in my dreams i see you sometimes
i am next to you and your eyes
are not sad
they just smile the way i saw them smiling
only a few times

when i look in the mirror
i hear your voice saying there was beauty in my
smile and in my big blue eyes
i was a little girl then
and many years have gone
and you have gone with them
but
i still remember your hugs
though it feels like decades since i was last in your arms
and your voice still echoes in my brain
i remember the last time we spoke you told me
to not cry,
to be strong
and i am trying to be.
i am.

i pretend that i am.

i see you in my dreams sometimes
and i am again a 6 years old little girl
running to you
when you open the front door
and waking up realising
i will see your face no more
it's the most painful story
and i cry sometimes
but you are not here
to open any door
and i am not 6 years old any more
and there's no beauty
in  my big blue crying eyes.

you left and took away your voice,
your dancing,
your bright face
your warm arms
and your kind eyes,
i am left only with a picture
i keep inside a box
behind the front door of my heart
and i want to go back,
to be your little girl again
and i know i'll never get to tell you
that I don't want to pretend any more
and I want you to tell me
that it's okay if i am not always strong
that it's okay to cry.

in many lines i have tried to write you
but i always do it the wrong way
and it seems impossible to describe
how much i miss you
and i need you
and
how much
i love you.

Have you ever
Mixed memories
With what you wished
They could be,
Creating a fictional
Reality
Blended together
Like bitters and whiskey
Vermouth and a cherry,
The Manhattan of your dreams.

Dance with me and pay the price,
it's no big deal, the music's nice,
a twirl, a tap, why won't you glide?
I promise not to hurt your pride.

My heels click and stomp about,
your feet intact, without a doubt,
but something cracks, between us both,
a shattered, silent, bond-broken oath.

My smiles full of blind deceit,
your trust denied in fast defeat,
I've grown tired of this masquerade,
now you wish you hadn't stayed?

I can't believe you thought you'd be my match,
that we'd make it out without a scratch,
but jokes on you, and me too,
this was our final dance, so enjoy the view.

I hate waiting,
but I'm the one who's always late.

I hate talking to people,
yet I often have the most to say.

I hate being ignored,
but want others to go away.

I hate feeling neglected,
though I forget those around me by letting my thoughts lead me astray...

I hate clingy people,
yet I find myself obsessing over you everyday.

I hate it when others try to get close to me, however, I continue to dream of having the chance to be close to you;
wishing that you'd stay...

these thoughts you're having
they aren't actually real
i'm lying on the couch in my therapist's office
she didn't notice i nodded off
how does that make you feel?
you have to be ******* kidding me
she isn't kidding
i sit up on the couch
i didn't think people actually asked that
asked you "how you feel" about everything
she stares in silence
what do you want me to say?
she pursed her lips in preparation to speak
i cut her off
you know how i ******* feel?
i feel ******
i'm pretty messed up over all of this
i hate it
i hate that even the way
she ******* looks at me
brings me to my knees
i take a breath
i'm sorry
i'm sorry i'm so angry all the time
you shouldn't apologize for how you feel
but i can't stop apologizing
somedays i wake up &
i feel my heart beating slower
my heart is so heavy with guilt
over something i know i couldn't control
& all i can think about is
how ******* sorry i am
i hang my head down
i can't even look at my feet anymore
because i hate where they are
i hate that they're not next to hers
i pause
do you know what it's like
missing someone so much
that you can't catch your breath
when you think of them?
she doesn't answer
i guess it doesn't matter because
that isn't even close
to how much i miss her
what do you miss about her?