If you take a moment
to turn off all of the sounds of the world
you can still hear her footsteps.
she walks like poetry.
she has a different meaning to everyone.
and whether its good or bad
she will make you feel something.

did you hear them? did you hear what they said?
they said that you were gods gift to the world. that your words could break glass and shatter any feelings of numbness. they told me that you had tones like sedatives. addictive and the whole nine yards. you. you know just how to make someone stick around long enough to wonder what the world has In store.
because
your words
they are
beautiful
so brimming with hope for a better mind
that you have the power to turn the darkest of skies into a glimmering array of celestial bodies
and quite frankly I like to take the time out of my day just to admire such divinity
so thank you for being Devine

okay so think of yourself as a separate being. detached from the earth and its functions.

every speck of dust has its own meaning

i think about the world in ways that are too hard for even me to understand. every small speck of dust came from somewhere. The earth was created by the  pure desire of the celestial beings in outer space. They thought of us, so we were. And i may not believe in god but i do believe the world was meant to be here. I believe everything has an equal or opposite reaction and i believe we have a purpose. Not a purpose or a duty to the world or the universe but a duty to yourself. i think everyones one true duty is to find absolute happiness before the end of their days or die trying.

the atmosphere is filled with invisible beings and even every one of those has a meaning.
i came across this video the other night and this beautiful human was speaking about how we as humans are too scared of vulnerability. I think she is so right. we are living our lives day by day by day and we keep everything in for ourselves because we fear rejection and we feel like a burden to everyone we speak to and that is not how it should be. i thin we should go back to days where human emotion meant something to everyone. when it was valued. right now we are all so ******* in what everyone thinks of our tears that we forget to let them out. and tears a corrosive they will destroy you from the inside out if you don’t let them go in time and i just think its so vital to be in touch with yourself to remember to not destroy you r mind. we need to take care of ourselves. and i can see that, even as a person who doesn't take care of herself i know that there is value in us as people.

we live in a world of people who can do so much to change the world and make it a better place but we are so hell bent on keeping everything for ourselves that we are doing more damage.  
somehow i want to be someone to unite people for the better and eliminate all of the harmful forces in the world. it seems unrealistic but i am not looking for realistic i am looking for optimistic

I welcome death as one would welcome the morning sun.
Sadness fills my heart where joy once took its place.
Life is for dying and dying alone.
Living is a punishment in its entirety .

proficiency is key
it is knowing that while we
merely live one lonely life
it should at least be lived with glee
so to say that you must leave
is to say that you must breathe
without the heavy burden
that society begs and pleads
for you to stay in place for it
and conform to its deadly needs
you must take the longer road
if you are willing to succeed

do you know what it feels like to have all of the love leave your body?
it a slow numbing sensation in your chest. all of your memories of anything good or worth living for start to fade.
its a defense mechanism.
it releases its self from you grip when there is a risk of losing it forever
it finds shelter
preserves it's self for your better days
if there are any left.

It is so easy to think badly of yourself if you don't know why someone stopped loving you.

We tend to forget that there were once trees when we lay our heads to sleep.

I've been asleep for so long but I woke up in the middle of the night to the sound of the rain dissolving the soil  
every time I start to fall asleep again I feel slightly suffocated by my thoughts
and then I think of you
I think of you here
but the thing is that it scares me
all of the what ifs and the uncertainty of it all
you probably don't even want to see me

what would you think of me if i told you that i label the passing of years by what boy was breaking my heart at the time?

I guess I'm just going to have to be okay with being your sometimes.

So tell me dear, is it okay with you if I worry about you?
Do I have your consent to cry over you at 4 am in fear of losing you?
Do you mind if I let my anxiety boil in my veins just because I'm a little paranoid that you don't love me?
Do I have your permission to skeptisize our relationship?
Am I right?

Every time my heart gets broken it feels like the first time.

I don't say "hopefully" anymore because that implies that I have hope.

Do you know the meaning of "stop and frisk"?
I'm sorry black brother, you do.
Have you ever had to change your voice in order to get a job?
I'm sorry black sister, you have.
Have you ever had to remove your hijab because you needed to take a flight?
I'm sorry brown girl, you have.
Has anyone ever insisted you have extensive knowledge on every school subject?
I'm sorry yellow friend, someone has.
Have you ever been told to go back to your country, despite the fact that you're already there?
I'm sorry red man, you have.
Have you ever been called and illegal immigrant, but you were born in the u.s?
I'm sorry Latino friend, you have.
Have you ever been told that racism doesn't exist and, by someone with pale skin?
I know I have.

So this is to the ones who have been told that they "aren't black enough" because they use proper grammar and their pants don't sag.
The brown boys with beards that get called "towel heads"
To the Asian kids that are just as smart as the next guy.
To the native Americans that still get called Indians.
To the brown girls that get told that they don't have to wear their scarves because "we're in America"

Here I am, writing about depression as if no one knows what it feels like to love the rush of living after almost drowning, but also fear it

Another "depression is" poem
Another "I'm getting bad again"
Another "I've cried myself to sleep seven times, this week"

But I have to admit, I will always miss my sleeping pill apologies and my blank stares into the mirror when my depression is gone

And suddenly I remembered that you hugged me while I was wearing this sweater and I instantly wanted to rip it off if my body and throw it into dante's inferno in hopes that the memory of you would burn with it. I'm not sure why the thought of you is so painful but it might have to do with the fact that loving you was such a waste of time

Well maybe it's just anxiety that makes me so terrified of death.. Like whenever I think about how someone was once living and is no longer alive and how they take a bit of everyone to their grave with them. And how it's so sudden and so quiet at times and others are planed and loud or loud and sudden or quiet and planed and how sometimes those are the most painful because you were prepared for and explosion but all you get is a lit candle.  Maybe I'm just scared of the uncertainty that comes with death like is there a god? Will I meet her? Is she as kind as everyone says? Or is she just as human as all of us? But maybe there's nothing, maybe it all goes black maybe you stay here and watch your own body decompose?maybe you don't? Maybe you live on with the stars and you become the sun of someone else's solar system, warming more hearts than you ever did when you were human... And what if you die twice like some people say. When your bodies dies and when the memory of you dies.  Or three times. When the person you love ceases to love you.Which is worse?

At first it felt like it was too soon, but then I realized love doesn't really know time. It has no eyes to view a clock, nor does it have ears to hear its perpetual tempo. It only has feelings. Feelings of longing, feelings of trust, and feelings of hope. Feelings that time can not affect. And of course love knows no distance, but distance is very fond of love. You see love is a tricky thing. Love knows it's difficulties. Love knows that if it wants to it can make you lose sleep, it can make you forget your pain, it can even make you forget your own name if it wanted to, but most of all it can make you fall in love and forget the burden of distance.
To love someone from a distance might be the most difficult thing I've ever done but I think it's also the most important thing I've ever done. I've never been this proud of my decisions.

My mother died 3 years ago.
I honestly don't feel like she's dead.
I feel like this is some sick joke being played on me, and I'm just waiting for the cameras to show. Like how can someone so important just be gone? It doesn't seem possible. But either way she is gone and I miss her and I want her back but there is absolutely nothing I can do and that is what kills me the most.

I may be dead inside but i walk like i could **** a man and i'll love you until it hurts.

It’s that moment when you realize he didn’t really love you and he DIDN’T actually want to be with you when you say to yourself he only "loved ” you out of pity, because in reality he was in love with someone else and now everything that crosses your path somehow reminds you of him and your wrists are stained permanently because you thought it would be the only way to get rid of him without hurting anyone important but instead those memory filled scars only remind you of him because he is the reason behind them after all, but you blame yourself, because these days everything is simply your fault and you sit here and question yourself "where did I go wrong , what should I have changed to make my life more bearable” and you cry because you miss it but you don’t know what part of it you miss you cry because you think you ****** up and you cry because when you cry there’s a million and one things to cry about and you hear"oh wow you guys would be an amazing couple" and you try not to cry because you’re scared he will be disgusted by the thought of you, and you try not to cry mostly because there are people around ….you try not to cry because you don’t want anyone to know you’re broken…but you’ve failed already…you’re not even thinking silently anymore you’re screaming it for the whole world to hear. …

It was the summer of 2014.
We were dating.
And every day we were together I would wake up and look at myself in the mirror and wonder why you wanted me
And the day you broke up
With me i woke up at looked at myself again
And I saw nothing
There was only a shadow of what I thought I was
I looked and looked and looked and I still couldn't find who I was before you ruined me
I'm praying that one day I will wake up and find myself
The person I used to be before the wreckage

for someone who wants to die i am pretty terrified that death is surrounding me

just one cut but it wont count
two shots to keep my lunch down
a couple pills and i hope i drown

This is not to say that i don't still look at peoples wrists or that i finally know why i'm here
its not to say that i like that you have scars on your wrists but that i find comfort in knowing that you won't judge me because you understand what it feels like to be attacked by your thoughts and have them wreak havoc on parts of you that only come out when the moon does and how sometimes you lie to your friends because you know they care but you tell yourself they don't
because it makes you feel better without feeling too good
in the sense that you know sadness is an addictive trait and you know better than to let it consume you but you let it anyway because it makes you feel more human
and this is to say i know that you wont judge me when i say even after all the warmth i still prefer the rain over the sunlight.

tumbling
        tumbling
               tumbling

so far for so long, it feels like death will be soon to come.
       but my mind set has made me forget that
                 falling doesn't mean you're falling down the wrong path.

there is so much tar in my life
I’ve been trying to fill myself with crystals
but all I’m getting is volcanic rock
slowly melting my every good intention
i remember when i told you  
that id die if i every treated anyone
the way you treated me
maybe thats why I’m dead inside
i treated myself the way you treated me
i lied to myself
i pretended to love what I’ve become
i pretended to not want someone else
and where has that gotten me?
nowhere
nowhere at all

When I told you I love you it was not an ok to destroy me.
Love is not a synonym for "please **** me " it is uncoded it is pure and unhidden.
When I told you I love you I didn't mean I wanted to burn.
Because being with you only brought me hell.
When I told you I love you I simply meant that you are everything I think about when im daydreaming
You were  the reason I woke up in the morning
You were the reason my life had meaning.
But not anymore
You are the reason I can't get out of bed
You are what I think of in nightmares
You are the reason my life seems so  meaningless.

I am literally so concerned for your well being that i cannot sleep at night.
I lay awake for the 10 hours i would usually sleep.
My body trembles at the thought of you being unhappy with life.
I want nothing more than to spend my life with you,
except to see you happy, i want that more than anything.
I would give you all the oxygen that has flowed through my lungs in the 16 years of my life, just to see you smile and oh dear god i know i want to see you smile.
Your smile makes me feel like there actually is a god and i am an atheist.
The way my hands fit yours makes me want to believe that the stars shine just for us.
I cant even begin to think of a world where you don't exist
because it would be a world where my happiness doesn't exist

The leaves turn from green to red as your face turns from pale to amber in two seconds
my hands go to greet yours as if to say " its ok the danger is gone"
the earthquakes in your palms seem to be the cause of the continental drift
but even though the land under our feet have rapidly parted i still find it hard to not fight  your battles for you
remind you that your loss of a friend to suicide does not represent a decrease in your value

I was sitting in my now hollowed out room
emptied for the transition to our new house.
There were memories.
Countless jokes, tears, fascinations, and obsessions.
To leave them all behind would be a crime,
so i sat there trying to remember  every second, letter,
music note that ever existed in that room.
Surprisingly i came up with only one word.
You
You were the only thing i could remember about myself.
As if you created  my entire being.
Maybe you did.
Maybe all there is to me is you.
*Maybe thats why i feel so empty now that you're gone.

Poem: you are the sunlight that seeps into the ballroom that I call life. Because with out you life would be dark and hazardous, and I wouldn't be able to see the beauty of the room its self. So stay a while, because I need you like sunlight needs something to shine on.

Wow, I'm alone. Maybe not physically but I am alone.  The most alone that anyone can possibly be I'm surrounded by breathing bodies but Im not sure if they're even real.  Now that I think about it, I'm not even sure if I'm real. Maybe none of this is real. Maybe it's a nightmare.

The morning was an" I love you" and the night was an "Im with someone else now." .

It looks like I should start  standing  for something about now because I really do fall for everything.

Who do you tell that you need them
When supposedly someone else needs them more ?

Who do you run to when you want to run away but you  know you need to stay ?

Where do you go when you've been everywhere but no one wants you anymore ?

How can  I feel anything but abandonment when everyone lies about their love for me?

My brain might be drowning in alcohol and thoughts but I sure as hell can say even though you left you haven't left my mind. And I drank this whole bottle of ***** to try and wash you out but all it did was magnify how much I miss you. Ive tried just about everything but you're still in my head and I'm not in your arms.

I'm just surprised chest hasn't collapsed from all of the times I've had a racing heart
I'm surprised my eyes haven't floated out with all of these tears
I'm surprised my fingers haven't fallen off from my constantly shaking hands
I'm surprised I'm not in a mental hospital due to the fact that there are constant signs that I'm broken but no one seems to notice.

I never knew that the instinct that is supposed to save my life would destroy me

You told me you'd never leave  but situations change, obligations change, priorities change. People change. I am unchanging and that's why I'm suffering. The place that I'm standing has had many visitors. I am a land mark and you were one inspired tourist but you're a tourist for a reason. Many people are interested for a moment but they find better sites to see as if I'll be on display forever. And maybe that says something about the way I live my life, but that says something about everyone. We are different. Changing and unchanging.  Long lasting but never permanent.

A:Just speak and you shall be heard.
  
B:My dear it is not a simple trial. To be heard you must have faith and I,  my dear am the most faithless of them all. To be heard you have to be brave and I,  my dear  am not as brave as I was when I was just a new soul.

A:Well my love how do you expect to be heard if you don't have a voice?

B:Honestly my dear I lost that when I was screaming out my love for life maybe that's why I hate it so much.

Nostalgia whispers softly into my ear
What a *******.
Thinking it can just control me with my own false memories ?

Dear, nostalgia
    Did you want me to beg?
Did you want me to plead?
   For those memories
That aren't even real.

I remember him loving me.
I remember being touched.
I remember looking into his eyes .
I remember feeling like I was enough.

These are false memories
They aren't really.
Please nostalgia give me a break.
These are things I do not wish to feel.

I'm not a poet, I am simply a lost cause.
I am not a poet, I am the death that comes with life.
I am not a poet, I am lost motivation.
I am not a poet, I am the sadness that brings depression.
I am not a poet, I am me and that's terrible enough.

I'm back with because I have a little more motivation since I'm feeling extra suicidal so cool , right? ... Pain is art... Art is pain..

My life may be dull
But it sure is dull.


There's nothing else to it.
I'm bored and I want to die.

As i lay these flowers
On my death bed
I go over the lines
I have not yet read
Heaven or hell
Is where I shall go
And these last few days
Many do not know
I've been planning death
my death has been planned
My light will soon  fade
As blood drip down my hand
I'm sorry to say
That I must leave
Do not beg
And  please do not plead
For my return
Because we all know
Today is the day
That I must go.

I have got a question.
How do you tell someone you love them.
And not mean a single word of it?

How is that even possible.
If I did that.
I'd have burning hate for myself.
Because right then.
You just injected poison into someone's heart.



But the real question is.
Why.

Is it too hard for you to face me?
And tell me  that you in fact do not have passion in your heart devoted to me?
Because it would have spared me the scars and ****** wrists?

What can you expect?
Poetry comes from the heart.
And the heart is vulnerable.

We live in a world of lost souls and unfulfilled dreams.
Poetry just helps us stay here physically
Because we cant always be here mentally, emotionally,or spiritually.
Poetry is the reason i'm still alive.

It seems to me i have no place to be. Walking these wood why don't I just leave?Why should I turn back if that's not my home?
Desire and abandonment is what I call my throne.
Flowers, birds, butterflies, and more if I go back I'll only want more.
To be free is what I truly need.
And if home isn't my place then where can I be?
I'll live In the woods and build my own home.
Cherish the forest where for now on I shall roam.

If I
Spoke my mind
I'd probably
Just end up
Talking
To myself
Because
No one
Wants to hear
My thoughts.
They are vicious.
They are cruel.