I have always been one to run.
When feelings of love wash toward me in warm waves,
I become worried and bound away fast.
His arms keep me from leaving.
His stare holds my eyes and ties me close.
I watch him laughing and my stomach flips.
"Be careful."
"Don't let it hurt again."
And yet, his touch brushes my thoughts away.
His grasp, you're mine
His kiss, don't leave
His warm demeanor brings me back, close to him.
When he's away I still feel his soft lips on mine,
his heat that warms me.
He does not leave me.
So I hold my breath and dive.
Because falling is only frightening when there is no one to catch you.
*I'll catch you everytime, dear

I don't like sharing.
Or letting you into my space.
I have a hard time with being kind.
Judgements come naturally.
Strangers can be punchlines.
Your feelings may bother me.
I want you to like me.
But I may not like you.
My first impression of you,
Sticks even when I'm wrong.
I don't like how I am.
I've said I would change.

I haven't.
But I wish I would.

Nostalgia washes over me like powerful waves do in the sea,
as they crash, knocking me back to shore,
to my reality.
Small satin sage ribbons wrapped around two messy pony tails.
Little white socks up to her ankles,
embroidered in lace.
Baby fingers and toes, grasping at everything within reach.
An active imagination filled to the brim.
Fire breathing dragons that hide under the sofa,
the princess' castle poised on the roof,
crawling worms found in chinese noodles for dinner.
Searching eyes filled with wonder that look back into mine.
Childhood may be ephemeral,
but its sentimentality reigns forever in my memory.

Why don't you forget about me.
When you're feeling lonely.
When you need a ****.
How about you forget about me.

I am not your cigarette
Smoke me and leave me on the pavement.
Why don't you forget about me.

Why don't you leave me where you found me.
Alone.

I wish I was still sitting beside him on the couch.
The IV drip counting the time and the smell of his shirt sitting in the air.
I never got to ask him what to do.
I never got to ask him how to love.
His eyes are forever shut.
And so is my heart.

This kind of feeling can drive you mad.
Slowly brushing your hand,
Trying not to let you see me blush.
Knowing what's happening can't happen.

But I still need to know what you're thinking,
I still want to know what you feel,
I still want to be so close.

And I can't say a word.
I can't ask the questions I want to.
I don't want to ruin it.
I am pretending to like not knowing.

I've always been the woman of many jobs,
Who floats from one thing to the next.
My interests are too expansive and too small,
At once.

I always change my hair,
I frequently change my diet,
And I always change my mind.

I wish I had a passion,
Something to call my own.

And though I have my loved ones,
I'm always left alone.

Some may say I'm in a valley,
And all that's left is to climb.

But all I see is myself,
Slowly wasting time.

It's in the quiet.
Surrounded by buildings,
or in the midst of high rising trees.
The absolute silence.
I think of you.

Do you think of me?

My thoughts are haunting me.
No amount of time can take it away.
It's when I'm alone.
And I think of all that happened.
All that went wrong.

It's been a while.
But I can still feel the tears coming in hot.
Before I stop them.
It's in the quiet.

I think of you.

Its crazy to me.
How the ending of something can prolong itself.
How one can completely forget their reasons for a decision.
I want to be alone.
And yet I have this gnawing feeling in my stomach when I am.
I suppose it isn't the human way.
I have never been what one would call normal.
But I still have never felt like this much of an outsider.
I watch the world in front of me, and can only sometimes see my place in it.
One ending.
And just a face, a similar shirt, a  blurry photograph can bring everything back in full force.
I want to be alone.
I am independent.
But I am still waiting, to find what I've been looking for.
Consider this a hiatus in the grand scheme of things.
And cheers, to the bittersweet feelings that cloud my already fogged train of thought.
Because what would a boring normal mind be anyway.

The scruff on his face tickles against my lips.
The only sound I hear is our unsteady breath,
In and out.
His fingertips send small rushes of heat throughout my entire body.
It was a crush.
Small giggles and holding hands.
His arms wrapped around me as I lean into him.
It was a crush.
And now it's much more.

Life is a race track.
If the sky falls down,
if the car loses a tire,
if the transmission bursts:

Keep driving the **** car.
You pick up the pieces and you keep going.

You are the only driver you've got.
I don't care if the car crosses the line spitting and groaning,
and falling apart.

I would rather get out and push that thing in high heels to the finish line.
Then to give up.

Keep driving the **** car.

Her heart is hidden behind vines of ivy.
She is guarded, and protective of her thoughts.
A crafted burglar could not break into the solace of her mind.
She is humble, modest and timid by nature.
Like a box, once opened she is loud, outspoken, and wild.
She is beloved by all who know her.
She absorbs more than it seems, and feels deeply.
Her hope is as strong as a lion, when she desires something greatly.
She is genuine and pure.
Delicate like a rose’s petals,
Secretive like buried treasure,
Kindled like a burning fire.
She is independent.
She is beautiful.

It's in the soft wrap of a blanket,
The warm touch of the sun.
The loving look from a baby,
The gentle hold of your bed.
It's in the crisp bite of an apple,
The slow sway of the flowers.
The sweet music that fills you,
The joy of not worrying.

It's there.

There are too many questions that exist in this world.
There is little trust and much pain.
We are so accustomed to doing what we always do.
The same mornings, afternoons and evenings.
Where is the adventure in that?

One day you're a kid running around in the backyard,
and then, all of a sudden you are grown.
You move out of your mother's house and fend for yourself.

Do you believe something just because it's all you know?
Do you strive for deeper meaning?
Or maybe knowing more is a dangerous thing.

Who will you live with one day, and where?
What will you believe?
How will you see the world?

Everything is just one big adventure.
We can't sit back in what makes us comfortable forever.
The day will come where we try something new, hear something new, see something new.
And will you allow yourself to branch away from what has always been home?

Don't step back.
Jump.

I'm awake,
With my eyes closed.
Write what you're feeling.
Paint a masterpiece.
Take photos all day.
Make short films like you once did.
Read every book you can.
Bake new creations.

Live up to your potential.
I'm asleep, with my eyes opened.

if you love him, let him be.
Do not over analyze his words
Or his message.
Do not grow sour in a silence,
Do not fall cold in stories past.
Accept him for who he is,
Human.

There is no perfect man.
There is your man.
Let him say what he wants,
Let him think how he does.
If you love him, let him be.

He may not be an open book,
Or a romantic poem,
But when he shares his mind,
I could listen forever.

Those eyes that lock with mine,
In every movement,
In the quiet,
Or in between the covers.
Those are the eyes I see,
Even when mine are closed.

So I love him. And I let him be.
If he treats you with love and shows only loyalty.
Then please just love him. And let him be.

A segmented discernment between what I feel and what I know,
remains in my being throughout the day.
A hardship cycled and recycled,
until the truth comes out.
A graying cloud filled to the brim begins to rain down.
Redemption, hope, simplicity.
And all I can say is,
*Let it rain.

It's in the dirt smudged into the lobby rug,
And hidden in cobwebs under the stairs.

It's drizzling down the side of tall buildings,
It's wafting towards us in the air.

It's in calloused hands and drying mouths,
It's in every grimace and every pout.

It's life.

You may not like it.
You may turn from it in disgust.
But it's in you.

The same specs of sunlight you crave,
Crawl in the night.

It's the stuff of life.
And it's in you.

Wake up, work, repeat.
Welcome to the world.
Wake up, work, repeat.
Enjoy your stay.

Eat breakfast, eat lunch, eat dinner.
Traffic will be the death of me.
Eat breakfast, eat lunch, eat dinner.
Paperwork causes paper cuts.

Sleep, exhaustion, repeat.
Tomorrow is just another day.
Sleep, exhaustion, repeat.
I'm calling in sick...

Warm, wet, perfect little spheres
slide down my blotchy red face.
Like crystals, fragile and sparkling
their value held priceless.
Words the true criminal, and I a victim
to bad timing.
I close my eyes.
Feel the moisture between my eyelashes.
Breathe in slowly through my nose.
In.
Out.
In.
Out.
They didn't mean what they said.

Little darling sit and take a look at your world
The greens, blues, reds, oranges, yellows and the swirls
Can you believe you know me out of all of those on Earth?
Can you see through the lies and realize what you're worth?
The crystal clear, the bright and light and the diamonds here you find
That all those flaws and wrongs you hear are only in your mind
So smile, raise your head
Forget the things they said
Don't look down, just watch the trees and buildings overhead.

Arms outstretched.
From fingertips to fingertips.
Separated by evergreens and sand.
Connected by the glimmering orb seen around the Earth.

His smile.
The way he holds you close.
His eyes watching you from so far away.
Distance is nothing but numbers on a meter stick.

I hate long distance relationships.
But I love you.

Fear does not grip the heart that yearns for love.
His haunting eyes and angry stature do not quake the
compassion I find within myself.
Simpler times flash in front of me like
the lightning's wrath let down.
They make me weary, weathered and sullen,
and yet they make me alive.
Shadows that slither down the empty walls
giving all a fright,
are merely shapes and silhouettes that I can't see at all.
Time does play with the mind,
that wanders on and on.
But love does fight with this fear that
never could be strong.

My friend and I are writing a song.
I have been trying to write from the heart and not from my head.

"Feeling crazy from this loneliness,
From a girl who fell too hard,
oh my darling, where's our love song,
Some love never lasts that long."

Like the tarnished spine of a book unread,
My heart awaits the face.
And in years gone by,
A winding mile,
I've never seen the space.

The space that greets me,
Between my body and yours,
My body and theirs,
Anybody and somebody.

Like an unopened present,
Amidst a few,
I unwrap myself and see.

The only person I never knew,
Was me.

It is difficult to live in the present,
when my heart belongs in the past.
I miss my old life.
Isn't it odd how music attaches to memory?
I hear a beautiful melody,
and suddenly I am a junior in high school again.
Or dancing at winter formal with an old boyfriend.
Although I desperately want to go back,
I know that I must make new memories,
so that one day I have more songs,
to remind me of how beautiful my life has been.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm just a memory.
How many people remember me,
in past tense?
All the lives I've entered and spoken, and laughed and seen.
The people I've dreamt of, and who have dreamt of me.

And now I'm in the present.
And I can't help but see, all the lives I've exited.
Just a face in a memory.

You and me are messy.
Stained in ways others aren't.
Crusted around the edges.

You and me are messy.
Throw us in the wash.
Hang us out to dry.

You and me are messy.
Together.
Messy together.

Pulsing adrenaline rings in my ears.
My heartbeat racing, awaiting what is to come,
in nervous anticipation.
I messed up.
I made a mistake.
I will regret it.
I hope I am forgiven.

It’s the essence of a moment.
A chapter in your life becomes minimized to a mere, few pictures of it.

And then just snapshots.
A whole year, in one blurry mind shot.
And then it’s gone.

Wrapped up with the rest in yesterdays,
Saved for a dull occasion or a sentimental moment.

A moment in time.
That’s all these are.
Each fleeting day.

What moment do you see the most?
And why is it that your mind-
won’t let it go.

Mother moon,
In the dark.
Weird, reckless, moody,
With energy that could spark.
Divinity,
Infinity,
Illuminating femininity.
The parts of you,
Hidden from the world,
For fear of harsh words.
Misunderstood.
She's beautiful.
Shes strong and exact,
And necessary.
Shining in the dark,
Lover of the light.

She sat in the sky,
Keeping warm in the glow of the moon.
Surrounded by only black.
And yet in her eyes,
The reflection of a thousand stars.

She wondered why some things were so romantically alluring.
The blanket of darkness we call night,
The burning glow of a candle,
The orange radiance of a full moon in the sky.

It's in the mystery of the night,
The call of a midnight wind,
The silence of a world asleep.

It's on the moon where she feels free.

Congratulations on your new life.
You try so hard to be more than you.

Count the lines in your skin,
The ones drawn by the sun,
That hold you together,
That are a part of who you are.

You can escape them no more
Than you can escape your heart.

The one beating life into you.

You are you and nothing more.
And that's enough.
That's everything.

I am a moth.
Drawn to the flame.
Burned.
Yearning for something we used to have.
For the people we used to be.
I've been trapped for a short while.
Lost in the dark.
You turn out the light.
My eyes can't adjust.
And when you dont mean to,
You turn my wings to dust.

The girl I once was,
Is gone.
The body I once had,
No more.
The understanding I once had,
Has grown.
The heart I once had,
Beats louder.
The skin I once had,
Is softer.

I am brand new,
In this old body.
When a baby is born,
So is a mother.

Do you hear her when you sit outside?
She is singing.
Yelling, laughing, talking.
The wind touching the leaves,
The trees swaying in her breath.
The clouds moving as she moves.
She dances.
You're never alone.
All you need is sit under her great sky.
You were meant to be here.
You're alive here.
We hide in our homes,
Our buildings,
Our hearts.
But we are seen.
Under the great sky.

Standing here in the rain
My heart just wants the heat of your body
Nice and warm
I long for a kiss of those cherry colored lips
Sweet and tender
Amazing and sweet

Now I walk though this long and winding road
Looking for person to light my world
This world that is cruel to me

There is no sunlight ever since you left
But I fight everyday
I dont let what you did get to me because one day
Karma will get you
So let move on and find the light that will guide me
Guide me to my eternal happiness

-My friend

No one wants to be alone.
And yet everyone needs to be,
before they can truly be together.

Taking a break from the ties and the bonds,
breathing in your own air,
learning what you want,
and what you need.

Is oh so hard,
But necessary.

Pins, pricking
at the heart,
waves, rippling
through the stomach,
thoughts, darting
from one to the other.

On the highest floor,
of the highest building,
on the highest hill,
looking down.

At my past life down on the ground.

Words have no meaning to me.
Their weight, their beauty, their worth,
have no value in the grand scheme of it all.
It's your actions.

We have all been lied to.
We have all said far too much, or far too little.
And it's what you do that matters.
Or in this case-

What you never did.

Such a moody colored mess
Lying between the sheets.
"Not today"
Let me sleep.

A swollen throat,
From all the things she never said.
"Not today"
Let me lay here in my bed.

And the clouds pressed onward,
And her cares hung above her head.
Such a wild mind she wrestles,
In this beaten bed.

"Not today"