I used to
count
the days between when he
yelled at me
and when he didn't.
when he asked for ***
when he asked me to
leave my home
at 2 am
to **** me.
though I said no.

when he used to tell me
that what God I believed
was stupid
and wrong
and it was
why
I was so ignorant.
close minded
small
and insignificant

that if my health
wasn't as bad
as his sister's friend,
it didn't matter.
because someone else was suffering
so I don't need help.
not my physical body
that was spontaneously trying to die
mattered at all.

but he would need it if he wanted *** again anyways.

"I don't know" was not no.
"I don't want to" wasn't no.
that if it was said two weeks ago
didn't count now
then it still wasn't a
no.

I wasn't to be trusted.
so track my location,
track what I said to any ears
that weren't yours
"is she lying?"
"is she cheating?"
"is she gone?"

he would yell and yell and yell at me until I was bawling on my tile floor
wondering when I could ever be happy again
with a thousand diseases and the pressure
of giving that diseased body to you.

because you would need it if you wanted *** again anyways.

because even though you were absolute trash
but I believed you were God
I ended up asking myself,
"if he can't love me,
who will?"
if even garbage
doesn't want me,
what
will want me?

who will want me?

I'm less than garbage.
now,
I'm less
than
you.