You know
It's rare
When I feel like
I like myself
Because every time
I get excited
I get shot down
Crash and burn
And once again
Sadness ignited

You know
It's sad
To think so highly of myself
Only to be told
No
You're not good enough
You're too nice
Too mean
To distant
To clingy
So quiet
But oh so annoying
It's rough

You know
It's not easy
Having these conflicts
Deep inside
They never subside
Knowing what I want to say
But also knowing
I have no right to speak
But in my mind
I just can't hide
From you

You know
Your presence alone
Can lift me up
Out of this prison
In which I lock myself
Of course this is something
I can't tell you at present
So I suffer silently
So sure I was
Of this serendipity
I was wrong
Now an epitome
Of stupidity
I close my lips

You know
I don't know
What the future holds
I've spent so much time
On my own
My heart is screaming
For someone to hold
But alas
It seems I'll always be alone...

Who am I?
What have I become?
No solace in solitude
Solidifying my sadness
In singular significance
Silently stewing somberly
In sorrow
What can be done?
Your brilliance is overwhelming
Tearing and gnashing
At the corners of my mind
Your radiance and energy
Over charges my eyes
So much so
That I feel blind
And I can't unwind
Heart strings
Concentrically coiled
Around your fingers
Every step
Every word
Every noticed common interest
Highlighting compatibility
From now into infinity
Intrinsically
You pull those strings
Bringing me closer
Yet so far away
SLAM!
Rip and shred
My heart yanked from my chest
Knocking me breathless
A gut punch
Too high to jump
Too low to duck
My brain creates
Images of competition
And I'm losing.......
Who am I?
What have I become?
What is this?
And what can be done?

I walk
I walk to get around
I walk and listen to natural sounds
I walk in sunshine
And mostly in twilight
Sometimes the things I see
Seem subliminally superb
And slightly more special
At night
I listen
I listen to the problems
And issues of others
Because I know I've most likely been there
Before
I listen
To ludicrous outcries
And lacivious and lustful Lamentations
Looking listfully luxurious
Our eyes meet
And it passes
I speak
Rarely,
And usually only within my mind
Because I know
Nobody is really interested
In what I have to say
Silently I suffer
Because some have it worse
Most have it better
But that point is moot
Shoot
I've rambled
Rampant revelling
Revealing raucous and ****
Riotous rituals
Relinquishing my radiance
I fade
Into an abyss
Created from my loneliness
I am alone
And some times I feel
It will always be so
I've made mistakes
My mind mauling
My insides
Meticulously melting
My very memory
Merely a moment
In time
I fear
I fear that one day
A chalk line will
Slowly and surely
Produce a vague image if me
An outline
An ode to my sadness
Of course I know it won't
But one can't have this much pain
And not fear these things
It's obscene
The things I say to me
Taught by torment
Tutoring myself in torture
I'm mean
To myself
And no one else
I hear the things I say to me
And shudder to think
The damage my words could cause Another
Music
Sets me free
And alleviates this anger
In allegory allowing the air
To absolve my anguish
Almost
And then.....
I change my train of thought
Too touchy is this subject matter
Or not
But mostly.......

I walk.

Look in to my eyes
What do you see?
Can you see the pain I've seen?
Can you see the places I've been?
Can you see the people I've known?
Can you see how much I've grown?
Can you see that I'm alone?
Always
Can you see?
Green and gold dancing around the inky black
My pupils
In brightness contracted
From the light refracted
Giving substance to what stands before me
Can you see?
Despair and joy
Balancing in a brutal ballet
Brawny and brittle
Becoming barely blissful
A benevolent boquet
Of clover
Is this over?
No
My eyes have seen beauty
Perceived pain
Punished by pleasure
And pleasured in anguish
Can you see?
The person standing here
With eyes swimming
In a sea of green

A pin drops
Sending waves of nothing
Into my cold heart
I grow colder
As I fall apart
The deepening darkness
Drenching me in despair
Drunk and dribbling
Drooling devilishly
Upon the door of doom
Soon, you say
Again
And again
And I wait patiently
Thinking absently
And then....

Cautiously waiting
A cacophony of cries
And a craving carrying
This cornucopia of craziness
I'm callow
Or so they say
Is this my life?
Is this my way?
Kind words
And actions
Melt mere sections
Of this muscle
But so far
It's not enough
And then......

Breathe in my soul
My very essence
Take in my life
My effervescence
I am champagne
Bubbles on the surface
But bitter inside

And then.....

I ask why.....

And then....

I beg to die....

And then....

I say goodbye...

Some times I wonder
Some times I think
Some times I ponder
Am I on the brink?
It seems so simple
But is it really?
A heart is delicate
And mines the epitome
It's barely holding together
In a messed up jury rigged state
Made presentable
With safety pins
And a lot of tape
When ever I start to feel
The way she makes me
I think is this real?
'cause it feels like a dream

I want to know
What makes her tick
I want to know
What makes her sick
Somebody better check me
Quick

I'm catching feels
And I can't catch my breath
My heart thumps
And I reel

Feeling feathery
Frightfully fearing
While furiously fighting
Figuratively of course....
This finesse at finding
Fiery finality

Kind of makes me hesitate
So commiserate
Emancipate
And resuscitate
Let's conversate
And enjoy the ride

Thump thump
What is that?
Thump thump
There it is again
Thump thump
It's coming from inside
Thump thump
I'm starting to feel alive
Thump thump
Ice is falling from my skin
Thump thump
Is this a sign?
Thump thump
Shall I begin?
Thump.....

I see this face
It's beautiful
Desirable
Inconceivable
Intangible
Fantastical
It's radical
How this image
Takes a hold of me
A *****
Veritably vanquishing
This viciously vile
Vortex
And yes
I feel alive
At my door
I hear as opportunity knocks
Taking the form
Or figure
Of a fox
Slyly slithering
In to my thoughts
Eating away
My cage
And I awake

Was it just a dream?

I don't thinks so......