I had a dream last night.
We were at the airport.

Tears were welling up and the knot in my throat threatened to break free.

You poked me, with your typical smile,
You said...

"Hey! Don't cry! It's not like this is the last time you'll ever see me!"

The **** broke.
My half laugh/half sob burst out.
And through the tears I said,

"If only you knew how wrong you are...if only you knew what you're about to do to me."

Never again will I let myself be someone's back up plan.

I was a back burner, in the shadows, half forgotten back up plan. The last thing to be thought about, and the person to be considered least. I was a placeholder to keep the loneliness and isolation at bay.

All I wanted in life was to be made to feel wanted. To finally be able to claw my way up the priority list. Maybe that's what it was.

I was not a priority.

I was nice to have around. Convenient.

I mean, distance, seperation, empty promises... I took all of it. But not only did I take it, I returned it with love, patience, loyalty. I gave time, money, energy.

Everything I had.

Everything that made me who I was as a person.

In fact, I gave so much that I lost who I was. I forgot what it was to be...me.

So when he left, when I was no longer convenient to him, he took everything with him. My laughter, my joy, my ability to find the silver lining in any situation. He took my faith, my trust, my belief in others...

But, he did leave me with something at least.

He left me with a shattered life. He left me with trust issues. With depression, and anxiety attacks at work. He left me with more tears than can be counted and endless empty tissue boxes. He left me with a shell of who I once was.

And he was gone.

I guess when it's not a priority, it's easy to leave. When the one person who sacrificed everything she had...who gave every piece of herself.

But, HE was his priority.

So no. Never again. I will never be a back pocket, third place, maybe one day girl. I will never let myself beg for affection and love again. I will NEVER be made to feel unwanted. Forgettable. Disposable.

I want to be wanted. I want to be THE priority. Because when you truly love someone, they will always be your priority.

Otherwise, you never loved them at all.

Just the convenience of them.

Maybe, when the dust settles,
I'll look up and find your gaze fixed on me.

You'll wipe the grit from your eyes,
Blown up by the turbulence we called our relationship.

You'll see past the cloud of doubt and fear and hopelessness,
That seems to have pervaded the sanctuary of your peace of mind.

And when the dust settles,
Maybe you'll still love me.

Because I can't stop loving you.

I find the quiet scratch of pen on paper to be soothing.
My thoughts flow more easily from my pen than they do my mouth.
It is impossible to articulate emotions into words.
How can you describe the indescribable?
There is a need there, a desperate hunger.
Not to keep you in my life, but to make you happy.

Whatever the cost.

You are one ment for greatness.
People like you need the chance to change the world.

And you will.

Of this there is no doubt in my mind.
People like you give people like me someone to look up to.
A standard for which I am constantly striving.

And maybe one day we will sit down across from each other and smile.
For we will both have accomplished so much.

Maybe one day you can be happy again.
Maybe one day I will stop hurting.

Why not today?

Why not now?

The future is terrifying and it is most certainly not set.
But one day at a time, we can handle it.
We can only live in the moment we have right now.

Let's love it.

Cherish it.

And make it the greatest moment of our lives.

Then maybe one day,

We can be whole again.

He spends his days making promises,
Knowing his word’s fragility.
He fails to realize the power he has,
Or the magnitude of his ability.

He casts his net upon my heart,
In a way that I can’t resist.
The cords all blind me to the truth,
So that nothing seems amiss.

But then his focus starts to wonder,
And his eyes begin to stray.
His stare has suddenly snared another,
And I know I should not stay.

But knowing that I was once his catch,
The prize beyond compare,
Makes me wish he would hook me again,
And hold me forever there.

Today, I forgot to remember you.
For once, I didn't give you a thought.
I was able to get through my whole shift,
Ignoring the pain your abcense has brought.

Today, I forgot to remember the feeling,
Of being held safely in your embrace.
And for once on my drive home,
I didn't slow down near your old place.

Today I forgot to remember to call,
To hear your voicemail play.
I'll never again hear you greet me "Hey Sugar"
Or tell me "Have a blessed day".

Today I remembered to accept,
That you have left and passed on.
And though I know I will see you again,
I wish every day, that you weren't gone.

I’m trying to find the words,
To describe just how I feel.
What once flowed so easily from my lips…
Now I find it hard to even kneel.

Am I talking to empty space?
Now I’m not so sure you care.
That is, if you’re even listening.
If you’re really even there.

Is this how Christ felt?
When you turned away from your son?
I don’t understand why I feel so alone.
Please God tell me what I’ve done!

My body is crumbling around me.
My mind is starting to fade.
The only visitors I ever see,
Are the nurses and the maid.

I know that I am dying.
My time on this earth is through.
But I’m not so sure I’m “going home”.
Or that I’ll soon kneel there before you.

I want to find the darkness,
That says I’ll soon be dead.
But nurse gives me some “happy pills”.
To keep me in the bed.

Instead I’ll close my eyes,
And let myself pass on.
It isn’t like I really matter…
…no one will miss me when I’m gone.

I say love you more,
And you wish you could argue,
But you know it's true.

No cages with bars, or locks shut tight.
No walls or ceilings that block out the light.
No ropes and chains are holding me here.
But trapped all the same by my endless fear.

I feel your hand squeeze mine tight,
      But nothing's actually there.
Your blue eyes dance with happy light,
     This distance is too hard to bear.

I long to feel your warm embrace,
     Holding me tight and fast.
I'm desperate to close this giant space,
     And make our precious time last.

Your absence leaves a gaping hole,
     Where my happiness should be.
Why must you leave me here a drift,
     Why won't you stay with me?

I wonder what you would say,
If you could read my mind.

Would you see yourself as I see you,
So gentle and so kind.

Would you follow the wandering path,
My thoughts tend to take.

Would you have courage and strength,
To find out what makes me break.

I would blush in embarrassment,
When my feelings went on display.

You would probably be appalled,
At the complete and utter disarray.

You'd stumble upon my dark secrets,
But would you turn and run?

Or would you take me by the hand,
And guide me into the sun.

Would yor judgement cloud my head,
With disappointment and shame.

Or would you smile and hold me close,
And love me just the same?

So if all these things could be seen,
Put on display for you.

Would you stay beside me,
And love me through and through?

I'm finding it strange,
My heart aches with pain,
For something that was never mine.

Are you brave enough to follow me,
     To foreign places and dreams.

To stretch the human limit,
     And rip reality at the seams.

Would you dive into unknown waters,
     To follow my crazy trail.

Or stand with me through a hurricane,
     And bask within the gale.

Could we walk beside a lion,
     Strolling hand in hand.

Could we ride the backs of desert horses,
     Flying free across the sand.

Or maybe we could lay quietly,
     In fields of rolling green.

Fingers entwined, legs tangled up,
     A quiet, peaceful scene.

Would you let me sleep beside you,
     Stroking my still face.

Would you do all these things…
…am I worth the chase?