I wish i could feel
Those dearly hated emotions
That kept me up for days.
The ones that broke me down
And put me through the haze
Of emptiness.
I want my life to go crumbling
Down on me like
Raindrops on a sunny day.
I crave destruction,
I crave self-hate,
I crave it as much as an alcoholic
Craves alcohol
Because I don't deserve to be fine.
I don't deserve happiness,
I want it all to go away.
The blade that left
More than figurative scars
Is so tempting,
Yet it doesn't feel the same.
I feel pathetic and no good.
I want that blade to hit my skin
And be self-destructive.
I want to be this way again,
But i don't.
I wish I could be normal

This isn't 2007
You're not as pretty as you think you were
Or as fit as you were back then
You're not in high school
You didn't even win Prom Queen
All your juvenile accomplishments may have meant something to people who cared about high school
But then nobody cares now
Suckers are falling for the cruelty of compliments
And they can't tell the difference between an insult from your mouth and kindness from a good person in the form of me delivering you to the painful truth
That when you were somebody
It wasn't preparing you for anything
You're going to be nobody forever
Just another face on TV
With 15 minutes of forgetability
Because you were never really giving. You never knew what it meant to defend the defenseless, fight for what was right, or think about making somebody else look good when they needed a win.
You only think of survival in the jungle of pettiness
And when you feel you've done some sort of triumph
It's always about you

in the face of tragedy,
innocence is almost aborted in the womb of Life.

furthermore, to keep this little piece of fragility--
this little bit of light that is left inside,

one being divides into two.

once arisen from the deepest of slumbers,

the face you see in the mirror
isn't quite the same one you saw
the night before.

puzzled, but too dazed to pose a question,

you continue onward

with your uncomfortable day.

when night falls,
your hands are around a neck,
squeezing, choking,
stealing away the last of the air inside someone's lungs.


in a flash, your eyes open.

there is a tightening in your hands--

but you are too tired to wonder why.

you arise from your sullen slumber,

and look in the mirror.






why are you smiling?

Sometimes when I feel low,
I'll pick out something
I've done wrong, and
obsess over it.
I won't let myself go,
I'll  keep going back
to that moment I messed up,
until it's one in the morning,
and my eyes are too tired to
cry.

It just hurts.
To breathe
To move
To talk
To exist
To live.
There’s no motivation to move on.
To let go.
To live.
I’ve lost my way and
Ultimately, I’ve lost myself.
I don’t know who I am.
I feel as if I’m no longer worthy of living.
No longer worth waiting.
No longer worth anything.
I hate all who I am.
And I’m sorry.
I’m sorry for not being able.
Not being good enough.
Not being enough.
Or even good.
I tell everyone that
I’m good.
But I can’t do this anymore.
I can’t do this.
I’m losing it.
I’m losing my mind.
I’m losing myself.
I’m losing everything.
And honestly,
I’m just exhausted.
I’m just tired of failing.
And falling.
And faking everything.
I just want one person to just sit down.
And ask me how I truly am.
To look into my eyes, and be honest.
I just want to go out in the open, and…
SCREAM.
It’s like I’m being burdened with more and more weight everyday.
Every single day is like another layer of pain.
Another layer of hate and anger.
Sadness and grief.
Regret and rejection.
I can’t.
I can’t do this.
It hurts to see people happy.
To see people laughing.
It hurts to see people gathered together.
Unaware.
Of the subtle things.
Of the truth behind masks.
Of the brokenness of this world.
Of the brokenness of the people around them.
And it hurts.
It’s like being left on the side of the road
With a knife down your throat.
Because they all just want to be reassured.
Whether or not there’s a cure,
They don’t care.
Who cares, right?

Ah
it's cold
and I have a hard time
holding this pen
like I used to

So
I unfold
I'm convinced of my crime
hiding in my den
like I'm used to

And I've been holding on
dreaming, fading,
tired for so long
I remember your voice
Can I ever hold you
can I ever have the choice
I'm not used to

Why is it being so ******* me
how am I always wrong
when the voices tell me I'm free
but really all I want is to belong
Anything could be better
Nothing is the matter

It's alright
go back to sleep
it's just another lonely night
I'll feel better after I weep
til tomorrow
another gloom
wraps me in trivial sorrow,
For you I'll go catch the moon
your blanket looks warm, just tonight, can I borrow
If you don't need me, I promise I'll leave soon
I'm used to