what's it like to have a gun to your head?
the feeling of the cold barrel pushed up against your hair,
knowing that inside that barrel is a future that rides the line you didn't always think you'd walk.
the wideness of that barrel, you can feel it's exact measurements on your skull.
the gaping hole in the center of the tube, that weightless piece against you,
but only physically weightless.
the heaviness of the weapon becomes
as heavy as your heart.
is it the part of the power in the trigger against your hand?
or is it the knowledge of the chemistry inside that gun,
that's pushing against your hand,
like your palm and finger with that gun have a newfound power?
is it a horrifying power?
is it peaceful?
is it aggressive?
is it as quick as your instincts?
the flip of the coin,
as quick as your mind changes?
is it as exhilarating as you wanted?
or as deadly as you thought?
is the weight of the bullets as much as the potential you have,
that you so easily dispose of?
so easily reject?
which is it, Isa?
it's not worth it.
a long time ago,
my friend killed himself
because all of his friends were too far away.
I saw suicide as weak
I'm a hypocrite,
and I also understand his reasoning.
because my friends are too far away too.
distance does not always strengthen the heart, does it,
my lost and gone friend?
venting is good for the soul
i can't say i'm going to be sad for you to get another girl
since i'm the one who pushed you away.
i can't be frustrated when i'm rooting for you
but i also want you to want me
when we both know you can't have me.
i just want to be wanted,
and you want me the most
I honestly hate myself and you
so ******* much
the moon loves us so much,
it circles us day and night.
it comes in new phases
all the time,
and we still think it's beautiful
we still stare at it in wonder
and love it nonetheless.
no matter what it is.
why can't we accept ourselves at all phases as well?
why can't we embrace our cycles?
I love you
"I appreciate you."
"And what about me do you appreciate?"
she looked down,
"A lot of people don't have enough guts to look the unknown in the eye,
and validate it.
You face it. You face the unknown."
thinking that reality must come someday,
so why would I ever avoid it?
"I appreciate your honesty with reality" she said.
she didn't realize she was she same as me, did she?
I don't think I realized her situation more than I had in that moment.
how long will it take for me to die?
how long will the pain last
in my mind
in my bones.
oh i feel it everywhere,
it reverberates in my body,
my tiny, weak and frail little body.
how long will it persist
in scarring me
front and back.
my mind, a strong fortress.
so full of imagination and thoughts
beyond your wildest dreams,
maybe in them too.
intoxicated with love and adoration
for people and their souls.
their beautiful and intricate thoughts.
but my body
eating itself alive
and rejecting itself.
beating itself with a hammer.
like self harm,
but it hurts both of us.
but i love it so much,
i take such good care of it
i try so hard...
i try so hard to be gentle
and give it all love i can find.
i know no one treats you very well,
but i try so hard.
is it not enough?
am i not enough, again?
I know I didn't take care of it before, is it too late?
i won't make it to see you love me,
i'm trying to die.
not by choice