Esther

Esther Jun 2019

for so long
i’ve been guarding myself
against the world
i know the feelings are true
that you love me
and i do too
but i’m scared to fall
afraid to hit the ground and s h a t t e r
like the way it was before

every time i get happy
hearing those sweet words and blush
my mind beats against my heart
reminds me that i’ve been broken
the past haunts
stealing away the present
why?
i don’t know...

when i find myself taking screenshots of our midnight conversations
something tells me that i’m in trouble
“oh no, stop it right now girl! you know this won’t end well, why try in the first place?”

so i find myself back here
pacing back and forth
alone in this matrix
wondering if i’ve dodged a bullet
or lost the love of my life.

— cloud 9 ☁️✨

for you, daniel.

Esther Apr 2019

title

i hope that in another universe
there's another you
and another me
and they are so
desperately
helplessly
happily
in
love

because they never gave up the first time.

@11:01pm
15/03/19

#in #another #universe #we #never #go #out #of #style

Esther Mar 2019

for you.

i'm in that sunken place again
where you never existed
and i don't, either
floating in my darkened consciousness
sinking, drowning, dying in
pain, regret, sorrow

3am
i'm lying wide awake
bathing in the moonlight
that once lit through our 5 hour conversations
the empty space beside me
feeling so insignificant now

lonely pillows soaked in tears
whispering the saddest lullaby:
"come here, moon child
you'll fly too."

-- fly high, moon child ☽

#for #you #moon #child #come #here #and #fly #high

Esther Feb 2019

my 2nd depression nap of the day...

i just wanna curl up into a ball
wrap myself in blankets
the only safe place i've ever known

lean back
smash my head into the pillow
fall back
and sink into this familiar dark abyss

like a cocoon
but i won't emerge as a butterfly
i'll just rot here
and become a corpse.

i just can't do this anymore.

@3:39am
26/02/19

#depression

Esther Feb 2019

u n t i t l e d

you're my Friday night
and i'm your Saturday morning
you seem more ideal than me
but i offer you the comfort that you need
you give me life
i give you peace.

@9:11am
29/12/18

#untitled #friday #nights #saturday #mornings #weekend #vibes #life #peace #comfort

Esther Feb 2019

///////////// a n x i e t y /////////////

anxiety
anxiety
anxiety
anxiety
anxiety

i can't do it
i ******* can't
i can't do anything
help
i can't breathe
help
why is the room swaying?
help
i don't want to be here
HELP
WHY CAN'T YOU HEAR ME??!?

i'm so
anxiousanxiousanxiousanxiousanxious
i tried
i really did
i wanted to make it
but i can't
the demons in my head
the demons in my life
they've got a hold of my legs
and dragged me
down
down
down
I'M DROWNING!

no it's not an excuse, a seek for attention
i. am. *******. sick.
you don't know me
you don't know what's best for me
you. are. not. me.
no i don't wanna talk to therapists after therapists
no the meds are useless
you. are. not. helping.
stop forcing me into talking and meeting people
all eyes on me
judging, hating, excluding me
i know it's all in my head
but you know what else is also in my head?
ME.
i'm feeling it all, not you.
and i don't know how to help myself...

anxiety
anxiety
anxiety
anxiety
anxiety
please, *******.

it was supposed to be my first day at a new college but i had an anxiety attack and cried and ran home. i don't know what to do with myself. i am so wrong, so sick. nothing is helping. i know i am a disappointment. i am so lost in this world.

#social #anxiety

Esther Jan 2019

dreaming of you.

sometimes
before i sleep
i wish that i'd dream of you
because
in dreams
is the only place i get to see you again.

in my dreams you're touching my face
and asking me if i wanna try again with you...
and i almost do.

@12:31am
16/01/19

#dreams #are #never #enough