not a lot

Only a trinket carved from diamonds
alongside a pristine enchanted mirror

Only a golden car
that, be it night or day, shines forever

Only a loving family
with a beautiful wife
and two cheery kids

Only a mansion
that could fit a plane in it,
with five floors,
five bedrooms, and five pools

Only a pretty face
with a not-so-pretty mind

Only a debaucherous heart
which could never find the right one

Only a sinful soul
unable to pursue happiness

Only an abusive mind
one that's never content with me

I have
not a lot.

In a world of green,
Of white, of blue, of dream
There lies a young white girl
With young white thoughts

Realization of her world
Such simplistic pleasures
With yellow thoughts,
and simplistic measures

A little too innocent
A little too pale
Well delicate in thoughts
Silk woven like a delicate sail

Her thoughts swayed
Her thoughts swollen
Some selfish,
Some lovely,and some sullen

In a world
Of colorless visions
Her bright mind
And dreams, lie pretty

Abused in simplicity,
Artless and mawkish
The world sways her thoughts
In manners mistaught

In a world of green,
Of white, of blue, of dream
There lies a young artless girl
With young artless thoughts

The world dims her thoughts
Her pretty yellow,
Young and mellow
Compassion filled thoughts

Her bright red heart is stolen by one,
And then another,
and another,
Yet her thoughts remain to speak of yellow

Thoughts of blue,
of green, start to fill
A void in her life unfulfilled
Yet her pretty yellow thoughts persist

Pleasant in her mannerisms,
Simplistic in her artlessness,
A world of green, of blue,
of darkness, fills her innocence

Smile she tries,
Cry she pries
Her pretty yellow,
Yellow artlessness, fades

Hurt, she wallows
Beneath the swallows
Soon the darkness rises around
And her thoughts grow dimmer

Within hours, in sight is a farmer
Whose words reflect the waters of the world
In finality he speaks, with no sorrow
"The pretty yellow lights seem have no morrow!"

In a world of green,
Of white, of blue, of dream
There lies a young headless girl
With young headless thoughts

I'm alright
A little tipped by
bad relations, bad expressions
But perhaps I will behave
and pertain to the world's demands

I'm just a human
with my wall of thought
of perception, of ego
A little buzz
in a sphere of buzzes
My thoughts, my prejudices
a meaningless whim
of part anger, part soul
To be free
is it not human necessity?

Ah, I incessantly thought
about mistakes, grievances
of the past, of haught
I forgot the written words
of the rulers of kingdoms forgotten
of the mighty greats that were finally broken
for all I have is an urge
To break through this wall
and perhaps be a bigger me
endlessly

no one smiles
it's always a lie

I once tried to smile
wished my own demise
proceeded to not die
hah, a meaningless prize
lonely whispers I sighed
at night, the wistful rise
amongst the many, only one tries
to pry open my darkened eyes

stay shut, with diminishing strength I say,
as it is only time I hopelessly wile away
Unfortunately, just like these words that I lay,
my life
is just a haze

it was all just a lie
people told me that I'd reach the end
but I don't see anything
My family told me that I was going to reach the heights
but the only place I've reached
is a dull and grey street

I wanted to achieve something magnificent
but I ended up achieving pitter-patter
evocating my pronounced self-loathing
for what is, and what isn't
I wanted to feel pure
reach the tip of the world
and be the 'chosen one'

Yet here I lie
with a stupid self-loathing mind
the only tip being that of the rich man's kind
I wanted to reach my heights
and be the best I could possibly be
make the world proud of me
yet the only words I hear
are that of higher society's -
"What a laughable failure. Never to achieve,
never to reach, simply a wasted opportunity."

My head bobs in a twisted manner
my face full of exuberant despondence
I tried to reach, I tried to be free
unfortunately, the only thing I reach for now
are the alms of a kind man's heart
on this cold and lonely street

look! :-)
i once tried to wear that smile
to reach the top of a tsunami
but then the bubbles all burst
and i paddled my way into the sea
i hoped my presence would excite a reaction
but the sharks and whales drifted off
and the kelp could only flail
so i sank down to the porous bed
and embraced its grainy mane
the bubbles stopped bursting
the sea pierced through
with the warm bed beneath
i saw a smile floating above me

I don't mean it like that!

wait, what do I mean?
I don't know
I try to mean something
but end up sitting in a dark room
walled up in my personal prison

kinda hurts
people judge all the time
they're just masks that smile and smile
it humors me when people tell me to smile
nobody smiles
nobody laughs

I have a reflection called the ego
to soothe it, I sit down in my favorite seat called society
and speak in an empty voice
but for some reason
the people just keep smiling
Nobody judges
but everybody does
and it hurts
a lot

I speak in whims,
you hear a glimpse
of sanity, pain, or grief
Yet there is no understanding.
Chitter-chatter, pitter-patter
I hear the world breathe
In verse, it reads
"Oh the tranquility of nature!
Beautiful, and peaceful"
The children near me rattle
They hiss without pith
I dreamt of bliss one night
Only to be interrupted
by a neighbour's fight!
But the world, so vast, so beautiful
issued me a degree in the art of breathing
and so I had learnt to articulate my voice
Thoroughly in this peaceful noise I spoke
Oh, the heavens simply broke!
I was the star of my world
and in that blissful remembrance
broke the painful encumbrance
That I was just another
in this bustling city

"Am I ready?", I asked myself
A person in insolence
wondering about the world
unaware of the paths
that led to the darkest of hearts

I wasn't sure
I didn't know whether to think freely
or to be past the dream

I wanted to live with smiles
feeling glee, full of heart
but the warmth would not reach
the part I could not feel
I looked past the grass fields
To realize that there was nothing there
Nothing to be seen
And so I laughed
Cried with painful heart
And forgot the world
to the dark

Warmth is all I feel
Beads trickling down
Emptiness soothes my wheel
Emotions drive me to drown

Animalistic are my tendencies
Helpless is my soulless
The darkness empathises
Arcless in my dream

Your warmth digs deeper
Beloved are your thoughts
Wistful of your reaper
Lackluster in haughts

Crystalline
Pristine
My thoughts endear
The lust of your wish
Blessed in holy blasphemous life

They trickle down my soul
And take me whole
I wish for you
Dear one

A smile
that was clean
lustrous, and desired

No one thought
that change
would hit upon

One's ire
It hurts
The pain she wallows
There is no understanding

Lossless hallow
Peaceful burden
Depth of depression

It seems artificial
So naive
And unforbidden
The hatred that conspired
It is not of haught

I have lost
A painless thought
Expiating a tale
of a woman
whose gale
I couldn't expiate.

A dark little portal
Arisen from the dark
In a trance of darkness
A single part

An emptiness inside me
A depth of mysticism
A bout of planes
The world transcends in vain

You feel so lost
There is no one left
Just an empty space
In a world of no place
Tried to breathe from the rebirth
But no one feels the world
So many colours
So much freedom
Emptier spaces
Emptier soul

To be free
From doom, dark descending
To be free
From all the world
and all the anomalies
Candles waver
Candles die
But I wish not to bid
To bid goodbye
The world is free
The world is empty
But without a peace
A peace of mind
Society calls
Like a hound on the bogs
Of a pretty green meadow
Pouncing on the sheep
Murdered in cold blood
This emptiness
It seeks to be
Something I could not see

The sparrows will chirp at dawn,
the clouds will shrivel and fall,
Chippy the Plant will grow tall,
and you will be there to see it all.

Thoughts that darken,
winters so sullen.
In an empty blizzard,
there lay a lizard

Wrought and tainted,
pitiful and dainted,
in his apathy ignited an empathy.
Full of life,
full of necessity

The lizard with his pointed tail,
pointed neck, pointed nose
pointed thoughts, pointed prose,
was lost with a snow covered heart

This heart burnt blue,
his emotions ensued,
passion he seeked,
his fortune naught,
in endless oblivion,
he mindlessly fought.

The lizard lay so empty
Stopped he did his walk,
for a talk

Thoughts that conspired
Dark and unintelligible
Wistful of loss
An escape
was all he sought

The lizard thought to move,
but this blizzard simply grew
his snow covered heart
with endless haught.
He simply did not align his intent
with what he thought

In finality he tried,
fearful of his demise
But try as he might,
the shallow reaches
of his snow-covered heart
did not blaze this simple desire.
And so he lay,
weeping in dismay.

In this very finality,
he lost to what life
was simply not
In endless wallows
Sirens roared
Apathetic triumph
Blissful want
In this snow-covered desert
His movement stopped.

I blinked and saw
a cloud pass by
the breeze gently swept over me
darkness eased my feet
little lonely bird sat upon the tree
trying to seek serenity
breathing gently

I simply sought
whatever opportunity
the help of anybody
why do I still stand
on my bare feet
why am I so miserable
trying not to breathe

i don't want to strive
for freedom

i just want to fly
without trying
wistful whispers
tell me otherwise
but why would I listen
it's not my reality
now let me be free
please

i don't deserve this
this painful wound
i can't heal
just help me
save me
free me
please.

Bite me
The pain recedes
Lie in peace
Miserly depth

Lost in a worldless world
Moving towards nowhere
Meaningless are my strides
I tried to hide

Explosions, of flavours
Explosions, of thoughts
Emptied out until the pain
Fell down

Finding meaning
In lost people
Loneliness betrays me
Betrays reality

Walking on this path
Whistles ring around me
The snow, white is all I see
It'll be over soon

I bid goodbye
To my fellow comrades
Hopelessly in bliss
Greetings.

when i see the mirror
two dots connect the light
and the erring in my thoughts
the reflection so false
i look at the mirror
to see myself
nothing else
seems so blue
in an ashen sky
winter never seized to play with my mind
the mirror doesn't translate
but to tear myself apart
ah, ludicrous and meretricious
why won't the mirror sway
change into a chipper play
nothing seems to change
when i stare at the mirror

Oh, here it comes, once more
I breathe, or so I told
But the reality of this pain
The scrutiny in vain
It seeks out of me
A depth of heart
A depth of soul
Something so cold
Something so droned

I wish to recognize
This heinous criminal
That sits inside me
Waiting for my every move
Twisting the thoughts
Twisting the emotions
Writhing in pain
Wiltering a soul

I said I'd be free
I said I would not be
An escapade
A scapegoat
The reasons are not on me
I blame it
I blame you
For not being who you could be
What you don't see
In pain, and misery
Is so the way it soothes
A knife that twists
Decides to choose
Which reality you warped into

And you try to play it
With a depth of poise
But no one waits
For your shadowy doom
You try to breathe
But it seems so
Devastatingly slow
The thoughts of pain
Of misery
I wish to be free
From endless misery
From endless pain
But I don't know why
It feels so in vain
I try to speak to it
But it chops on my thoughts
On my soul it plays
And takes me whole
No one understands
This pain I ward

But I suppose
No one really knows

And so he sat
Gracefully sat
On an old cupboard
Grieving his past
Wistful in wallow
He repented for sins
He did not commit

His ego didn't compromise
Lying bare in bone
Naked to the societal world
Prepared for his demise

A Mistake, alas he had made
One that no one forgave
He weeped and weeped and sowed the seeds
Did not think to breathe
Sulking and sullen, crushed by thoughts
Bitter till the end

One mistake, he said,
Could not impact his grace
He could not live his life
In anxiety and self-loathing

A simple mistake
An endless mistake
Laughter he could hear
From the surroundings, clear
Begged he did for mercy
The almighty saw no urgency
What fool had he been?

Embarrassment from within
Despondently in his whims
His thoughts slowed
and slowly he walked towards a hill

Laughter, laughter,
All around
Tears he suffered
His thoughts not allowed
The peak he finally reached
Silence guided him through
Free from the world
Free from the pain
Finally, a real escape.

every book
every bird
every poem
every word
another breath
another sigh
a group of people
that possess one mind

this is where i exist
where i wish i didn't
not because i don't feel good
but because i have to feel good

a place for everyone
as long as the mouths stay shut

every morose lyric
every burdening death
every heartbreaking picture
all just pirouettes

letter by letter
verse by verse
a message that's built
a message that has to possess worth

but can i think?
can i fly?
or is this breath of fresh air
just another cry?

why don't we just agree
to sit still
to each his own whim

after all
my diagonal emphasis
of human's beliefs
i chose this path
to achieve a lot
but when the bullets ****
when the bombs drop
do i sense the agony?
have i achieved but naught?
i delved into this arduous voyage
humanity was my aim
and yet here i am
still the same.

the winds fly away
the clouds are at bay
the laptop blinks white
the sun is upright

yet, i am reminded
of that faraway land
where everything stands so still
and the world is so light
but it's gone.

i stroke the letters
find a rhythm
the day is so young
but it's gone.

the stars light up my swollen eyes
the rain eases me into conversation
i finally lose touch
and it's gone.

it seems i can't move
but perhaps that's alright
i will soon see faces,
brimming restaurants, and pretty laces

the faraway sights
the starry nights
they're gone
but i'm still here

vibrant streaks of light greet me
as i ready myself for a delectable meal
and devour all the hysterics on morning TV

but if i were to be honest
nothing quite satiates my appetite
like being able to stare down the window
amusing myself
at the sight of the miserable people
who just keep grumbling on and on
about the jobs they're trying to keep
and the families they're trying to feed
truly, it gives me a satisfaction like no other

..until, of course, the shadows creep in
and the miserable people amuse themselves
at the sight of a person
living inside a building tagged 'Insane Asylum'

it's unfortunate
that you now have to fade away, silly frown
but just remember
                                                       "what were you thinking?!"
that when i reached
                                       "how could you do that?!"
for the daunting knife
             "what's wrong with you?!"
it was you who embraced me
"s-stop!"
and ended your own life.

an onerous night
a reflection on a lonely lake
a man of veritable might
no, away wisdom could not rake
the quivering of this timid man's torchlight

dread wilted his plains of thought
as he nostalgically visited his downtrodden home
and reproached himself, saying, "agh! another day"

he'd remember, he then wistfully reaffirmed
he'd remember to forget that day

what a day that was
when he lost his former self
emotions barred his very thoughts
his very being, his very wants

that day, when the fires roared
and even the plague maidens were stricken with fear
that day, when the pain engulfed remnants
of his boisterous love, of those whom he held dear

that day would soon be followed by a day
where even the neighbors' children would philosophize
after all, who could blame them?
the man's house was now verily a despondent sight
filled with screams that slaughtered all visions of hope
and knife wounds that barely repressed the debaucherous owner's light

time passed

a group of children found a lonely lake
at the bottom of which lay
the remnants of a despondent man
forgotten, and now, forever on display

i reached for the golden cup
the sparkling wine rinsed my throat
but i still could not find a reason
of course
there is good
and there is bad
i find, however, that
the funny memes
the pretty marriages
the jarringly melancholic pieces
just aren't
i tell myself
that every reason must have a reason
however, all i see is a breathe of possibility
once warm, once cold
now, simply lost in a definitive ocean

i walked past a lonely lake
atop which sat two ducks,
one green, one brown

as i approached the lake
the two ducks drew close
and simply lay still
ah yes, i so viscerally remember
my feelings of amusement
seeing these motionless birds
in their idyllic state
leaking shards of philosophical grace

i then heard a scream
and saw a happy couple pacing by
with generous smiles
the man harboring dark eyes,
bruised lips and a stuttering stride

all i could think about
was how they wouldn't stop moving