myself. Spiraling, down the water spout of your deeply loving, piercing gaze.

It never ceases to amaze me how words that i once struggled to comprehend now  fall out of my mouth like a waterfall, forming the mosaic of emotion that is how I feel when you speak my name.

If I gave you the key to my heart would you always keep it safe?
If i gave you what's left of me, would it begin to mend the broken glass that was your reasons to smile?
Would it forever wipe all tears from your deep blue eyes?

you boarded my ship when it was sinking so fast
i was so very certain you'd drown with it.
time passes
and i find my vessel mended more and more each day

i've been taught most of my life
to fear stability;
for it seemed as if instability, however dangerous
was more desirable that fleeting stability

but now that i find the earthquakes have begun
to decrease in intensity
ever so slowly

i am still left to ask
is this forever?
have i found that which i've been longing for ages to find?

it terrifies me so, but fills me with what i can only surmise is that which i dreamt about as a child

security. home. a chance at peace.

i wake from sleep, to remember dreams of our adventures
i wake from sleep, to be for, if only once, hopeful about the future
i wake from sleep, to know that i find solace in another
i wake from sleep, to that i am loved, as much as i love

i wake from sleep, to know that one day, when the storms have subsided, you will be there, holding my hand, as I walk up the final hill of my lifelong struggle.