searching for a word to explain my mood right now; not antisocial, more of just *withdrawn

When people ask how old I am
I sometimes say 15,
Although i'm now 17.
Its like you left my world
And time stopped.
Ever since you vanished
I can't remember what year it is
I can't pinpoint our last normal conversation either.
You know,
Without the passive aggressive comments
And the unsaid pain we both exude.
Maybe time froze
During that final exchange
Because now I can't remember how old I am
And you can't remember how to talk to me.
We sit in this bitter moment,
In the middle of a conversation
That was never resolved.
My mind replays every breath
Every scream
I'm trapped in a fortress of your insults
A kingdom of your manipulation
You're miles away but I feel your energy.
I can't help but wonder
If maybe I spoke to you,
That time would move again.
But what if I remember how old I am
And you remember how to talk to me?
What if time never even stopped,
And i'm the one who froze.

"We are meant to be"
Doesn't change anything
We are not to be

The highs and lows of the tide continue, but it remains to be seen what will wash up on the shore...

You hugged me as If I am your world
But then you pulled back from that hug to chase your universe.

If you know
that it was not good enough
it's okay.
If you know
that it was your fault
it's okay.
If you know
that you are reaching a new low
it's okay.
It's okay because in the end,
it was you.
It was you
who picked up the pieces of your heart
It was you
who got up from the cold bathroom floor
It was you
who decided to get up this morning
and that is the strongest thing
a person
can do in their
lifetime.