I am drowning
Gasping for air
Reaching for help
Held down by what I cannot stop
Surrounded by what I cannot bear 
Choked by what I cannot see
Cut off by what I cannot explain

if happiness was
a cake,
i wouldn't get
a slice.
i would circle around it,
smelling,
wanting & drooling
over it.
but never daring to
take a slice.
waiting for everyone to take
their share.
& when everyone has taken
one or two,
i see the empty cake plate
& sigh.
my stomach grumbles at me
again.
i am hungry, starved of food
again.
but i refuse to take a slice
of cake.
& like a sick girl, if i was offered
a bite
of someone else's slice & i ate it,
i'd *****.
purging myself of the things i'm not
allowed to have.
because i'm not a girl who deserves
this cake.
& i cry myself to sleep asking myself
"why"?
why can't i just eat the cake
& be happy?
but i still refuse to take a slice
of cake.
because it seems so much easier
when i'm empty.

Crystal blue eyes,
They remind me of the ocean.

As beautiful and limitless, as breathtaking and devastating.

To set sail is a death wish,
and to never try is a regret.

Eyes are small and red,
lashes clinging close with tears,
shadows in your face.