Looking through the windows
of a soul that used to bleed
I realize all the pain I felt
was brought upon by me
I allowed the pain to tear me up
and break me piece by piece
I let the thoughts inside my head
destroy the best of me
Now I see, as the darkness fades
the hope that lies within
A world that could be beautiful
I just need to dive right in
greet this world, with open arms
allow the happiness into my heart
denounce the negativity
that infected me from the start
use the knowledge, I now have
as a weapon of defense
and the clarity that I’ve now obtained
as a tool, on which I can depend.

From the moment I was born
I knew that I’d be safe
I knew if I was ever lost
you’d help me find my way
you taught me life could be a challenge
you taught me right from wrong
you taught me how to deal with struggles
you taught me to be strong
you taught me how to change a tire
so I wouldn’t be in distress
you taught me to see the good in life
when everything seems a mess
you taught me to play basketball
to be unselfish, and get along with others
you taught me to always give 100%
and to always listen to my mother
you taught me everything I know about sports
you taught me how to win
you taught me to be competitive
you taught me to never give in
you taught me the things I want in life
will never be given for free
to earn whatever my heart desires
is completely up to me
you taught me how to lose with grace
and use that as a tool
to keep on pushing forward in life
and that passion is my fuel
you taught me to treat my fellow man
with the respect that they deserve
and if you thought that I wasn’t listening dad
I heard every single word
you’ve always been my biggest fan
the best friend, a girl could have
thank you for making me who I am
I love you to the moon and back, DAD

Depression takes a hold of me
Like a predator does its prey
It chews me up and spits me out
In this wicked game it plays
It leaves me feeling paralyzed
And drowns out all my screams
It takes what little hope I have
And haunts my every dream
It steals the sunshine from the sky
And drowns me in the rain
It tortures me with the demons
That have caused me so much pain
It shows me a life, so dark and empty
I don’t want to believe that it’s real
I start searching for ways to end my life
To avoid how this all makes me feel
My depression does not give a warning sign
It creeps up on me unannounced
It hides behind walls that my stress will tear down
And then it decides to pounce
It beats me until I can barely walk
And forces me to choke on my tears
It attacks me with all of the demons I hide
And feeds off of all of my fears
It shows me the devil I hide deep inside
The person that everyone hates
I know the depression will **** me someday
It’s just waiting for me to make a mistake.

The battle lines have all been drawn
the war has just begun
I watch you standing front and center
while others turn and run
You’re not the type to shy away
as the flames begin to ignite
You **** your fists, and charge the hill
always ready for the fight
The battle is no different now
than it’s always been before
The enemy will fall the same
when you knock them to the floor
You’ve always had the inner strength
even when you, were younger
But remember soldier, you’re not alone
with me, you have strength in numbers
You have, a winnable strategy
that will make your future brighter
And soon, you’ll be victorious
because, you’ve always been a fighter!

I must have replayed, that first kiss
In my head a thousand times
and every time, I envision it
it still gives me butterflies
the gentle touch of your soft lips
when they connected with mine
still makes my heart just skip a beat
and slows that moment in time
when your body moved in closer to mine
and I felt your soft embrace
I didn’t want to let you go
I wanted to freeze that time and space
I’m not sure where this will go
or if you feel the connection I do
but I’m ready to take the time to find out
and I hope you feel it too.

As long as I am living
I promise this to you
You’ll never ever experience
The pain that I went through
You’ll never have to be afraid
You’ll never have to hide
You’ll never have to suppress the thoughts
Or feelings you have inside
You’ll never have to fake a smile
Or hide a cut or bruise
You’ll never wish that you were dead
Or have to make up an elaborate ruse
You’ll never have to think about
The life you never had
You’ll never have to feel alone
If something makes you sad
You’ll never feel like you weren’t loved
Or hate the skin you’re in
You’ll never feel like you are lost
Or feel like a failure, if you don’t win
You’ll never miss a single hug
Or wonder if I care
You’ll never face a single challenge
And wish that I was there
You’ll never shed a single tear
That I won’t dry away
You’ll never be a victim
To the games, your mind can play
You’ll never have to build a wall
Around your precious heart
Because mommies love is unbreakable
And can’t be torn apart
As long as I am living
My life, will revolve around you
You’ll never go a single day
Without knowing that mommy loves you.

From the moment you were born
the world was a better place
I had a special room, within my heart
and you filled that empty space
your big blue eyes and infectious smile
could light up the darkest night
you’ve brought so much joy and happiness
to my crazy little life
from your 1st word to your 1st day at school
and everything in between
watching you grow before my eyes
has been a blessing beyond my dreams
you have a heart that’s pure as gold
you’re funny, beautiful and sweet
you’re silly, wild and one of a kind
and you dance to your own little beat
you never let anything bring you down
you’re determined in all that you do
and there isn’t a single thing in this world
that I wouldn’t do for you
there’s one more thing I have to say
just a beautiful little fact
Happy Birthday Rainedrop
I love you to the moon and back

Whenever you are feeling down
I’ll be there for you
whatever problem, you may have
I’ll help you, make it through
when stormy skies, are overhead
I’ll guide you through the rain
I’ll be the gentle, caring hand
that soothes, your deepest pain
I’ll be the candle, glowing bright
to shield you from the dark
I’ll pick up pieces, left behind
to mend your broken heart
I’ll be the sympathetic ear
someone, who’ll always listen
I’ll help you find the happiness
you feel, that you’ve been missing
I’ll be there for you, night and day
through any kind of weather
and no matter where life, leads us both
I’ll be your friend forever.

i’m sitting here in silence
just wondering if you’re okay
and if you were to call me now
I don’t know what i’d say
the last message, that you sent to me
was nothing short of heartless
but my mind is playing tricks on me
despite not wanting any part of this
you’ve always had the ability
to weasel back into my life
and i’m not sure that I am strong enough
to convince myself it’s not right
for 23 years, you’ve ****** with my head
and drove me to the brink of death
you’d think, that would make me smart enough
to step back, and take a breath
but I believe, if you contact me
I’d take you back, without a thought
despite the pain you put me through
despite how hard i’ve fought
to bury your memory deep within
the dark cellars of my mind
to put you in my past for good
and move on to better times.

I’m pretty sure you’re well aware
of how much you’re hurting me
but i’m also sure that you don’t care
cause you’re not around to see
the damage that your silence has done
cannot be washed away
i’ve cried an ocean of tears over you
and you still have nothing to say
the days drag on and the nights are rough
as you happily go on with your life
I used to think that I was so tough
until I felt you twisting the knife
you must have stabbed me a million times
and yet I always came back for more
I guess I thought, that someday you might care
until you turned on me and slammed the door
now I see that you’re not coming back
and it’s slowly driving me insane
I wish I never met you now
I wish I never even knew your name.

My life is not a work of art
I manipulated the composition
I have fooled, the audience well
With gentle strokes of fiction
The canvas started out so clean
The brushes were filled with hope
But as the colors began to appear
They turned darker with each stroke
The content filled with loneliness
The image invoked confusion
So as curator, I worked real hard
To create this beautiful illusion
The architecture is minimal at best
These walls have left me trapped
The canvas filled with pain and lies
So I revert, to the abstract
The world is so insensitive
It cares not, for the real you
So I've manipulated the monochrome
So the color changes hues
But on this canvas, a life is hiding
An image, out of control, and bleeding
But I'll keep painting, a picture for you
That remains, aesthetically pleasing.

Love is all you need
are words, that used to once ring true
but now it seems real love has died
through hypocrisy and abuse
It seems the world has changed its mind
loves meaning has been replaced
by actions far less virtuous
fueled by, greed and lies and hate
Everyone is out for themselves
there’s no love for one another
people lie and cheat and break our hearts
and move on to their next lover
And it makes me sad to think about
just how quickly we regressed
to think that love is just a game
has made me so depressed
I think back to the days of old
when love was pure and true
when eyes were the windows to the soul
not a gateway to abuse
Well, perhaps I am a different breed
born of a different time
because love is not a conquest to me
it is innocent, pure and divine
The world won’t change my views on love
my ideals are honest and strong
love is not a game to me
and I will not be a pawn
While everyone, is armed with knives
to stab each other’s backs
My heart remains, my weapon of choice
and that is just a fact
You can call me old school
you can call me, what you will
but love, will never be a way
for me to get cheap thrills
Love is patient, kind and beautiful
and its power, should be revered
it should never be the monster
that so many grow to fear
Love should be, the smile on your face
just hearing your lovers voice
Love should be the happiness, you both feel
in which you should rejoice
Love should be filled, with honesty
on which your lover can depend
Love should be ocean waters deep
in which you see no end
Love should be, the rush you feel
when you touch your lovers hand
Love should be, the spice in your life
when the rest of your world is bland
Love should be, the anticipation you feel
when your lover gets home from work
Love should be the medicine, that we use to heal
that our lovers provide, when we’re hurt
Love should be sitting, next to your lover
just happy to be there together
Love should be, just as strong in the storm
as it is during sunny weather
Love should be the jokes, you laugh at together
that only your lover knows
Love should be, the song in your heart
that you and your lover composed
Love should be the longing, you feel in the air
when your lover and you, are apart
Love should be the fuel, your lover provides
to ignite, the passion within your heart
Love should be the faith, that seems to be missing
when the stars are perfectly matched
Love should be, an unbreakable bond
in which there are no strings attached
Love should not feel like a job, you see
it should be lovers, who walk life together
and no matter how bumpy, the road may get
true lovers, will make it forever.

I wish that I could find the words
to fully express my love for you
but the truth is, there are not enough
and words, just will not do
I wish that I could take the pain
that surrounds your broken heart
so you could feel my love for you
and welcome a brand new start
I wish that you would give me the tools
to break down all your walls
and trust that I would catch you
and that I would never let you fall
I wish that I could make you see
just how beautiful, you truly are
cause maybe then, you’d understand
how you’ve completely stolen my heart
I wish that when I reach for you
you could feel my love is real
cause maybe then, you’d accept my love
and not be afraid to feel
But more than anything, my love
my biggest wish for you
is that one day, you will embrace my love
and maybe, love me too.

Sitting there all by yourself
With too much time to think
Emotions pouring over you
That make you want to drink
Drown out all these feelings now
Then pay for it tomorrow
Wondering just how much you'll need
To drown out all this sorrow
I'll just have a beer or 2
Enough to ease my mind
There's nothing wrong with a couple drinks
To help someone unwind
Until that beer, turns into 10
And you don't know, where you are
Then you think, you're invincible
And you climb into your car
You think that, you're doing great
But you're all over the road
And as, you're being hauled off to jail
You'll wish you weren't so bold
Cause when you wake up, behind those bars
And find out, just what you did
You'll realize, all those drinks you had
Took the life, of someones kid
And all the sorrow, and guilt you feel
Won't change, what you have done
Your selfishness, became a bullet
And alcohol, the gun
Now your life, is ruined forever
And you'll have, plenty of time to think
What if I, just talked to someone
Instead of deciding, to drink?

I have to be a good girl
and take my pills, like the doctor said
cause there is just no telling
what would happen inside my head
if I were to miss a dose or two
of the ones that make me smile
the ones that make me talk and laugh
and seem normal for a little while
what if I skipped the blue today
would it fill my head with sorrow
and what if I skipped the orange for once
would I wake up here tomorrow
what if I spilled the white ones out
and threw away the bottle
would I lose my mind for good this time
or dive in deeper like Aristotle
what would truly happen to me
if the happy pills, were gone for good
would I try to off myself
and would I stop it if I could?

You scars make you more beautiful
they’re part of who you are
they show the battles you have fought
and still, you’ve come this far
Your scars make you much stronger
than you ever thought you were
they show the pain, that you’ve been through
and how much you can endure
Your scars make you resilient
despite what others may say
they show that you’ll keep fighting
despite the fears, that you have faced
Your scars make you more honest
the truth has nowhere to hide
they show your heart upon your sleeve
so wear your scars with pride
Your scars make you a testament
to the wars that you have won
and despite how many times you fall
they show the world, that you’re not done
Your scars make you a warrior
they show that you’re courageous
they show a desire, to keep on punching
and a will, that is contagious
Your scars make you more beautiful
despite what you think the world sees
you never have to run and hide
your scars are beautiful to me.

I wish, I knew all the words
to take your pain away
but the truth is that, there are no words
it doesn’t work that way
I cannot wave a magic wand
to make anyone feel better
but I can be a friend to you
and we can fight the pain together
pain is what we have to feel
to help us heal inside
and strength is what we gather
from the many tears we cry
and when the tears have all dried up
and all the pain subsides
we learn that pain is a tool we need
to help us all survive
without pain and suffering
our lives would have no purpose
it’s all the trials and tribulations
that make living life so worth it.

We are all just strangers here
just trying to survive
trying to find the safest place
where we don’t have to hide
trying to find that happy place
where everything isn’t wrong
a place where we’re accepted
a place where we belong
a place where we can be ourselves
and we won’t be attacked
a place where we can feel the love
and have each other’s back
we just want to speak our minds
without the ridicule
we just want to be, who we really are
and know that it’s beautiful
we want a place to show our hearts
are full of love and grace
a place that’s kind and generous
that’s not filled with anger and hate
we want to feel that our differences
are what makes us special and true
cause there’s nothing more beautiful and amazing
than what’s inside, each and everyone of you.

I have never felt the way
this love has made me feel
God has sent an angel to me
and I pray nightly, that you are real
You’ve swept me, completely off my feet
and stolen my heart away
There’s nowhere else, in the world my dear
that I would rather stay
than in this world of happiness
that love has created for me
A world where I can laugh and smile
in which, only you hold the key
A simple touch, from you my dear
can set my heart ablaze
and the love I feel, when I look in your eyes
can keep me high for days
I never believed I’d find a love
to turn my grey skies blue
but now I have, and I thank you dear
because I owe it all to you
You have shown me the power and beauty of love
and I want the whole world to know
that I want to spend the rest of my life with you
and I’m never gonna let you go.

Alone in the dark, on a cold winters night
locked in a room, without any light
trembling and afraid, she remains on the floor
praying for someone, to open the door
she’s waited so long, and suffered much worse
just another victim, who fell prey to the curse
a spell in which, she is left forever ******
for reasons she can’t even, begin to understand
sleepless nights and endless days, she did spend
talking to the wall, that became her only friend
gripping her blanket, with her eyes shut tight
as the wall grew stronger, she began to sleep at night
no longer afraid, she regained her composure
all she’s seething now, is a feeling of closure
many attempted, to open the door
to expose her thoughts, and sometimes even more
we know now, she did not leave alone
she brought with her the wall, and, “my, how it has grown”
it is no longer a problem, for her emotions to hide
because there is no key, that will let you slip inside
in this world, she has one truly, trustworthy friend
it is the wall that vowed to stay with her, until the very end.

THIS IS ME

I think too much, it hurts my brain
My head is full of doubts
I try to cover up my pain
But I can't block it out
I've built these walls, around myself
To mask the pain inside
I hide my feelings, on these shelves
And run in there, to hide
My OCD controls me
I'm as stubborn, as they come
I write when I feel lonely
I make mixed tapes, just for fun
I smoke too many cigarettes
I refuse to love myself
My mind is dark, and a bit complex
But I'm not like anyone else
I'm a single mom, to amazing kids
Who are wrapped around my soul
There's nothing, that I wouldn't, do or give
To make sure, they reach their goals
I desperately, need perfection
In every aspect, of my life
I struggle with affection
I don't, sleep much at night
I've witnessed my boyfriend, die on me
I've cursed at the hand I was dealt
The cancer, just took him so suddenly
But I have always, just blamed myself
I'd rather sit alone and cry
Than show the world my tears
I sometimes wish, that I would die
Than face my deepest fears
Some say, I'm unapproachable
My sarcasm, is too much
It's left me feeling vulnerable
Afraid of not being loved
I can be a clown, sometimes
And other times, I'm a mess
Some people, can read between the lines
And know, that I'm depressed
I don't wear make up, or girly clothes
I feel fat, and insecure
I've been to places, no one knows
I have diseases, with no cure
I did drugs, and drank too much
There's wounds I cannot mend
I hurt some people, that I love
My life, I tried to end
I love the calm, before the storm
I love to watch the rain
My hearts been shattered apart before
But I've endured the pain
I wear a hat with everything
My style is out of sync
When I'm inside my car I sing
And I don't care what you think
Music, means the world to me
It can inspire me to write
The lyrics, seem to set me free
Some have, even saved my life
I grew up in a dangerous place
So bad, we had to leave
I've been the victim, of race filled hate
That left me on my knees
I've never owned a fancy car
Or had money, like my friends
But even though my life is scarred
On me, they can depend
I've suffered through, all kinds of abuse
******, physical, and mental
I'm sure, that this has changed my views
And made me less than gentle
I don't like people who lie to me
They don't get my respect
I see the things that no one sees
And to some, that is a threat
People who don't like animals
To me, are maladjusted
My views, may be too radical
But to me, they can't be trusted
I have a sailors attitude
My focus is intense
I have issues, that I'm working through
And sins that I repent
I love to watch good comedies
I'm hopelessly romantic
But no one sees that side of me
Which leaves me disenchanted
I'd take a bullet for my friends
My loyalty can't be shaken
I'd fight for them, until the end
Of this, I'm not mistaken
You can choose to walk away
Or come along for the ride
And if you make the choice to stay
I'll aways be by your side.
I don't have looks to be desired
I'm crazy, and full of regrets
But for family and friends, I'd walk through fire
This is me, this is what you get.

Sometime I sit here all alone
just wondering what went wrong
how did I end up in this mess
and when will I move on
When will I say, I’ve had enough
and bury you in my past
take the memories, we shared with each other
and throw them in the trash
You did it to me, so easily
so why can’t I do the same
I guess, that you meant more to me
and now, it’s driving me insane
I want to shut the door on you
and never turn around
but everything, reminds me of you
and I spiral, right back down
perhaps, you stole a piece of me
and that’s what has me stuck
I wish I could look you, in the eyes
and tell you, “I don’t give a ****!”
but you and I both know, that isn’t true
cause I just can’t lie to myself
I hope you’re sleeping well at night
while I sit here, trapped in Hell!

I could say, a million nice words
and you’d find a way, to twist them
you just can’t seem to live your life
unless you’re playing the victim
you’re always saying, that things are your fault
so your friends, will tell you they’re not
you feed off the energy, we use to convince you
as part of your manipulation plot
you try so hard, to cause a storm
in the sunniest, of weather
which is why, the relationships that you form
will never last forever
you drive the people, that love you away
for a purpose, you’d never mention
a sickening method, you choose to use
in your desire, for more attention
but take a good look, around you now
at the relationships, you have left
would anyone there, take a bullet for you
from the ones, that you have kept
when the dust settles and the smoke is clear
take a look at who’s still standing there
the irony will be, they’re just like you
and not a single one of them cares
there’s not a single person, within that room
that will serve, your evil purpose
they’re just as sick and twisted as you
and when you really need them, they’re worthless.

Many have struggled
to reach deep inside
to solve the great puzzle
of the secrets I hide
the lies and deceit
I suffered in my youth
the pain of defeat
and the years of abuse
the terrifying prays for help
that echo in my head
the overwhelming fear I felt
and the wanting to be dead
the many heads that turned away
and left me here to bleed
not listening to a word I say
in my greatest time of need
a life that’s filled with emptiness
has wasted all my time
and now I live each day depressed
in search of what was mine
the years of sleeping in a car
and being on my own
have plagued me with these mental scars
to deal with all alone
the years of being pushed around
have yet to finally end
the world still kicks me when I’m down
and I thought it was my friend
it’s easier to bottle up my pain
and pretend it isn’t there
but sooner or later I’ll go insane
and maybe then you’ll care
the trust and love is gone you see
and it’s not coming back
I’ll keep this wall inside of me
and that’s a simple fact
you’ll never know just who I am
or what I’m all about
cause I’m sticking to my master plan
to never let it out.

Sometimes I'm scared to walk outside
Cause the world has gone insane
It seems we need a miracle
To save us from this pain
Tragedy is all I see
When I turn on the news
The politicians and media
Are plotting their next ruse
Why can't we all, just use our minds
And think all by ourselves
Instead of buying the stories
That the media, is trying to sell
The media, is selling hate
And we're all buying in
The world is on a dinner plate
And their feeding off our sins
Their using social platforms now
To fully extend their arms
Knowing that will fuel the fire
And cause us further harm
Honesty is dead and gone
The world has lost its heart
We need to come together now
Before the world, just falls apart
Rallies filled with picket signs
Aren't working anymore
Cause everyone's, completely forgotten
Just what we're fighting for
We need to put down all the signs
And throw our weapons down
And remember that peace, is the safest way
To find some common ground
Hate has caused a million problems
But never solved, a single one
Its escalated, to the point
Where we're turning, on everyone
Our leaders need to do the job
We elected them to do
They need to find, a peaceful way
To help us make it through
They need to put, agendas aside
Forget the left and right
Cause if they don't, I just don't see
A resolution in sight
They can't make this, about politics
Our problems are bigger than that
Their agendas, have turned us against each other
And that's a simple fact
So, set aside your differences
And set aside your greed
And fix this mess, that you have made
That's what, our country needs
Quit with all the personal attacks
On one another's lives
You can play, your political games
On some else's time
It's time for you, to join forces now
And put your heads together
You made this mess, now clean it up
It's time to make this better
There's one thing, that I know for sure
And that's, hate is bred from hate
And it's clear to see, that this is what
Has brought us to this state
You should be ashamed
Of all, the chaos, you've allowed
You haven't done, a single thing
To make this country, proud
So shut your mouths, and get to work
The country, is depending on you
It's time for you, to do the job
We hired you to do.