I'm thinking of numbers
As I type with my fingers
Bruised and scarred
From writing so much
For nearly 7 hours of the day
I count my steps as I pace
My empty room
Tired and alone
My battery is draining slowly
From my division and subtracting
Which adds up to loneliness
Dread, anxiety and depression
It equals to suicide
Every 40 seconds of my life
As every 40 seconds
Someone is sent up high
To heaven or hell
Where they count good deeds
And sins like boys kissing boys
And girls loving girls
And teenagers are mothers
Without wanting to be
Where rounding up the number
Of terrorists and all evil
Leads to maybe trillions
Or billions but who knows?
There could be more
Corrupted and bad

from my car in motion i saw
some shivering silhouette
with a soft glow like
the last drop of sunlight
breaking on the horizon
or a black cloud with a silver lining
head in hands, weeping into their palms
on the opposite end of a short tunnel
for a fraction of a second
and i was green with envy
over all of their emotion.
sick to my stomach of the apathetic
reluctancy to feel anything worthy of tears
if i could throw it all up,
and let it cover my skin
like a sick filled spit fountain
or acid rain
then at least i’d feel disgusted.

dear: [redacted]
had a dream about you / body in the water. you held onto the
poolside with two shaking hands and when you saw the look
in my eyes you considered holding me under
/ drowning the spite right out of them. it would’ve worked but
this was my dream, about you and i killed you first / killed you ‘til
my knuckles turned white / to the sound of the hush hush water / to the last
gurgling breath.

When I was 10 my mum Told me that
I was special
The Next day was the First time
she told me to shut up
When I was 14 my Friends told me that
I was funny
The Next day I Heard them laugh about me
And when I was 16
You told me I was beautiful
You told me you loved me
You told me you would do anything for me
But I did not believe you
Because I learnt that people don't mean
What they say
And I did not want to get disappointed again