What's ******* me up is she is my daughter and she doesn't realize that she barely knows me
It's hard to accept that I can remember every detail about her and there is nothing new from today that I can show her
How could it be this difficult to keep a relationship with your own flesh and blood?
I'm sure we would be much more open day to day if we could
But I rather not risk the fact that her father is somewhere lurking reading our messages the things we see as personal
But I will be patient and think of something worth making it all work without setting up that rage I can't seem to tame when it comes to her

He had the baby today.

I know better...

It will be so hard for me to sneak and text him during the day now.
I figure, I can move on with my Latin lover and be secure in what we've been building these past 5 years.
But he doesn't entice me to be the woman of his dreams or to play house with the "normal" gender roles.
I'm aware he doesn't deserve me.
He never has.
Still two children and a half past later, I'm still here.
What am I doing to myself?
While my youth is slipping away, he had his second child today.
I will go home and make nice with my Latin lover in order to make him feel like a man and for me, It will make me feel as if I've filled that void of the love this Latin man can't give me.
His past has him trapped in a place I can't reach.
Not because I don't understand but more because it is all out of my age range.
While I'm resting my head on his chest, arm wrapped around his body, mind thinking on how his baby was born today, I will always remember where I should have been.

WHEN WE FINALLY MAKE IT HOME FROM OUR HOUR LONG TRAIN RIDE FROM THE CITY
BACK TO THE BROOKLYN JUNGLE WHERE WE'RE LIVING
IN THAT, WAY TOO FAR, ALWAYS GRITTY, PART OF NEW YORK CITY,
I CARRY THEM
BECAUSE THOSE FOUR FLIGHTS UP TO THE HEAT WE CAN'T ESCAPE IS TOO MUCH EVEN FOR MY SEASONED LEGS
HUFFING AND PUFFING
THIGHS ACHING
CHEST BURNING
I HATE TO SEE THEM IN PAIN
IMAGINE THE SENSATIONS THEY MUST FEEL HAVING TO WALK SO FAR UP
JUST TO BE LOCKED IN UNTIL THE NEXT WEEKEND BEGINS

i never heard her fall when she did
but the screams that she had fallen woke me
and now, even five months passed, i am not coping
i still see her lying there on that bedroom floor
arms spread out like a cross
eyes wide shut, unblinking
i feel guilty
i question if there were more i could have done
just thinking
what if ?
and why then if it had been her time
why can't i let those emotions dwindle
just thinking

her husband's new life is filled with so many tears
i never heard a man cry the way he had that night
the way he wore her wedding band on his pinky
asking the hospital if he could take her home
his shock tore my heart
so now on my weekends
i visit him
we laugh fake laughs
the laughs that are filled with so much hidden pain just to make it through another day
we cook in the memory that she will be sitting at the table with us
and when i come back home i cry wishing i could have stayed longer than just to visit

I need to be freed from this curse that is you
you've imposed so long in my space and after having bore two of your children and cancelling a third I know now that this is not what I deserve

I want flowers and cute dates but you say I will **** them and the drive-thru is our new "favorite" dinning place

I never imagined I would end up here
half way through to my degree, still lacking an actual career

I'm embarrassed to know you, be joined to you in this life

Cut me from your noose and let me run far away from you

i think i'm going krazy. to believe that someday someone will actually love me and mean it. love me and not make me want to leave them. when i first tripped and fell in love, i was young. i'm still young, but i was really young.
he used to make me feel like i was the only girl in the world and in his, i was. then the jealousy came. the twisted lies about how he'd heard i'd cheated on him were thrown wild in the mixx of hits and i love yous.
and the please don't leave mes he used to sing when i was tired of fighting back or being his punching bag. i never thought it could have been me but it was. and i've never told too many until now. he gave me anything i wanted until he wanted me to be isolated in his world alone. hidden away.
i'm happier that i left him alone. sad our daughter was conceived in our dysfunction. i left him and found another just like him without the physical abuse but the psychological.
i blamed myself that two years, even though i knew it wasn't my fault.
i've found potential in people and my thought process was not the reality i ended up living.

I'm looking forward to the kisses that trace along my skin
lips kissing lips, tongue breaking skin
but then again, I could be getting a little to used to this whole celibacy thing
the idea that I have become one with myself, taking the time to get to know me again
but nothing could compare to what I have learned to conjure up deep within
the urges for affection
a good cuddle when it's all over
the arms of a man and his scent better than a blanket to cover
but the constant urges to touch
to feel
the need to be relieved of the stress
that need to have that loneliness healed
no worries about if I'm his one and only
if there is potential beyond today for love
just me, my thoughts, and perhaps a strong toy when it all becomes a bit too much

For now, I am ok
Just fine actually
But around midnight I get down, so blue
at the sight and thought of you
I miss you so much my words can't form, just tears
That night you died rings so loud in my ears
those cries, the shrills
I remember clutching my baby close to my chest as I tried to run down the stairs
no one home
my sight blinded by tears
I fell to the floor, still baby in arms
tears and more tears
weakness filled my heart
I keep blaming myself for not starting CPR
for watching you die beneath me on that floor
slow breaths
tears on pause
thinking to myself I know there is a God
he won't let this be
not here
not now
not here in front of me
He was screaming
my uncle I mean
I kept trying to reassure him but I knew he could see
her lifeless body
eyes wide shut
shoes still on her feet

It's been nearly 5 months now, in about a week
and still those are the only images I can see
Him being carried down the stairs
I've never seen him so weak
We don't even talk about it
too much but we're still grieving
I remember this Summer
at the table
he ate with her picture just so he could see her
I rushed inside and cried
those tears burst free
I couldn't even catch my breath
I'm nearly in tears now over her death
but my tears aren't able to reincarnate that life
these dry tears won't ever bring my mom back

i start rambling when you touch me
not because i am uncomfortable but because i like the way you handle me

demanding my lips
your hands on my hips

you telling me special things
things i dare not mention

i get weak when you smile
not just because i love it but because i know we are both too shy
to say what we really mean

i put my hands in your pockets and tilt my head but look away
so many ***** thoughts but i don't think i can say

i just want you forever this way
what ever is left unspoken unimportant the rest of our days

i want this now
let's both hold hands and fly away

Look me in my eyes
while we make love
even though I'm shy
I promise not to look away
stroke me like you're searching
kiss me while you try to find
whisper ***** things
get inside my mind
pin my arms up
cease scratching
draw circles
sign your name
I don't mind
just make it last
don't worry how much time has passed

He keeps trying to convince me that he will change
Can't teach an old dog new tricks
He keeps telling me he loves me
But how can I survive off of a what if?
We have no trust so we have nothing
I am not afraid to start over
It's been four years no ring, no commitment
And I was really stupid I have to admit
Because he was a rebound and  i let myself get serious
Now I'm much more upset because we have two kids

can i have you?
not just your body but your mind too
your secret thoughts that yield the truth of the real you
the silly things you think when no one else is around
those things that make you laugh those hearty laughs
can i have you?
flaws and all
your sleepy voice in those late night calls
your sweaty t-shirt from a long summer day
or your sweat shirt
or the shorts you sleep in at night
but hey either way
i want you
in ways i can't describe
i mean things i can only think
i can't describe
i'd rather show you
show you how i want to love you
know you
show you all the ways i want you
can i have you?
i'll show you how and where to start
let me have you
let me have a chance with your heart

I don't want to have to pick through your fragments and broken pieces
I have too many of my own that I haven't had idle time to rid of
because where I'm from, no one taught us that broken pieces weren't actually useful enough after being discarded to build something
So I've carried them year after year
heart break after heart break
fears and more fears
that someone would notice that I've been carrying all these pieces that are mismatched and mostly by nature
natural because each time I get shaken and rattled
there are more pieces
more fragments
and as we each go to bend down
to retrieve what we conceived to have fallen
we've ended up picking up someone else's pieces

convince me otherwise
but I know more than you're thinking
I've been through some ups and downs
some on the high side of extreme
but I'm still here
lost amid the troubles of this world
a woman now afraid for her children
no room to be an afraid little girl
ashamed, sometime, of the blessings I've received
afraid that they only see my exterior
not the power and beauty of the reproduction of my genes
and it would seem, that I've gotten used to being stared at and talked about as if I can't see
but who in their right mind would ever get used to being judged by the smaller pieces?

i hate that i can't erase the traces of your lips from mine
that i can't go back to the day i let you in, no way to rewind those evil hands of time
i hate that i can't simply unlove you
delete you from my timeline as though you were never there
unlove you and unfriend you
block you from showing up in my searches throughout my facebook and swear i never knew if you were or weren't there
it's unfair we have no way to put into a search box the qualities we're seeking in a mate
i know for sure i'd dodge your bullets
i'd have no gun or triggers any ways
you would never wonder if i were the one who'd got away
you make me sick to stomach in a salmonella poisoning kind of way
makes me question how we met and if i should have retreated and gone the other way
now i'm feeling a little stuck like how can i run away?
you've stolen my youth
my faith in love
and my fruits among other things
i just want you to go
find somewhere else to be
but go away
this thing we call us has run it's course and what else more can i say?

if i knew i were to live 100 years from today, i'd only want to live in this very moment with you
your lips
your eyes
your teeth
****...
that smile
i'd want to live between forever and a day with you
i'd like to wake up to your morning breath
girls like that simple ****
i'd like to sit on the toilet seat and talk to you while you shower
watch you from the door frame as you dry off
sit on the bed and watch you with curiosity as you get dressed
and think to myself every day, you're a lucky man
not just because you have me but also because that very moment i first described, you'd always be a part of

I just want to go some place really high and in the middle of droves of people
and just scream until i feel my tonsils jingle and my ears are ringing
the misery that fills my mind is making it hard for me to concentrate on anything
the guilt, its power to ****** me is far from who i am but it's convincing me it's true
but
i don't think i even know who i am any more
i'm not that same girl next door
the girl all the guys know for being the best girl to ever touch a basketball
i wish i knew her

my father is always talking, lecturing
i just get quiet like a little girl and i listen
majority of the time i have no idea what he's talking about
so i just listen
i start thinking had i grown up with him how would my life be different?
would i have ever been homeless?
would i have had four kids?
and would i have trouble making poor man decisions?
i'm not ashamed of my truth
i know i have daddy issues
but i think it's where i go from here that will make me resilient
i used to pride myself on not needing validity
but as i dig a little deeper i come to see
more of that heavy murky stuff that's deep inside of me

my mother was a rolling stone
i guess where ever she found a glass was her home
chasing a man that probably never existed
caught up in the life of family visits
i never understood her even now i can't figure her out
the cutting the drinking the slick words from her mouth
she was broken
she still is
washed up into the world of freedom she forgot about her kids
i think she's jealous of me
i guess i need to explain
what child would believe their own mother hated her due to her jealous rage?
I did, i do
i make my life what it is and she still can't find her way through
thinking that she'll get another chance and i want to tell her it's over for you
i thought at one time she'd love me and come back
but she never did
i thought she'd love me and we could for the past but i never did
i just can't forget
the regret
the shame
the embarrassment
it's attached to my last name

I've seen a lot of things, took some mental pictures
because some time I can't capture those images in any camera lens
so from memory I paint vivid pictures
on a canvas so clean and I'm the only witness
read my images
see what I've seen
be where I've been
Imagine those dark and lonely corners I've been backed in
simulate your escape
how would you have reacted?
Memories are the scariest tactics
since you only remember the perspective and not what actually happened

give me your word that you'll change
but for you because i still can not stay
the years and time i've wasted living this way has to end
even if i have to sneak away several times and come back again
you tell me you love me to make me think you do
trust me i know that isn't the truth
you've beat me with your lies
that's more painful than any punch could ever be
because my mind makes me feel and some feeling for me don't just leave

my father once told me i was raised wrong
funny he had said that because i agreed
we don't choose our parents but i wish i was able to
i don't think he has a place to say i was raised wrong because he wasn't the one doing the raising
i want to tell him, "daddy, i need you" but how many lies am i actually afforded in this life time?
might be better i leave him alone
send him pictures of the kids via cell phone
write him text messages when i'm ready to
and send e-mails explaining nothing just more like i'm thinking about yous
i don't know how i should be treated by a man from his teachings
just the series of heart breaks that have molded me into who i am
til this day as a woman, i still feel weird crying
i will hide away to let them fall even though deep down inside i'm dying
i have daddy issues
i have mommy issues
i don't want that to be the future of my children

Limp
Ashamed
Angry
For allowing your curse to ride free on this journey with me
Halted by the inability to provide
Something I take personally
Bored
Embarrassed
Restless
With your love or lack thereof
Pained by your face
Moved by your attitude
I'm shifting gears
Reversing
Trying to find the shortcut back to me

I want someone who will be strong for me when I'm too tired to be
too bad you're not that someone
I think about where we used to be and I fantasize that I am there again while I fake the passion you try to make me inhale
the way you kiss me makes my eyes water with tears filled with guilt
I look away and you remain with hands gripping my waist
touching those places you no longer belong
and I am filled still with the guilt I can't replace with any honest emotion
I'm fighting to be freed from the curse that is you
but you relentless in this struggle
refuse to let me go

I'm going crazy
Because I was thinking
That just maybe
You could change
I been complaining
Contemplating
How I could get away
But
I'm still here like I must stay
You are leeching at my air supply
Tugging at my voice box
And I know it's because of your age
The insecurities won't cease
That was the beginning end of my defeat
And my energy is depleted
So I through my hands up in defeat
Ha ha
You win
Only it isn't funny
When
You have someone who will chastise and never defend
All the while I've been
Bowing down
Excusing myself
Apologizing for stuff
All the way backwards I've bent
Just to see that snide grin
That awful smirk when you're saying I'm sorry
over
and over
and over again
No more excuses
No more I'm sorry
Because apparently we are all sorry and no one has the ***** enough to apologize and follow up with real change
I can't be the twenty something year old mom who looks three times her age
From the stress and the lies and the promises you've made
I need more
I want more
I
Deserve
More
But I am too tired from waiting all these years to continue to hold on
There is not hope here
We are the dry season that bears no new fruit
We are the plague that destroys all things in its path
And I don't want to be a part of the storm that's brewing with you
Just give me a chance to age gracefully
But with someone who won't take all my joy away from me

I need my daughters to know
that's it's ok to cry
Not only sad times or when somebody close dies
I need my sons to focus on them first before a woman presses them to please what's between their thighs
I learned some real lessons through the lens' of these eyes
Everyone who say
they love you probably don't that's hard to realize
So if you stuck on you til you ready won't never be much surprise
Take your time and til it's time less drama in your lives

When I was 16 I was sure
Never was the type to be confused or pressed to explore
I knew the Bible pretty well and faked a front for my cousins about the "real" Santa Claus
By 18 my values were **** near null and void had a baby but graduated I accepted those applause
Not knowing that secretly I was the pillow talk
Haters came and tried to end me by bumping all they jaws
21 I had finally felt free
Tried hosting parties and nights clubs for a *** *** twenty dollar fee
22 second baby on the way
He was special and I loved him
Just wished that heart ache would've gone away
I was broken and hoping there was a super hero on the way
Disappointed on my own city shelter's where I stayed
Baby daddy on my jack
He was jackin that he wished i woulda stayed
I kept my head up and my eyes peeled and continued walking away
24 here we go again baby boy was on his way

I swear I want that fifth grade feeling again
am I asking too much?
all we used to do was giggle, pass notes, and share those shy touches
You rocked my world!
I can't even lie
but the way you had to leave me
no hugs
no good-byes
then over ten years later
I see you again and there was no surprise
it still felt like fifth grade when I looked you eye to eye
I couldn't even pull it in
all I could do was smile
thinking **** it's been too long
you still have to be mine
lost touch again for a while
came back around
we were both still so high
come to find we were now in relationships
but thought maybe we could just mess around
we got caught up
still text
but again we lost touch
now again we're back at it
just like the fifth grade
giggling, texting, and sharing grown up touches
I just want that fifth grade feeling
I just don't want to rush nothing

Cheers!
with this empty glass I toast
to the empty past
filled with
tragedy
let downs and empty emotions
broken promises
bad decisions and mental brokenness

I toast to the truth of reality that has knocked me down and made a man out of me
yes, a man
buried beneath ******* and thighs that cover up flesh and lies that stuck to me

Let's toast to never forgetting the impossible truths
the reality of what is and shows proof

Broken
open and vulnerable
pieces falling
invisible
only to show
like dew drops
just appear
shattering atop
concrete
loud as thunder
though
only I can hear
peace passing me
like clouds sometime do
dragging confusion
along
I'm shopping for solitude
In a middle-eastern country
within my mind
choices raining on me
pressuring me to face
reality
and open up my eyes
purple clouds elude my vision
rainbow skies brighten it
although I'm seeing things as they are
I am still missing the haunt of reality
The truth under the atmosphere
Seeing all I want to see
yet, not seeing all there is at all

fury in the pit of my heart
piloted by madness
flying recklessly throughout me
hitting the stones as they fall
chipping away at the pieces of me that can not remain
fire burning rapidly
destroying the remainings of manageable sanity
breaking down the silence that was built to keep my rage from escaping

The sorrows of today will fade away
The dreams will bloom as the blossoms of the spring do
The wishes will float into the thickness of the skies to rain again, with moisture of new hope...

Tell me what I mean to you
If in fact I mean anything at all
I'm sorry that I'm asking but I'm not sure how much longer I'll have to savor you before you go
I won't ask any more questions
I will lay silently in your arms
I will pretend we're lost lovers just meeting for the first time again
Charm me with your whispers
Your sent dancing against my senses
Should you leave
I won't lie I won't be happy
but I will cherish our memories