Mother birds throw up there food to feed their young, who am i trying to feed when I empty myself?

Dearest friend, parent, lover
Whoever might be reading this
I'm sorry i couldn't stay strong.
I'm sorry i couldn't stand it anymore
It's not anyones fault, i just wasn't meant to be here.
Just like those flowers that never bloom. They just grow and starts hanging a bit, then dies.

Dear younger siblings.
Don't look up to me, look up to people like daddy or momma, they're happy, i weren't. One life lesson i've learnt is that happiness doesn't come without courage, but with too much courage you'll get tired and let go when you finally get there, and you'll end back where you started.

Dear older "sister"
You know who you are and you're probably reading this right now, smiling at how i mention you as my sister. You're the best person to ever be in my life, and even though you told me a couple of years ago that you were lesbian i never rethought the meaning of your hugs, cause i know we're sisters.
If it wasn't for you i would have done this a lot earlier so thank you.

Dear parents.
Don't cry, i'm not worth your beautiful tears..  I have nothing more to say than i know you lost me, but don't lose courage.

Dear best friend.
Thank you for always being there.
Thank you for telling me that everything will be alright.. It just hurts me to say that you were wrong.. And i'm sorry cause i know this will bring you pain.. But i know you have some other. Nice friends who'd support you.

Dear stranger.
I'm sorry if i was goind to know you in my no longer exisisting future.. You're better off without me anyways..

Dear myself.
I'm sorry i can't hold on anymore, i know that you had your happy times, and that a lot of people longed for your life, but i couldn't stand it anymore..

Dear person
I'm sorry the voices became too much.
I'm sorry i ran out of place to make scars.. I'm sorry i couldn't stand this inner pain anymore.. Dear person.. I'm sorry.. Goodbye..

'If you are fat then what am I?'
No you are mistaken
I do not see others as measurements
that is something I hold to myself
I need to loose weight
for the achievement
for control
for me to feel mentally stable
I need not hear about how
'it's not attractive to be that thin'
because I don't give a ****

I am conflicted,
I am uncertain,
to long,
or despise
the infamous day,
when 'things will get better'

The words I spoke
    Painted soft hues in semicircles
   That formed veins in vain
  All the life the colors formed caused was pain
    And disdain for this thing called breath
     I would gladly welcome death
   In the form of the devil kissing necks
           Sharpening a dagger in geometric patterns
    Slicing through my brain matter with a splayed tongue
           Implanting THC in my frontal lobe with infinite precision showing me visions of misread Scriptures read by passive preachers and pastors not knowing the meanings of verses read backwards that sound like incantations for Satan


     Drop.
Drip into my glass
Cerulean liquid so vivid it defies description
Even with these prescription lenses I can't tell the difference between what's okay to write but not say so today
I think
I'll take an AK to Pre K to educate the young with Guns
JFK would smile
Knowing I'm the last gunslinger and expander of minds destined to be assassinated for saying it before my time