Something's happening inside of me
It feels so familiar, its happened before
This sadness, loneliness, and smallness
I'm lost again, falling down, down, down
Reaching up, but there's nothing to hold onto
I know this feeling, I've felt it before
Its FML all over again

Stuck in this whole I can't get out
Falling deeper, I don't know how
Won't someone help me now?
This crying sadness and unnerving madness
No one to help me and no one to care
Meanwhile I'm in total despair
I know this feeling, I've felt it before
Its FML all over again

My have run dry but still I'm crying
My head hurts, I feel like I'm dying
Help me now, oh won't you please
I'm lost in this maze, please show me the way
No one answers, no one is there
I know this feeling, I've been here before
Its FML all over again

I smile when my profile picture gets 50 likes
but would it mean more
if I liked my face without the assurance of others?

Maybe not,
I'm a millennial, after all.
1994, born and raised
a "90's kid."

I tweeted that...it got 12 favorites.

Too bad I can't favorite my internal thoughts
in order to validate them without sharing them.

I sent that as an iMessage
to my friend who responded
"#deep."

I'm posting this poem on the internet
so that people I don't know can read it.
Maybe they'll even leave a comment.

I say what I feel,
via text message,
followed by an emoji and a hashtag
as a sort of millennial footnote,
minus the APA style.
I'll use LOL style
or FML style
or the style of ironically using texting lingo
to prove that I'm not #basic.

I, Lex the Millennial,
wrote this poem on my iPhone 6.

I have so much to do
yet so little time
not a penny to spend
but there's so much I need to buy
not a dollar in my pocket
and my gas light's on
I need more money
but I work, a minimum wage job
I'm behind in my online class
and can't seem to get it done
I told my mom I've submitted more assignments
when I've only half-completed some
I just failed government
a course I'm required to pass
I might not get to graduate
when all I want to do, is leave high school in the past
I just want to be happy
but lately, even breathing is hard
I need a drink and joint
and I'm still too young for the bar
the stress is like cancer
slowly taking my life away
these days, I don't even sleep
because the anxiety keeps me awake

Go ahead
Call me or message me
Tell me how you hate me

And I'll remind you
I loved you when you were afraid to be with me
Because we were only eleven and our peers opinions mattered

I'll remind you that one year later
We had our very first kiss and it was perfect
Except for the part where you moved away
And didn't tell me

I'll remind you that when you called me
I had just suffered statutory **** for the first time
And you told me you loved me for the first time
We were only twelve

I'll remind you
You stopped calling

I'll remind you
You moved back
And dated my friend for a month
And I was so happy she ended up liking girls

I'll remind you I forgave you
I tried to be friends again
I told you about my other ****
We talked about our failed relationships
We were fifteen

I'll remind you it was your idea to meet up and kiss
And how we talked for an hour before I couldn't take any more
And I kissed you and we didn't stop
We never wanted to
But you caught your breath and asked me to be yours
And as scared as I was I said yes

I'll remind you we ditched school only a few weeks later
And you told me you loved me and I never believed you more
Then in that moment by the skating rink
And I almost cried saying it back

I'll remind you that we made love
We made love everywhere and all the time

I'll remind you that three months in
You proposed to me
We were fifteen
And I said yes

I'll remind you that we broke up
On and off for stupid reasons
And that you always ended it
And I always waited for you to change your mind
And you always did

I'll remind you that at sixteen my best friend and her boyfriend
***** me and you thought I cheated
And you hid your revenge for over a year

I'll remind you that we survived months
Of long distance
And with our libido it was hard

I'll remind you when you moved in at seventeen
You promised you would stop leaving me
You would stop breaking my heart

I'll remind you that we stayed up late in the living room
Watching movies until we fell asleep there together
Because at first it was the only way we could sleep together

I'll remind you that your family's opinion of me didn't stop me
From visiting them with you one Christmas

I'll remind you that no matter how many times the darkness
Emerged from you I accepted it

I'll remind you that when we slept together you made me
Spoon you and rub your back and I always would

I'll remind you that you stopped kissing me
Stopped making love and started to pity **** me as
Youtube videos played in the background
And I would cry and go unheld

I'll remind you that you talked to her
After promising not to
Because you broke a lot of promises

I'll remind you I still forgave you

I'll remind you that one morning
You held me
Which you hadn't done in so long
And we woke up just like that
And you told me you were leaving
I didn't cry at first
But I felt every part of me break
More than it ever had before

I'll remind you
You blamed my mom
But she loved you like a son
That's just how she treats her kids

I'll remind you
You asked me out again
Not long after we had make up *** a few times
And I cried because it all felt so different

I'll remind you that with a broken heart
I ended things for the first time from eleven to eighteen

I'll remind you that I wanted to stay friends
That I wanted you to prove you loved me
Because I always stayed when you ended things
And you disappeared like you always did

I'll remind you that our story is messed up
But that we loved each other somewhere in that mess

I'll remind you that you will always be first in my heart
And that nothing can change that

I'll remind you that I forgive you
Because I love you
Because no matter what happens
You're my best friend

You were the first person to show me
Just how happy I can be

You taught me so much
And my heart,
It'll always be yours
Even when I mess up too.

March 10, 2009
This is my first entry in this diary
My name is Landon
I have one brother
He is the idol of the family
I have to be exactly like him
But I'm nothing in his shadow

March 15, 2009
Story of my life
My girlfriend dumped me
For her best friend
She really broke my heart
I have scars to prove it

March 23, 2009
My dad just beat me again
He said I should of been aborted
He says I'm the reason for his alcoholism
He blames me for my moms death
She died in a car wreck
I was crying in the back

April 5, 2009
I have really nothing left to fight for
My teachers try to help me
They just don't understand my life
Even when I try to explain it
But every body thinks I'm exaggerating

April 7, 2009
Just found out my grandma died
She was the only person I honestly loved
She would bake me cookies
They were the best
She knew how to make me smile
And now she's gone

April 14, 2009
My dad just tried killing me
He choked me half to death
I hate my life
Bet nobody will miss me if I ended it
Maybe I should

April 15, 2009
Best friend talked me off a ledge
I love his crazy ***
He is always there for me
I'm glad he is there for me
Dude is my brother

April 20, 2009
My ex just came to talk to me
She wants me back
Her best friend cheated on her
I told her yes
Maybe that was a mistake

April 24, 2009
Relationship...FAIL
Life...WASTE
FML
Best friend isn't around to help me
I just cut myself again
Whoops got blood on the paper

December 16, 2009
Sorry I haven't written in a while Diary
People probably would think this is gay
For a guy to be writing in a diary
But your the only thing that can listen
To everything I have to say
Quick update though
Nothing has gotten better
Everything has gotten worse

January 1, 2010
I fell in love with a goddess!
She is the best thing that could happen in my life
She is a poet and wrote the most beautiful poem I have ever read
She called me her perfect, beautiful demonic curse
She loves me too
I'm...happy...this is what it feels like huh?

February 14, 2010
I just went on a date with my girlfriend
Came home to my dads fist
It was suppose to be a good day
And an even better evening
She doesn't even know what goes on in my life
I don't want to bring her into this hell

February 20, 2010
She said I was being distant
She asked for an explanation
I told her I couldn't tell her
For her I wasn't going to tell her
She asked if there was another girl
I told her I was loyal like a ******* puppy dog
She still ended up breaking up with me

I just can't do anything right

April 2, 2010
I almost killed myself yesterday
I know it was April Fool's day
But I'm not joking
I'm planning my death I'll keep you posted when I decide
Diary...I love you.

June 14, 2010
I think in about two days I will be prepared
To end my life
Best friend is gone and I can't get a hold of him
Mother is dead and it's my fault according to my father
Father is an alcoholic
Brother doesn't want to listen to me
Nobody cares anymore

June 16, 2010
This will be my final entry
Diary, I'm sorry but I can't take it anymore
I already have 47 different pills ready to take
A 45 locked and loaded
Ready to scatter these unbearable thoughts across prison walls
I already slit my wrist again
Goodbye my friend
I love you

This is Landon's story
A kid that committed suicide
He was 16 years old
He died June 16, 2010
Time unknown
Don't let this be you
I don't want to write your name
Into the Diary of Broken Souls

I have so many faults
and you overthink about them
but I am not a bad person I swear
And it keeps up all night
thinking these thoughts are killing you
I wish I didn't make these mistakes but I wouldn't know what I do now

It's full of pain, lose, disease,
Anger, hatred, and poverty
If I missed something oh well
Every corner I turn there it is
Another thing trying to bring me down
But still I refuse to bow
I contemplate my demise
Every little detail
How deep to cut my wrist
How tight the nuse will be
What caliber of gun I will use
My life is hell
No sense in dying
When I'll just be here for all eternity
No rest for me
Just a life always meant to be ******
FML

Life is full of anger, hatred, pain
Let me tell you about myself
I am not scared to die
Been through so much tragedy sometimes I wanna be in the sky
I know how it feels to fly
Wonder how it feels to be in heaven
My mama believes I am Ignorant
For not thinking about Loans
No one told me life would be this way
And I never thought I would get this far
My life is hell
They say I should don’t worry
But why do I worry so much?
I cannot even get any relaxation
Money has to be everything
Every night I have nightmares about college in hell
No sense in success
Sometimes I feel like
FML

Beside the window sits chirping
Chirping
Chirping
Birds! I'm trying to write. DBQ... FRQ..... Fml...
Starting-
passing by the sun hides behind the top of the sky
Noon- I'm trapped
Black
white
Colorless ideas and sights
"Opinions" used to persuade the guard to mark down you did all right in your studies
Adolescents- slaves to your presence
Obey the clock
Tick
       Tock
Tick
       Tock
Tick
"talk" speak your mind as long as I agree
God forbid,
My mind wanders
Far away lands,
Flowers unsold
People oh so bold
Love un-withhold
                        Stories untold
Take hold!
Wake up!
Absorb this!
My soul is invalid...as I am a slave to sick, adolescent oppression
Education is just memorization.
.

I am a snow ball
Melting into a liquid puddle
Evaporating
Disappearing
By the thirsty air feeding on me

© Jl 2016

u got me waiting
blue eyed dreamer girl
like

eating dreams
we on an ultralight beam
and evenings are gold

you got to know i haven't
always felt like this
heaven's got dawn streets
laced with honey-faith
and sunlight texture

grace my feet
and i **** with that
just with your friends
and your blue eyes

/****/