and if you would have asked,
I would have gone anywhere with you
and if you would have let me,
I would have loved every inch of you

It's 3 am and I'm going
100 on the highway
and I can't take my eyes off
the rear view mirror
and no amount of speed
can take me away fast enough
from all the lies you left behind

i am -
i am homesick for a person who
left when i forced him to leave,
pushing him out the door,
arms shaking,
tears cracking in the back of my throat,
and i hope i don't ruin you
when i know you will ruin me

and now - now it is
too late at night and
i hope the moon is not my only friend
because he has forgotten me
for a girl with ginger hair and a scar above her lip
who is just like me,
except that she's thin and vegan and doesn't like harry potter

and i -
i am convincing myself not to send text messages
i should have sent
before my eyes turned ancient with the ache
of heartbreak and he
refused to look at them.

messages i should have sent

2:14 am, day one
i miss you

3:23 am, day two
i still miss you
3: 24 am, day two
**** why did i make you go

6: 25 pm, one week later
do you remember when i thought
you hated me and when you thought
i hated you? that was
all lies.
is it still a lie?

6:26 pm, one month later
can we
still be friends? it's so hard to see you
in the hallway without
bursting
into
tears
and
flames.

12:01 am, three months later
halloween doesn't
taste the same and
sugar is more sour and sweet and the
moonlight dancing across the haunted street
is not beautiful to me anymore
because you are not apart of this.

4:34 am, seven months later
it is
the day of love and we spoke
for the first time in person since the
school dance a few months ago and my
heart
hurts so badly

3:57 am, eight months later
i am trying to love new people, better
people, and he tells me i am the world
to him but i
don't want him to love me because
he's
not
you

2:31 am, nine months later
i put you first, i always ******* put you
first, and i never made you feel a ****
thing.
2:33 am, nine months later
i still ******* miss you.
******* it.

now
i am trying to convince myself
i don't love you anymore
but it's growing so difficult because
                                                 because
maybe i still do
and i don't want to, i don't want this, i don't want him.
i don't.

he ignores me without reason
and does not try to be
my friend
and does not
look me in the eye

and he is the tear in my heart.

so, hello again,    
                        poetry.
will you be my lover now?

I'm not the type to be there the next morning. we'll refuse to get attached yet become helplessly addicted. I'll keep you second guessing, but mostly because I'm still unsure myself. I'll make mistakes, even the smallest of ones, but I will still make a lot of them. I'll never accept certain events of my past or understand why I burry that life deep down like some sort of secret, but I just don't like looking back. I'm not the type to tell just someone about that life, but oh my god I can still remember the look on your face. I still look for you everywhere. ask about family and I can never quite find the words. ask about friends and travel back before the silence began to feel like comfort. things can never be just simple, with white lies and thin lines always able to make a picture blurry. I want everything, I want nothing. I want the unattainable, inevitably disappointing myself. I love hard, but leave often. I'm the author of a paradox that constantly leaves me in both awe and despair.

sweet love? what is that? it sounds like **** to me. i don’t want superficial i want raw. i want you open and honest and i want your bleeding knuckles from where you’ve punched the wall too many times in frustration over me and be loud. be ******* loud okay don’t shower me in rose petals and whisper in my ear that you love me, scream it out to the world when we are high and on a rooftop at 4:28 on some april morning. and don’t buy me flowers, don’t ******* buy me flowers or earrings or silver chains, instead buy me the wire and tools i need to see inside your brain and pull you apart are you will me until there is nothing left of us and we are broken, so so broken that it’s all we can do just to love and fight and love and fight and if it doesn't work out then **** the universe because god knows we tried

Not a single thing is born to be alone
Just so we are clear
And if you're by your lonesome now
You will find someone dear