you are quiet,
you choose when to speak,
and you only do when its important.

and its beautiful,
so beautiful,
that my word ***** makes me feel so small looking at you.

maybe you think its beautiful,
that i get so nervous,
just hearing your voice.

seeing the look in your eyes when you smile.

and its platonic,
its platonic because i only see your soul,
i see how beautiful it is ,
and oh my.

oh my,
how i want to see beauty with you,
i want to talk to you.

i have fallen in love with you,
platonically.

and thats a made up word,
but its what it is.

and oh god,
im sure you have flaws,
but ive never seen so much beauty in someone.

ive never seen a soul,
i saw your soul in your eyes.

I loved you because you were broken
my soul could look at yours and see home

every minute we spend together was like drowing in the ocean
I would sink deeper and deeper and eventually I would choke
but the darkness of the water never botherd me, I liked it
maybe because you were always there with me

in the morning I would look up and see the sunlight
coming through my window, the lights would touch my face
and every single morning when I would open my eyes
the first thing I always think of is you and how much I love you

I wish I could have you near me, like everyday
but we both know that never was a great idea
after a while we would remember how much we are a like
and I would hate you for being that way, you would hate me
maybe that is why you are my soulmate, why I love you

Im looking for parts of myself in the people I love
it gives me comfort knowing there are kids out there who are like me
a little bit mad, a little bit broken, but with golden hearts and voices

I always loved the idea of us being in love forever.

I heard someone say
Science is a noose,
Society a stool,
And philosophy
The dubious
Kick.

Well I'd say:

Society sets the rope,
Stool,
And gives the kick.

Science saves my life
Before I hit
The end of my rope.

And philosophy helps
Me cope
With the reality
That everything
I'm told to believe
By society
Was meant
to set me free,
while secretly
They said,
"Ah, Schucks!
Let's hang'em instead!"

One of my favorite quotes is;

"For a star to be born, there is one thing that must happen: a gaseous nebula must collapse. 

So collapse. 
Crumble.
 This is not your destruction. 

This is your birth." - n.i.

I used to think that my mental illnesses were all there was to me. I was just made of panic attacks, and anxiety, and terrible flashbacks.

They trampled my mind, consuming me until I couldn't breathe. The anxiety was the person who was going to break into my house while I'm sleeping if I'm not facing the window. The panic attacks are the cars that will crash into my mom while she's out if "I love you" isn't the last thing I say to her before she leaves. The flashbacks are the tears that stream down my face at night when my thoughts cannot be controlled.

Most of the time I can't get a handle on my moods, but I still manage on with the day. Sometimes I'm too afraid to step out of my house, but I still do because I have school. At times I think that I have until the end of the day, and that's when it's all over. I will take every last pill that's supposed to help me. But I don't. I walk past the cabinet. I take four pills in the morning and five at night.

I'm terrified that everyone will leave me- almost everyone has. But that is something that is still with me. I'm not over that yet, I'm not sure I ever will be, but I'm fighting. I try to push those thoughts out if my head.

Right now, I'm still that nebula who's in the middle of collapsing. But one day, I know I'll be that star. I will be reborn into the girl I'm supposed to be. The girl I will be. Because one day, I will light up the sky.

Yes, somedays the sun will shine brighter than I do, but I will continue to be a sparkle in the sky.

~~♥~~

I used to think men
should be more like books
Both you cannot
judge by looks...

If I didn't want to finish reading
I put it down... no heart was bleeding

A book will never fuss or fight
It will stay with you
through the night...

It doesn't smoke. It doesn't drink.
It won't leave toothpaste
in the sink!

It doesn't binge... it don't eat...
It won't leave up the toilet seat!

It don't forget. It doesn't mope.
It won't hog the TV remote!

It doesn't have to have
The last say...
It doesn't have legs

to walk away.

But it's not soft. It isn't warm.
It doesn't keep you
safe from harm.

Even though it makes no fuss
It can't think. It can't discuss.

Even though it has its charms
it can't hold you in its arms.

It doesn't pine. It doesn't miss.
It can't hug and it can't kiss.

So now I think on it again...
... I think BOOKS should be
             more like MEN!!!


SoulSurvivor
2/20/2015

I’m going through withdrawals. How awful it is to have to keep yourself from speaking to someone because you know if they wanted to speak to you, they would. I’m so deeply rooted in the sand that no waves that crash on land could overturn me. Your footprints are leading away from me, you are moving further and further down the shoreline, your outline growing smaller, smaller, smaller, blending in with the horizon where the sun is setting in lovely shades of red. I do not fear that you will not be loved, because even now I see how the birds adoringly sing your name. I fear the drops of saltwater that fall down my face each solemn night will one day be able to collect into ocean of their own. I fear the birds will be able to love you better than I have. I fear that this titanic amount of heaviness weighing on my heart will be ever-present. Your name is written in the clouds, and I cannot escape it, for no matter how far I run, I can never escape the sky. When I look up, there it is and so are you.

I am not alone because I
Can't make friends

I am alone because alone is safe

No one can tear the
Tender flesh of my heart
If no one is near enough
To find it