My hand is still locked in yours
My lips still hold fast to what I long adored
I rise each day and feel only cold and longing
Wishing our acropolis hadn’t washed away with the rain
Hoping your hand will find its way to my chest once again

You loved the greeks and I was your god
I was cast in bronze,  you cast in marble
We both stand in the shadow of a city far and cold
But you rise two hours late and things are so different
And I miss our warm silent town and waking at the same time

And I ache to know that your form is not mine
That there wasn’t enough time in the world for us
That I cannot drink away your body with mine
And I miss knowing that the same stars shone over you and I
Whether or not we lay underneath them together

And these dark thoughts haven't left since the cold morning,
The night before I had once again tasted loneliness and his bitter sting,
And the empty dance of sweat and liquor,
The bodies lost in the night's embrace.

I have feared for my life too many times before,
A will to strike my own heart and and leave it bleeding,
I have walked this line again and again,
A mistake made three too many times.

The mistake of thinking anyone could want me,
To strip my soul of all that feels whole for a shot at empty passions,
The choice to throw myself, to be swept away in impossibility,
To believe for one second, that I could be desired.

But I am cracked, never whole, this sick soul lingers,
And I ache for the possibility that to be touched would heal my pain,
But that is no reality, and I know it is surely not mine,
And maybe I just want to feel empty.

If it means not waking up again on that cold morning.

He said you should write a poem to fix our fading spark,
He tries really hard, I can see his mark.

The green grass of our youth, so bright my flawless friend,
Opulence and paradise and heartbreak till the end.
But oh dear darling, summer's heat is gone,
And I have loved every second with you and Lana on the lawn.

Two minorities, understanding discrimination,
And a singular taste in music, no need to change the station.

But the ghost comes around to haunt,
And I have a bleeding heart to flaunt.
And I can't help that I'm a mess,
I am so sorry to have caused you so much stress,
Did I tell you how beautiful you are in that dress?

He really does love you, I can see it in your touch,
Why, oh why does seeing him hurt you and me so much?

No longer are we the lonely hearted lovers,
You have a body to hold under the covers.
But still aching for love I am just a foolish boy,
Still waking up lonely I am smashing my soul and busy being his toy.

Please still love me when I do far from what's best,
I know you love me I am so sorry for this test.

The ghost fills your heart,
My ghosts haunt my art.
And I am sorry I am fighting,
So sorry these teeth are biting,
But I promise you despite it all, I won't forget to tell you how lovely you are in this new lighting.

A shot and some salt as the ball drops.
I can't believe it all happened.
And I can't believe that I was on the verge of tears.
This heartbeat never stops.

I drank the fire, I breathed in the smoke.
But I didn't breathe in you, and that is what made me choke.

So many people caught up in connecting,
Yet I felt so distant, caught up in recollecting.

My life is not the one that I knew two years ago,
My soul is altogether different, no longer white like snow.

But I was never pure, I have been ****** from the beginning,
I am still thinking about last night,
I am so scared that I still want you,
My world may still be spinning.

To forget is a beautiful thing,
This delicate intoxication is a new way to sing.

But no matter what I couldn't forget that I wasn't close to you,
All the fire couldn't burn away the knowing that "Us" is no longer true.

I just want to be ok with whatever this is,
I just want to be close without having to be his.

I wanted to forget and maybe our feelings could be enough,
But nothing happened last night and I just got drunk.

Fires, flames
Dancing pain,
Flames, fires
They are only liars.

I want to scream,
And I want to be with you,

I want to be.
With.
You.

Whatever that is, I want to be by your side.
I want to feel the flame and forget that I lied.

I cannot think about anything else,
That isn't such a great thing, but with you my heart melts.

All I want is to be happy. Simple as that,
If only they didn't stand in the way of us,
You are the only one I can look at.

Yes, I am rushing these things,
Yes, we just need time.
But right now, my only wish is that I was right by your side.

I want to walk through the dark with you,
I want to talk through this flame with you,

Walk with me again my friend,
No matter what, we can be here till the end.

This poem has no structure, I don't know where it is going,
Just like our hearts, seem like they are always flowing.

Flowing and twisting like a burning river,
Blasting and surging, this flame makes me shiver.

Oh god, I don't even care what we are,
We can be nothing, something or  somewhere in-between,
Just so long as you don't go too far.

I want to feel the flame I feel when you are around,
Want to know what it is like to feel loved and found.

Five days on, two days off,
Those two days make her scoff.

But I don't like even two days away from you.
Feeding the flame is all that I can do.

Fires, flames
Pleading pains,
Flames, fires,
Fickle as desires.

And I don't want to think,
But in four weeks all this will fall away.
And I don't want to blink,
And miss all these days as they fly past my eyes.

My heart will not break,
As I leave this small and hollow place.
My entire life I have felt this ache,
I only hope it fades as I walk out my door.

I hope the fog clouds my troubled mind,
That he and I can walk the city whole.
I do not know exactly what I hope to find,
But I know I will never get it here.

In four weeks I will depart,
This waisted place that broke my soul.
I will use it all to create my art,
In an ocean city bright like gold.

It’s either very late or very early,
But still as the still  moon rises I see my loneliness clearly.

Glitter and gall aren't all that they seem,
Cords are cut in love’s bright gleam.

So drink, drink, drink again,
There’s still another shot to be had,
Another love to be buried here my friend.

So breathe in, breathe some more,
Breathe in the toxin you love,
Breathe me in, oh how I do adore.

Glitter and gall, to roll the ball,
On the night it fell, I swore I had seen it all.

The neon light is her radiant drug,
A touch given lightly yet so hard to shrug.

Storm clouds gather, so drink and drink some more,
An explosion is coming so close all my doors.

Keep me safe from the ones I love,
Keep me hidden and white as a dove.

Glitter and gall,
Just dance with me into this white noise,
Flicker and fall,
In the final hour can we lose this fragile poise?

I am so happy you are happy, but why can't I be too?
Why does my mind ache at the very thought of you?

Why does my love weigh down on my chest like a stone?
Oh why does every little word you say cut me to the bone?

The future is a terrifying thing, so bound up in mystery,
But this moment is what feels real and I am haunted by our history.

Oh please be happy, my love I wouldn't have it any other way.
But please tell me you will touch me again in the light of day.

I look to the screen for proof of what I know,
Alone in our rooms we say what we can't face to face even though,

I know you love me, you know I love you too.
I just want to be happy, in this moment, here with you.

There is a dark I cannot fill,
There is an empty space, small but noticeable still.

A city at midnight, a body to hold,
Of these I dream but my mind is cold.

Have I lost myself once again?
Please, please help me darling,
One, two or three, I am in need of a friend.

He's the first person I tell,
But you are the first one I wanted,
And he is the one I don't know about,
These neon lights flash but I still feel haunted.

There is a light that blinds my eyes,
A truth washed free under these grey skies.

A body close, heat between?
A fantasy snatched from a waking dream.

Maybe I am lost, maybe I am reborn,
I feel my mind is finally free,
But freedom's cost is my own self scorn.

Beaten and blinded, now fill my ribs,
This is strange and bizarre, my body flaunted,
These are the ones that set me on fire,
Body, heart and mind, still to this day, all are haunted.

And the applause rings loud for your self hatred,
The audience cheers for your crippling hate.

As long as you’re funny you can’t be lonely,
If you keep up the show you can deter your fate.

Ignorance in youth, fallen from grace,
12 years at a petty game young souls and a hidden face.

Your heart breaks as the world watches,
And it makes for the most gripping show when it is up on a stage.

With everyone watching how can it be real?
With everyone looking so close they don’t see the cage.

I deserve to breathe, I deserve to live,
But their calloused minds have nothing left to give.

"We have every right to fight for you"

Don't I have the right to fight for me too?

What you call a shield, feels like a sword.
What you think is best for me slices at this cord.
A cord now cut between you and I,
A silence that thickens the air inside.

I deserve to breathe, I deserve to live,
But they don't see all I have to give.

I am fighting a war that can't be won,
Time will set me free, on the run.
And all I want is to make them rage,
I scream for the freedom outside the cage.

I cannot breathe, stuck inside this cell,
My heart is breaking inside this shell.
You cut me off, you cut my soul,
You blocked the door to that which makes me whole.

I can't do this.
My locked up lungs have never breathed in bliss.

I hate this feeling that all is ending,
This waking fear that my heart is finally breaking.
A snap and a crack as the work breaks,
A scream and a tear as my ache blazes.
          I am moving in shallow phases.
                    The moon above is casting these mazes.

I reel in fear that your touch is gone,
I ***** these words always laced with love.
A moment of fear before everything changes,
A rend in my soul as my body cries.
          A year and fifteen more filled with these lies.
                    My eyes are blown wide in the light from your skies.

You are far away, so far away,
As my eyes bleed gold I have to play every scale.
I could stay on that field of stars forever with you,
Under the smoke my voice will still shake.
          Forever and ever my soul will ache.
                    I am so afraid that even with this distance my love will not break.

I stared long and hard at the clouds,
And the longer I stared the more I convinced myself to think,
That they were great hills , now mountains,
Rising into the twilight sky.

It seemed for a moment that I was rushing through a valley,
Deep and long,
It seemed for a moment that life was beautiful,
And all my pain melted into the phantom ridge - line above me.

But the illusion dissolved as the road lights flashed,
And the clouds broke and I was reminded,
That nothing watched over me,
No great height stretched out its hand to cover my soul in shadow,
Or to hide my face from the night.

Maybe one day I will look at the darkling sky and feel at peace,
But now the night and the mountainous clouds only remind me,
Of being alone and uncovered.

The moon rises and I feel all the nights of my past rush in,
All the hurt and the crying,
All the hate and the lying.

All the tragic discord of my youth,
Streaked along the sky.
There is no mountain that watches over my soul tonight,
Nothing between my eyes and the dark.

These memories taste bitter like ash,
They burn my throat like the smoke we breathed in on your back porch last Friday.
The trees swept out over the brilliant mountain and I realized that remembering is a stupid decision,
Memory burns my throat and it doesn’t feel good to remember.

It doesn't feel good to remember my father's disappointment,
Or my mother’s sorrow that her boy didn't grow up to be enough of a man for her liking.
It doesn’t feel good to remember crying quietly on a late Saturday morning,  
Or wanting to take my own life on a warm Sunday night.

Summer springs into my life just as a sore throat surprises you one morning
And you know you are getting sick,
The heat of the day and the loneliness of the night blur together
And I hold no joy in these months and their lazy solitude.
Yesterday I sat in the blinding sun with you by my side and together we ended an era,
But I still don’t know if I will finally be ok
And all I have is this sickening moment because I can’t remember but I am too afraid to look ahead.

Please promise me you wont forget,
But it may **** me to remember,
I hope one day I will be able to recall and feel at peace,
I don't want to forget this.

The curtain falls, a veil between
Thinly drawn emotions, more than they seem.

Her hair falls to shade a radiant face,
I cannot scream in a hollow place.

He loves me true, he loves me not.
The stage lights up, I want his passion hot.

Or cold?
She fears this is getting old.

In likeness of a failing fight,
Fly then run, walking through a torn night.

"It's normal" I say to the soul in my eyes,
But I cry that night, but everyone cries.

I don't think he does, and so do you,
On top of all this I must watch my own heart too?

It's normal I tell her, but this lie I have loved isn't
I bleed from my heart.
I plead for my art.
Is it normal to crash down, feeling so distant?

This play put on by us in youth,
This show of passions, far from absolute truth.

The vapor pours from their thin lips,
The smoke clears, black gold cascading from her hips.

Is it normal to crawl against the wall?
To bite at the night and scream and call?

Call for his name to pierce the dark,
To open the curtain, to erase the mark.

Her windows, thrown wide, show the same play as me,
And shut they hold all of my fragility.

That night I fought my own skirmish hard,
That night fate dealt you a burning card.

Is it normal? This lavish dance?
These worrying minds in the vast expanse.
It may not be normal. Or maybe, it is...
Maybe our minds are just torn like his.

Pull me out,
Pull me clean.
Drive me around,
You’re the best I have seen.

I can’t do it anymore in this stifling room,
I can’t take their faces anymore, their disapproval and doom.
You’re up at the top picking the ripest fruit,
And you hand some down to me to boot.

You like the way I have so much ambition,
I like the way you have made me your mission.

But what if I told you that all the ambition in the world,
Doesn’t help at all, in the heat of the night when my spine has curled.
You said you wouldn’t be able to sleep at night if I don’t get free,
But I already can’t sleep at night because I can’t be me.

This isn’t just some teenage angst that drives our friends up the wall,
This is my need to be pulled to safety, away from the fall.
We can do this I know, we will get away from here,
One day my heart won’t be filled with this fear.

But right now, dear friend, I just need you to remind me again,
That it will all be ok, that they can’t spell my end.

Pull me up,
Pull me free.
Let me drink from your cup,
Please help me see the life that you see.

Trust me when I say,
That all of this will wash away.
That the drought of this town,
Will be swept away with the lift of the crown.

A crown of thorn, so sacrilegious,
The darkness of you is charming and vicious.
I am swept away with the unbelievers,
The liars, the cheats, the broken deceivers.

But every one of them I love the same,
Because they are the ones who have called my name.
Swept away, oh I am swept away,
Talk me into the dark, kiss me into the day.

White stained black, a surprising mix,
I am not the one they wanted to fix.
I am not the one he wanted to love,
I am not one who is good enough to be above.

Swept away, please sweep me away,
I don’t want to stand in the light of day.
The light of day that burns my eyes,
The colored blue that hides my lies.

I stare into their wandering eyes,
My history there in black and white lies.
Can I go back before this time?
Back when my life was numb and divine.

No mouth to speak, my heart is mute,
This mirror shows what I have learned,
This reflection of the bridges I have burned.
My sickness cut their spirits' root.

My youth propped up, upon a stage,
But freedom lay outside the cage.
The colors surged and blood ran hot,
Can I pay the price to be free of his thought?

Oh lights, oh lights, they blind, they burn,
This hopes' shining vision,
Just a faithless derision,
And my new found freedom still waits its turn.

The mirror shows all this to be true,
A life in the darkness ever fearful of you.
But the mirror cracked as my reflection ignites,
And even without words my electric heart can take flight.

I don't regret the way I breathed in your heart,
Or the way you gently held my hand in the dark.

I don't regret how it felt that morning, glowing with summers heat,
When we met in secret to feel our hearts beat.

That was the last time it felt real, and no I don't regret,
I just hope no matter where we are, that we don't forget.

You told me you wanted to kiss me,
As the river rushed and my flesh was no longer frozen,
My heart skipped and ran as I finally felt chosen.

But our lips never met and I don't regret,
How you told me that evening you were scared and you weren't ready yet.

I know what that meant, and I don't have some false hope,
But I won't regret and I don't have to cope.

You told me that you loved me,
But just as a friend.
Hey darling I understand, we don't have to pretend.

Maybe it wasn't meant to be,
But I loved every moment that I spent with you,
I know how you feel, I was scared out of my mind too.

I don't regret the way we awkwardly flirted,
Or the way it feels foolish looking back, your words bluntly blurted.

Honest and raw was our code of conduct,
I am messy and bleeding, who am I to instruct?

But regret? No, not for a moment.
I only hope that I still mean the world to you,
Just know that you mean the world to me too.

I hope you see yourself in the things that I do,
I hope you see my eyes staring back at you.

Don't think for a moment that I didn't put you there,
Don't think for a moment that I don't care.

Because I do.
I do.
I do.
I do.
Words you never said to me, words she always said to you.

I hope one day you hear my name,
And watch my art scream my pain.
I hope you see my story told,
Finally free, your words getting old.

I have written you down, I have moved you through my feet,
I have sung you out loud, and I have saved you a seat.

So please, come and watch my display,
My performance of grief, I am the author of this play.
This dance, this art that holds your name,
I hope that you see you too, because I do the same.

It has been seven months since I have posted a poem,
Seven months since I have closed a tome.
Signed and sealed, a book collecting dust,
My gilded cage open, now collecting rust.

High School heat gave way to the gentle ocean's wisdom,
My life has taken such a turn, **** no word rhymes with wisdom.
Maybe I no longer have such a need for these words,
When I look back I think maybe poems are for nerds.

Nerds and artists who take themselves too seriously,
And seriously what the **** rhymes with seriously?
But too seriously is not how I have learned to look at me,
I am slowly learning to be ok with being free.

Health and life and joy and passion,
I have opened myself up in a quite painful fashion.
And I must learn to be kind to my past distractions,
I must learn to embrace  how I was divided in fractions.

Fractions that now are becoming whole,
And how beautifully the word whole rhymes with soul.
My soul which no longer desires depressions,
But a soul that is willing to ask these questions.

Love and aching still burst my chest,
The weight of my youth can drown out the rest.
But I have healed and grown in these seven months,
****, I have done it again, nothing rhymes with months.

I got a sore neck from resting my head on your shoulder.
I don't even mind, I would love to be close as the skies get colder.

My eyes are sore from not seeing you,
My heart is light with the joy of knowing this is all true.

I can't write my ******* essay,
I am too busy thinking of how I don't want you to stray.

My mind is sore from thinking about this spark,
My skull rings with this beat as I lay awake in the dark.

Hearing you say these words can be kind of terrifying,
But when you remind me you care, it is the sound of my world clarifying.

I want to be sore, I want to remember,
The way we were close, just fan the spark, don't put out the ember.

If you are giving me space I don't want it.

Grey clouds gather and I can see them reflected in your eyes.
Grey clouds gather as we lay under these skies.

The rain comes down, we run from it all.
The rain comes down, will you catch me if I fall?

I don't want to read too deep,
Into the things you do,
Or the things that I see at night when I sleep.

But it is hard when you practically said that you love me,
It is hard when I don't know what you want this to be.

Am I just wasting time? Waiting for the words to be said.
Or am I just wasting time, is it all in my head?

I am used to you pulling ahead,
We should have kissed long ago,
My soul feels like led.

But maybe it simply feels like a bird,
I am ready to fly,
Ready for my cry to be heard.

I am filled with joy and fear all at the same time
Is this beating heart even mine?

The rain came down, I felt so alive,
The rain came down, I like when we just drive.

I think I finally realize, you are my cup of tea,
Come on friend, come and cut me free.

Come pick my petals and kiss me quick,
Come make my heart explode and make me your pick.

If you fill up my cup, can I fill yours too?
As this rain pours down, tell it can be true.

I run my hand along the traces of him.
I feel the blood rush through my skin.

I grip my shoulder where your head once rested.
I tear at my soul just to feel connected.

I feel the rage I should have felt eleven months ago,
I feel the desire I ought to forgo.

You were the best of all the others,
Their traces remain, but they weren't even lovers.

And neither were we, almost but not quite,
But you were the closest I have been to the shame free light.

I want to be clean of the stain he left,
I want to be clean of the desire I regret.

But as I look at this mark that you left on me,
I am not so sure I want to be free.

I hate that I can't be mad at you
Here's to all the ways I bled for you
I can't stop thinking about you
I can't stop caring about you
I have been crying all week about you
Everyone has been asking me why but I can't say its because of you
I just wish I knew how to be happy with you
I just wish I could be with you
I don't need much from you
I miss the feeling of being wanted by you
The only one I want to talk to is you
My heart screams and storms for you
I wanted to know every part of you
I just want to find a way to still be close to you
In some way that can feel certain to you
Because I can't be mad at you
I hope in some strange way you still love me and I still love you