seem to only be yours
When I’m quiet
When I’m following your non-existent lead
Down into the depths of oblivion.
No doubt you’ll lead me to my death
No doubt the flowers will spring where I wept.
Our causality;
A casualty ripped to the marrow.
Ruining this reality;
So I dissociate,
Since I can’t amputate.

Veiled wounds in the mind
A tired soul cant use honey to catch the flies
Too many attempts, blood flows when she tries
A mirage of water in a desert;
The illusion of calm serenity
Parched and starving on your ideology
I sit wading in the dark, impatiently.
What darkness spills forth now
As the disillusionment wanes
What power in the emptiness
The numb causality of being callously tamed:

A caged animal will bite the hand that bleeds it.

i wanna go to sleep
and never wake up
i want the world to stop,
to halt mid spin
and breathe me into the nothing,
the black abyss that awaits
deaths kiss, and id beg
to be released
to be let go of
break me so i can go home
**** whats left of my sanity
so i can check out
and never come back again.

what I would do
here reminiscing in your shadows.
faint laughs wafting: sweet gestures taunting.
I crave what was
I cave from what is.
call me mentally weak
but I doubt anyone else
would've lasted this long,
cried this hard, held on this strong.

what i could do
with your tone piercing my sanity
I long to be cherished
and seen
not tolerated or screamed
at like a dog.

what I should do
just waiting to spring from my tongue,
boundaries like flowers
I never watered;
sun-dried and half-withered.

Seem to only be myself
When I’m mad
When I wanna fight
When the world is caving in
And I can’t get past the need to scream.
Speaking up, speaking out
Just to be shut down
Never noticed the smile fade
Never batted an eye as the world within wasted away.

perfection is hard when you're not
it bolsters confidence but proves nothing
still average but now everyone can see
im just here running away from me.

aren't I pretty, sometimes refined;
a whole vibe check inclined
with riddles, jokes, and poems on a dime?

there's an evil in my heart
it sings malice
and cries for help bvut no hears
she calls for revenge
and bleeds for the truth to be revealed
there's an evbil in my heart
that i cant let go of
until karma sets you ablaze
until the universe gives you back
all that youve given me.

cease my dance and ask why I don't smile
I've laid down my wants and needs
I've ignored what I know to be true
all so you could have your throne.
drowning in a pool of my self-loathing
and you want to see me splash, perform
all I am melting down to be bite-size for you.
breaking down to my nerves and fibers,
cause you want to see me rip myself to shreds.
you want me in a corner so I won't call for help
isolated from everyone who cares so I won't
tell anyone how I really feel
no space in your arms, I feel heavy in your heart
I've crushed myself like a soda can
no air, no light, no exit art
take this sadness for what it is
wishing I'd only parted from you then
"thus much let me avow"
you killed what good I had left
bruised the happy I should have now
decay replaces the once vibrant green.
poised at the ready to take one for the team.
selfish as it may be, I can't breathe.

who sanctioned these tears?
i might drown.
my body is not strong enough
to carry the weight
i drag myself down.
there's whispers, slight tremors
of what ailed me.
vibration inadequate to challenge
what failed me.
am i good enough?
or does the silent screaming
distract too much?
ask for too much?

you disrupt me
I'm feeling too much at once
I'm feral but only where you cant see
the line between what makes you
and what hates me
is too close
unsteady in the corners that shielded me
hoping they protect me
from what has always eaten away at me
I give too much
I feel in infinities
"Some infinities are bigger than..."
I wished and I prayed
but hope seems to lag
passive aggressively sailing on by
demanding I switch to live
urging that the way to combat
the will to give
is to take.

Seem to only be alive
When I’m breathing
But the air is full of sadness
And I’m choking on your ego.
I wanna learn to forget
But my love language is words.
All I hear is how much you hate me
Or wish I were someone else
As if that’s supposed to endear me to you
Make me not want to crawl into myself
Make me wish turning the wheel wasn’t so easy
The letters I wrote, may they never be read
But I know there’s only rest for the dead.

i shatter with the slightest nick
a vase teetering on the edge
waiting to spill over, the next avalanche.
i bruise with the wind:
my attempts never severe enough.
maybe i want to be saved,
maybe i've already given up.

the tide holds no grudge against the moon for dragging it.

Coffee in the ashes
a chaotic tragedy
teetering on the edge
of infantile sanity.
clawing away at what hindsight gave me;
what the mishaps shaved from me.
and you keep coming back
like a perennial gunshot
to the barricades i put up.