I felt the weight of the world  
I woke up with warm blood in my veins
my gasp shattered the stained glass windows my heart began again, quickening
To catch up on it's time
once borrowed, twice lost

This time, a precious gift
It was beating,
like some kind of force to be reckoned with

I had been living like I was comatose,
the wishing, the earth bound spirit
the man with a lock on his broken heart
a shape shifter
we built a dungeon to haunt
fear in my love, I fell silent

I heard things, sometimes
I dreamt, a lot
And I thought I was going places
Moving,
Happening

it was all a flimsy figment, a nightmare
until I ran far, far away,
And opened my eyes for the last time,
realizing I was still alive,
realizing I always was
Thanking goddess for life support
as I was about to sleep walk off the tallest roof when the angel of sanity arrived

I'd become a ghost in his shadow
my grave was a place I was searching for four years
cause in my mind I thought I might find everyone who loved me, there

One day I gave myself a scare
my temple hopelessly bound to my sins
I was convicted
as I felt a supernova in my chest
pinprick of the arm, the plunge,
and then
the feeling of the word "die"

I swam to stand up after,
my lungs told me
they were black, sick and tired of breathing
my heart kicked
when I hadn't the breath to scream

I crawled until I caught my breath
threw my shoe box in the closet
made it down the stairs
and then knew I was okay
I wasn't sure I would ever sleep again after that

What I was sure of, was that
I was given a chance

I could not stay awake forever and wait for help
I didn't have the heart to ask
a part of me that I hate was ambivalent about living in misunderstandment
living in this world

I kept moving, finally alone
I dropped to my knees
I prayed, crying on the eve of my 22nd birthday
watching the sky from my patch of grass
I heard booming thunder
the sky was crimson and violet

Knowing this was foreshadowing
Divine intervention
I took it upon myself to make the world understand my god-forsaken storm
I stayed up all night again, screaming out
Like emergency sirens

Morning bloomed
I took a walk to a place I felt safe
they came and saved me, I was put away
There was no cake or celebration,
But finally, I fell sleep

I wish I could tell you
I've been awake ever since

However,
I have mostly drifted in and out of consciousness

Demons rear their heads
Eyes deep with sincere vacancy
You speak beside me in tongues
I feel warm, they are all familiar
But it is not my fight to fight

I am going mad
I strike a match to you
So dark, I can hardly see
Come here, please

I wanna feel your heart
Beat

Say you want to run away
As long as you'd take
me with you
Say it with conviction
Spit it out,
Grab me by the throat
And I will loosen my leash

A sun in your sky
Not what you need
Mesmerizing
I see light in you
As you take mine in, in sips

Cue the solar eclipse

As we fade into the night
My psychopathic delight
We're all just in this for the fight

You kiss the hollow of my cheek
Tell me how I am so unique
And I chase my tail for you,
All hopped up on emotion

Just a Lonely girl with
some divine notions

Let it fall apart, baby
Cause you know
I will just blame it
on the Starless Night
Say "Fight the good fight",
Thank you, for the scars
On my broken heart

I just wanted to go out and play I would say
I just wanted to have fun
I never meant to cry wolf
I thought I was one
I thought we were all friends

Life was testing me
I was younger, full of heart
But the world left me hungry
And soon I was ravenous, wild
I flew the coop
Let's scatter

And Victoria was on the row
our faces were in the snow
you don't know me, no
it was all just a part of the show
just for show
you wouldn't know, no
you had to be there

We were 19 and on fire,
He said he felt inspired
My eyelashes tickled his neck one time and he lost himself in love, said let's go higher
Once I started I kept going until consciousness left me
A liability, it's not pretty
You should have just crashed your car, you thought

my fur was violet
I was always fighting with myself alone and howling at the moon


I faked it all to live
I'm a doll, I said
I modelled, I kissed you after the party after you told me about that tree, you said you almost died hanging on
I fell right then
I cried that day
It was your fake chemicals we ate
You tricked my heart

We ripped in the bitty,
Need a pack of cigarettes, no, butts
Need to go out and get that grass
Let's get lit. Let's go.
I'm writing a book, I insisted.
After this is all said and done.

After that was all said and done.

"You're too much" he said.
So I left, and I made a house of cards so tall and delicate
I drank, put on my ballet slippers
You tried, I yelped
Nice try!

Took acid that night, with Maxxie
He knocked at the door and I barked like a dog
Bathed in pastels and I was skin and bone
I felt so alone, I was just skin and bone
Powder in my teacups
Red hieroglyphics on my skin
I cut off some fur
Bleached it here, and there
And I ran scared

No one scared me like I scared myself.
My heart, I took it out and stuck it on the shelf.

December 20th 2013
"D-Day", I whispered
Mom unlocked her door
Made me Mac and cheese.
I showed up at Heather's office in Hello kitty footy pajamas after my first nap in days
Succombing to the vanity, I threw on a dress and got into character
I was very small
I felt so very small
I wasn't there at all

I was like, Doctor, let me catch you up
But she cut me off, yeah
She cut me right off and got on her phone cause she heard the yelps, the howls
underneath the barks
She could smell the forest fires
She said I was mad, no I wasn't bad.
"But we have to put you away."

So that day, I got put away

Again

The ambulance came and I laughed in hysterics and said you better just take these now
Here's the candy...

The Show must go on
Please don't put me down

Yeah, they put me down alright

black hair, black nails
the smoke in the room burns stale
I disappear into the shadows
extinguished with the ash of my cigarettes
that burn away like a cloud of doom
like the lonely blackness I feel in my room

your eyes burned out
of my periphery like dead stars
the night fell over me
a burning shadow
I am a spark of a wick
I wanna take you apart
see what makes you tick

and I can't shake this malady
I want to blur the lines of reality

you found me
in the drunkest slum
of my life, an alleyway
of my broken dreams
glittering like my eyes on you
the night you fell asleep beside me

I lost you
my eyes grew vacant
somewhere between blood
on the pages, ego in the dirt
innocence burning up
and exploding like fireworks
you lost me somewhere
as everything became a blur
on an uncharted trip to hell and back

I’m still trying to find my way back
I’m still knocking on heavens door
I used to have wings but
the angels don’t believe me

please just believe me

the sunset left
a dark forest
to trek through
I tried to retrace
my steps- backward
pick up the trail of my
wounded ugly pieces
-my broken trail of regrets
and it took me to places
I did not want to find myself
falling behind;

I think I am losing my mind

the darkness falls
and I am with it, a bleeding star
much too near, yet gone too far

the fire came and went
I sifted through the broken bones and ashes
I traded literature for books of matches
I bit the dust, I thought I was heaven sent
but my soul was spent

now the storm is coming in
I lie awake, remembering my sins
the walls of my heart have grown cold
the snow froze the ground along with it
I feel like a waste as everything gets old

I dug to china
with a rusty spoon
only to find all those years
I had only buried myself
much too soon

home will always remain
a broken-winged bird of a word

the darkness sets in
as I swallow my handful of pills
my light burning out like a candle wick
my heart and my soul have never felt so sick

demons crawl under my sheets
they claw and slur ***** whispers that
surface my internal screams and whimpers
evoking the nightmare, the everlasting scare

and I don't know how I got so off course;
I am going mad with remorse

I live for the lyrics
I hold onto every word like
a chest of precious gems to covet

I lose myself in words

I must learn
the melody so that
my heart finds a rhythm
and my tired feet are able to dance
away the heavy weight I carry

I lit half of
a lonely cigarette
the moon peaked out
at me from her foggy haze
and I knew everything
was going to be okay

these chasing admirers
they don't love me,
they just want to own me
I could teach them what fire is
but I'd rather burn, alone
I am a girl best left unknown

does it feel any better, after?

no, it hurts
it awakens everything I ever tried to bury
it stirs the cauldron, it makes things scary

my eyes well up
the walls begin to bleed
my skewed periphery is blurred
along with the weeping howls
I taste salt and feel claws in my throat

my face becomes a black lagoon
my mind bears it's dark side
like a haunting moon

my inner demons are put to rest
and I'm shoveling away as I plan to bury them
they scurry and claw up my throat with
senseless last words
best left unheard

a razor blade in my hand
that brought blood to my thighs
when there should have been tears in my eyes

locks of hair that
I sawed off along with my weathered pride
vibrant red, along with shades of brown
smelling of stale cigarettes

the blade will speak on my skin no more
my hair will grow as spring creeps upon us
and the flowers bloom

here is where I bury my regrets,
among the butts of countless cigarettes

they set me free
like a mended bird after
feeding me pills to hold still
I don't fly much, now

not quite caged
not quite free
still broken

demons slithered into my view as night fell
whipped my curtains across
so I could not see through this relentless storm
my breath became a shallow wind
as they cast shadows upon what was once my sanctuary
all wings, no fairy

they grabbed me by the throat with spindly fingers
and ***** steak knife nails
turning my screams into a gasping whisper
they pressed until I begged them to take me
put me to sleep
make this end

I am awake
my mind feels like
a rising sun
It's almost ten
but this isn't fun

pour a coffee
stirred with ice; black
my demons linger
but don't attack

I smoke my first cigarette
I know I ain't seen nothing yet

crawl into my mother's bed
I shiver and wonder

where the hell is my head?

I fear I’ll dwindle away into the silent cavities we call the past

into the shades of gray, the opaqueness; through the looking glass

glazed with a thick impenetrable fog, under skies once so vast

yes, life was once like I was awake- living in a lucid dream

but dreams, they never last,

so why lust for the past?

eaten away, decaying as time passes and I only grow weaker

once so thick-skinned I seem to be becoming porous, like deteriorating marrow

I walk alone now, a fragile soul encased in a matching vessel

feet growing too heavy as the roads narrow

as the darkness paints the sky,

a star glows and guides me home like a sparrow

it still aches,
it's like trying to
firmly shut the door
as a vast blizzard tries
to linger to my heart
and freeze it

and “never again” is beginning to sink in
i’ve always been so persistent, stubborn
i just cannot imagine you being temporary

your words that night pierced
-i didn’t want to remember you that way
desperate for closure
i left a big space for you, pages upon pages

and now i’m clicking my pen, starving for words
i rip out our final page, and flip back 3 pages

we were just the boy and ******* a balcony
flicking our cigarettes, ashes dancing in the august air

things were so simple back then,
on page one hundred and ten

i cannot let it go,
it’s written in pen

we left footprints on the moon
slept until the afternoon
caught the stars in our hands
you changed me- changed all of my plans

but now
I can’t retrace our steps-
in the sky,
there’s nothing left

I am seeping with such stress
I can feel it in my bones
I’ve become such a mess
oh, my dreams are sinking like stones
severed, hanging by a scarce thread

what if some morning,
I can’t get out of my bed?

I mostly am stuck in the depths of my own head
but I would much rather be in yours, instead

he takes me, something so tarnished and broken and makes me feel complete

if only for a moment, i go from being an ashen speck of coal to being a pearl

and when i sleep my pillows are his arms, oyster shells and i gleam in my dreams in the mirror of his very essence,

i speak with confidence but he knows i falter, a tight rope artist clinging to the rope for dear life, watching the world beneath me constantly destroy and rebuild itself, as i try and fail to regain composure

and although many thoughts have yet to leave my tongue, he knows i believe

that i am not capable of being loved,

but still when i close my eyes his rose petal lips find my ears

and whisper sweet nothings

until awake fades to sleep, and sleeping fades to dreaming

my veins started to feel like tangled up coils of thread that thawed and lacerated as the cold came and left

clip my iridescent wings
strip me like saturn without
her rings

these pills have me so
reticent
but I never lied when had I said
that I was spent
my porcelain lips part like a butterfly

and my words pour out and

cut like silver kitchen knives

my problems fogged up

and spilled through these vents

but I never lied when I had said

that I was spent

the night is dark and relentless

and unforgiving and for a moment

I almost hate myself for painting myself

back into this starless black abyss

I beg for the moon to kiss my hollow cheek

but she is gone, hidden away and angry with me

I cry and howl, my mane gone along with

the stars with no promise to return by the break of dawn

I whisper a remark:

it is so very dark

I am alone with nothing but the sound of my

pounding heartbeat in this sad ghost town

nothing can keep me warm, now

not even you or your arms

I am see-through

I am no longer safe from harm

as everything
freezes over and dies
a solitary gust of smoke
escapes my mouth
into frigid air and
I feel I am finally alive

and with a ghost
I lie awake all day
just to stroke his head
and late at night I swallow pills
to put myself to bed
3 am I lie awake
fighting the feeling
as you begin fade away
the rest of the ghosts
come out to play

I wish you could have stayed

you found me
in the drunkest slum
of my life, an alleyway
of my broken dreams
glittering like my eyes on you
the night you fell asleep beside me

I lost you
my eyes grew vacant
somewhere between blood
on the pages, ego in the dirt
innocence burning up
and exploding like fireworks
you lost me somewhere
as everything became a blur
on an uncharted trip to hell and back

I’m still trying to find my way back
I’m still knocking on heavens door
I used to have wings but
the angels don’t believe me

please just believe me

why fall in love
when you can fall out of trees?
why cut yourself when you can
run around and skin your knees?
why do we grow up in such a rush?
innocence grinded down
with the pills we crush
why is it all too much?
story after story with such and such
we fall apart, we fall together
and forget that life is about creating something immortal, something hands cannot touch

I lock myself in my little cell
a princess in a tower, but this is hell
and I don’t gaze out the window yonder
I just sing in the shower, ponder
with stewing sorrow
until tomorrow
my bones are aching
my heart is breaking
as I lose power, my soul devoured
amiss this wasteland of slush and ash
sends my spirits dwindling
with my demons, now dashed
under my skin, rusted blade
buried with all of
my darkest sins; this hell I made

I stood alone in my cold tomb
I wanted to pick everything up
and bleed myself dry with unrequited love,
fix every broken winged bird I set free too soon,
erase these voids, sew myself back together, somehow
my heart had become this open cage where dark beasts
laid their heads to rest, only for a night at a time
tried as I may, nothing ever stayed
but I awoke with the same haunting feeling
love in the past tense; a lingering suspense
dawn brings black coffee, another cigarette
another impeding sense of doom

the people I thought I knew became a gallery of dimly lit bulbs in the distance, a burnt out fire that I let down- or perhaps it was the storm

my eyes were blinded by the ice
I knew the worst was yet to come
I turned and no one was beside me
I carried on, my eyes locked on a promising chandelier;
the hidden sun in the distant months to come

seep through your fingers like time;
the sands of an hour glass that came with the board game
blood staining your fists, my wrists
the mattress soaked in summer sins

my innocence as dead as the stars above
my heart that could never beat out of love