Submit your work, meet writers and drop the ads. Become a member
 
Serena M Aug 2019
I remember posing for you on the boat, long gone now
The city tore it down and we
Failed to keep ours afloat

My hair was blonde when we first met
Starving artists living on a prayer
At Timothy’s we congregated for coffee
You saw how I was so young and jaded
I felt my heart beat like a butterfly
My soul stopped and stared at yours, without knowing
Whispering, “This is fated”

Long before we both got sick
I whispered to you in your bed
“You don’t know the difference between
A kiss and
A Pin-*****”
Little did I know then,
I was speaking
For myself, as well

On the darkest day of November
I ran to your side, of course
I sensed
A disturbance in the force
I preferred the devil I knew
To the one I’d never saw

I had demons of my own, under my skin
No time to get caught up in
Someone else’s sins


“Throw me a bone
I’m caught up in a storm
Of my own”

Knock knock
You were there
When no one else
Listened, understood
Or did me any good

I thought we were good

II- Stockholm Syndrome

You showed me a love I’d never known
At the time it felt almost enchanted
Our poison made us take it for granted

I got to run away for a while
I always liked your impeccable style
Your charm began to blur the alarm system
We walked mile by mile
Further than I had
In my twenty-some years

And then, came the tears
My third eye lost it’s sight
When poison coursed through veins
Crying as the sun rose into light with disdain
“Lay down my fists
Here comes more pain.”

Help me! I’d cry
As I lived out my lie
Every needle plunge exclaimed
“You’re gonna die.”

I would sink into
The living room rug as hell opened up
The devil sneering “we’re waiting for you, buttercup”

I would try doing less
Then the bedroom was a mess, then the bathroom
Every room was prevailed
By doom

Poison to flower;
My soul was devoured
Disempowered
Once your wild rose

I slowly began to decompose

When I looked in the mirror
“Alana” had disappeared
My body simply a host
For lost souls,
Hungry ghosts

The war had just begun
You shut the large blinds
Said to me without looking
“You are not the sun.”

I think that was the moment
I realized I could not keep you
Or your heart
Warm
Any longer

I sat on the bathroom floor and wrote
I stared at my arms for hours
Sore, bulbous in areas, scarred
Bruised, yellowed like a sick yew
I noticed
My skin has began to redden and peel in lesions
Trees losing leaves, changing with the seasons

Cigarettes, stress, drugs- Psoriasis
The dermatologist told me in her tidy office
The best part
Of that day
Was catching the bus with my little ticket
Pulling my knees in, and listening to sad songs peacefully
Whimsically repeating the dark melodrama,
The things I believed in-
That I was in love
That I was miserable
The things that felt safe

What I feared most was dying alone and in pain
But the worst
Was yet to come

Time passed
By April I had been fired
Because mine had burned out
Taking too many sick days
Originally out of anxiety and lack of social adaptiveness
Breeding into
Pure hedonism and sloth
You hated that
You were so ill
You wanted money to keep going (and eventually die?)
Or perhaps you wanted me, not to give up on myself
You never said so

Your presence dwindled
I spent my last $3.50 on grapenut ice cream
To see you
To be with you
To share something with you
You were there but you weren’t

I started thinking about suicide as it began to build up
The weight of the lies, the drugs, the empty
The dog’s sad eyes and your self-neglect
My credit cards were maxed
My arms were a minefield and my legs,
Looked like a very hungry caterpillar had chewed them up

One night you broke…
I found the courage to speak to you
And you said I “had started all of this”
When I “had began staying with you”

In fact: I had come to your side, my best friend turned lover
To take care of you.
When I was 20 years old

I ran off and bawled,
Harder than I could ever remember
I felt my heart break in my chest and cried harder
You yelled my pet name and said my cries were cute
You taunted me
You were a mad man

(That I saw as a baby boy, somehow)

You never slept with me in the bedroom anymore anyway, so I set up camp
I had my supplies
I had my spoon
(the little one) and then
When you would amble around
Take off, leave me
I’d get into your concoction
In your not-so-secret hiding spot
(I knew our apartment like the back of my hand by now)
It was on a dark, stained wooden bookcase you’d had for years
Placed up high, out of sight
But never out of mind

Every shot at this point
Was a “shot in the dark” ...potent
A ****** up sort of Russian Roulette
Dancing with a devil that only
Pretended to care

I don’t blame you for resenting me
And I think it goes the other way around
I had to go, and you had to move on

I wonder everyday how the hell my heart is still beating
This is a piece about a very traumatic and self destructive time in my left. I wrote this as a sort of closure as I processed things.
Serena M Sep 2018
I was once a slave to the blade
Also to the pin of sins
And yeah, I thought
I had it made

Sugar spun mascara doll eyes
Life was a series of battle cries
Fate cut me deeper than I ever had the courage to carve.

It was a losing fight. The self-pity, the bloodletting, the IV plunge of butterflies, bats with razor blade wings in my veins was going to give me the feeling of life I so ached for. So I nearly slipped away from here.

Time ran out and was borrowed again
And it was not until recently that I discovered that the courage was in fact, in stopping.

The courage was in deciding to love myself anyway.

The courage was in fighting the good fight, and uncovering the joy of each breath that I take....The joy of being alive.

The courage to accept nothing less than what brings me that.

And that is How I Came to Thrive.
a narrative of sorts, after having been clean for 7 months and self harm free over 1 year
Serena M Sep 2018
this is the calm before the storm
the quiet place by the shore,
where you lay down the corpse of your sweet remorse

this is the clap of thunder
the thing that pulls us under
where you lie awake
and wonder how it all got
so loud

this is the crashing of the waves
ominous, crisp echoes in our caves
where we learn to be brave
the sky fell above us
it just could not behave
Serena M Jul 2018
Demons rear their heads
Eyes deep with sincere vacancy
You speak beside me in tongues
I feel warm, they are all familiar
But it is not my fight to fight

I am going mad
I strike a match to you
So dark, I can hardly see
Come here, please

I wanna feel your heart
Beat

Say you want to run away
As long as you'd take
me with you
Say it with conviction
Spit it out,
Grab me by the throat
And I will loosen my leash

A sun in your sky
Not what you need
Mesmerizing
I see light in you
As you take mine in, in sips

Cue the solar eclipse

As we fade into the night
My psychopathic delight
We're all just in this for the fight

You kiss the hollow of my cheek
Tell me how I am so unique
And I chase my tail for you,
All hopped up on emotion

Just a Lonely girl with
some divine notions

Let it fall apart, baby
Cause you know
I will just blame it
on the Starless Night
Say "Fight the good fight",
Thank you, for the scars
On my broken heart
Written on a whim at 3 AM
Serena M Jun 2018
Cleo
She is frost-bitten newborn kitten
Left out in the cold
Mother rescued, but euthanized
‘Cause she was just “a little too old”
These violent mishappenings occur

Will she be found, drowned, sold?
Will we let her die out if the cold?
She is the swift foxes prey
Dear God, please let us pray

Lost kitten, be warm tonight
Lost kitten, sense the danger
and know when to take flight

She has become feral and the man does not understand her
Will she ever know how it feels to purr?

Counting down, 9 lives
8, 7, 6
A narrow escape on the highway
A miracle occurs in the cold light of day

Coaxed tenderly by a gentle soul
Now she lives in the warm barn and sleeps with the foal
Her name is Cleo

I believe in gentle souls
They help me sleep at night
I cannot save this world alone
I am too weak to fight

I am Cleo
But God, please tell me
When I look into the headlights
Will it save me
or will it end me?

And will there ever be a warm place waiting for me?

“Cradle me in your arms
I won’t bite you if I know I am safe from harm.”

Someday, I will adopt Cleo’s one-eyed brother
I’ll stroke him softly as he purrs to sleep,
I will be his mother
Serena M Jun 2018
Sometimes it’s like we’re
Swimming
The ebb and flow
Carries me along

One time, long ago
I felt this way
I swam across the ocean
It was more than worth it
Until I tried to find my way back home

I was swept into the turbulent currents
By my strength,
I swam and I swam
Until my feet touched again
I made it to the sand

I never forgot
The chills I had
When I touched land

One time, I felt this way again
I swam past the drop off
I was thrilled by the warmth, the depth
Of the water
Determined to find
A new horizon
For life on land had become so mundane

Soon I was swimming with the mermaids
Going under
Perhaps I had gone insane

I was never one
To enjoy my feet
Touching bottom

I swam
And I swam
Until a sort of disenchantment occurred
And I lost my fleeting tail

I thought I could
Swim alone
I was lost, still
Determined to know
A new horizon

I kept swimming
I was in too deep

And soon I could not sleep
Lest I would sink

I kept swimming,
And the night was silent

As I almost drowned

I came around
Guided by the light of the moon
And the map of the stars
I found my way back to shore,
Safe once more


I can breathe, now
Sometimes I still want to leave
But I know I wouldn’t get
Very far

At night
I lay and watch the stars
I feel the sand, I understand
I am a creature of the land
I can swim anytime I want to

Here, I don’t need to worry
About catching, or losing
My breath; freezing to death

Here, I feel okay
For now, I will stay

You know where to find me
My heart will always belong
To the sea
Serena M Jun 2018
I have started to
spring-clean my  Heart
and make a home for myself
out of a place
once so infected
and cold

There is a storm in my head
And a fire in my chest so hot
I feel it beneath my feet

my hands and
my eyes
my lips and my hair
along with my fingertips
want nothing but
to get caught up
in a Symphony of the
Love
I feel beating
through my Body
now that
I have surfaced
and thawed
beneath our sun
I feel it in my veins, it
waxes and wanes . . .

It drives me completely mad

and this is the nature
of the Alana I have
come to nurture

but I can practice
self control

I can earn back
what the darkness stole

My pledge to my consciousness
my presence;
The essence of my
Body and Soul

Must be
Irrevocable

Lest I become
A sorry Fool
And slip away
Evermore
Next page