I used to
count
the days between when he
yelled at me
and when he didn't.
when he asked for ***
when he asked me to
leave my home
at 2 am
to **** me.
though I said no.

when he used to tell me
that what God I believed
was stupid
and wrong
and it was
why
I was so ignorant.
close minded
small
and insignificant

that if my health
wasn't as bad
as his sister's friend,
it didn't matter.
because someone else was suffering
so I don't need help.
not my physical body
that was spontaneously trying to die
mattered at all.

but he would need it if he wanted *** again anyways.

"I don't know" was not no.
"I don't want to" wasn't no.
that if it was said two weeks ago
didn't count now
then it still wasn't a
no.

I wasn't to be trusted.
so track my location,
track what I said to any ears
that weren't yours
"is she lying?"
"is she cheating?"
"is she gone?"

he would yell and yell and yell at me until I was bawling on my tile floor
wondering when I could ever be happy again
with a thousand diseases and the pressure
of giving that diseased body to you.

because you would need it if you wanted *** again anyways.

because even though you were absolute trash
but I believed you were God
I ended up asking myself,
"if he can't love me,
who will?"
if even garbage
doesn't want me,
what
will want me?

who will want me?

I'm less than garbage.
now,
I'm less
than
you.

once you love someone, you feel like it can only be them.
and I'm in love without you.
but effort is always rewarded in every endeavor but love.

so *******.

I knew I couldn't see the world breathe it into him anymore
with me gone now,
but maybe it could watch me breathe mine out of me,
and give it to him instead.

and you sit there
on your bed
at 1:40
in the morning
when you start wondering
how
much you're worth.
and it's sad.

because you never thought
that you needed to know
who
you're worth to
but you do.

and you cry because
you don't know.
you want to

but you don't know
how much
you mean
to yourself.
all you do know
is that it's close
to zero
and you don't want that.

but it's there.

and it's important
to take a moment
to realize that
it's true
that's how you feel

you can't deny it.
because you would be lying.
and that never did
anyone
any good.

it's there.

engraved
as a cut on your heart
and as dried blood
on your soul.

and it's sad
but it's there.

I'm suffocating on my heart that's stuck in my throat
because the tears streaming down my cracked face
started to drown the stars that bloomed in my head.
those stars that lit up my most midnight of skies.
the infinite universe that you split open in my mind
was what showed me the true galaxy past my dulled nebulas.
because you told me "the universe was made
just to be seen by my eyes".
the universe you made with my bloodied hands.

and when you told me this,
for a split second
I could see colors again
and the nights didn't seem so lonely
in that galaxy
and my heart didn't choke anymore
on my stained stars.

I could never make anything brighter
or more real
than the love you showed me I could have again.

"See, I don't always have that luxury. . .
I don't get to play with his fingers while our hands are clasped together,
or mess up his hair because it looks soft.
I can't feel the shape of my body mold perfectly with his in a hug,
or feel his slightly chapped lips kiss my cheek when I do something silly,
or even steal his glasses, hoping he'll chase me around to get them back.
I can't hear his heartbeat when I lay on him,
or smell him whenever we fall asleep on each other.
I don't get to see him look me in the eyes when we talk face-to-face,
or compare our heights side-by-side in the mirror,
or have him try on my clothes to find that they're way too small and girly.
I can't look at him from a side profile while we watch TV,
or watch him make us a snack at midnight.

Instead, I have to look at my camera, and not those ever changing blue, green, and grey eyes.
Instead, I think about him while I walk my school halls and wonder what his weather is like.
Instead, I have to touch and hold my own hands where his would be.
Instead, I have to cry into the hoodie I stole that only has a drop of his scent left on it.
Instead, I spend my time online finding the cheapest plane ticket to go see him.
Instead, I stay up until 2:17 in the morning because I find myself missing his lips.
Instead, I dream of the day we can be together without 650+ miles between us.

I knew this pain would be here,
I knew it would haunt me.
And I knew it would hurt like my soul was being torn into a thousand pieces,
and my heart was bleeding onto my skin from the inside out.
And I knew that when things go wrong back at home, we won't always be there to hold the other.
But if this is what it takes to be with the person who makes me want to wake up to see the sun shine again,
if this is what it takes to be with the man that makes me want to live when I wanted to be thrown in a box with the oxygen off,
if this is what it takes to be with the one who showed me that love wasn't dead,
and pulled me out when I was trapped in my thoughts,
to feel what true love is?
oh I'll do it all. . . for him and me.

You know?"

your mind wanders the empty halls at night
I try to find you, racing the darkness to fight.
you push me away with your raging silence
I can feel your silent violence.

or is it only me?

I look for your soul in the darkest black
but you've buried your stain inside the plaque.
I reach for your broken, beating heart
but you went back, back to the start

or is it just my imagination?

I can't seem to find where your thoughts run
you don't seem to care, you want to bargain.
bargain your lies for your presence
when all I feel is your absence.

or is it just me?

I want to hold your heart
and cradle your soul
but how can I be on your art
if you never let me give you console?

or am I wrong?

I want you to understand
that I'm here to stay, stay as planned.
why can't you believe me?
I won't leave you, didn't we agree?

or was that my promise to me?

why do you push me away?
I just want you to stay...
my heart cries in the morning dew,
but where,
where are you?



please come here and understand I love you and I won't live without you.