I simply want the world to end.

dear mom,

when i was born to a 16 year old, do you think it was my plan to hurt you? to ruin you? i made your life hell, i know. but this was out of my control.
mommy i love you
mommy look im reading
look how smart i am
look how good i am
look how nice i am
look how kind i am
see how tired i am
see how lonely i am
how alone
how sickly
mommy why wont you answer me
have i done something wrong?
i did everything for you.
no matter how hard i tried it was never enough.
when daddy came back to get me
you fought
you genuinely loved me
and i never wanted to see him
i loved you
daddy had left
hurt me
hurt you
but as soon as you won
didnt you cry?
wish i had been taken?
i remember that night you prayed to god for me to go away
how i was hurting you
you were my age when you had me
nearly an adult
adult enough to go to that party
to go find your man friend
to lie and say you coud drink
but what happened?
daddy forgot he hated condoms.
forgot he didnt like consent
yet it was my faut after
im sorry mommy
im sorry i wasnt good enough.
fast forward me 2019
taking it out on my grades and never happy
put on a mask for the parents and bottle up my sorrow study and work til i see the light of tomorrow
suddenly im 13
hardly 3 days clean
picking up scraps and taking pills i cant seem
to pronounce the names of
my grades are slipping
my life crumbling
im turning fifteen in 3 weeks
its like you dont even know me.
like you kept having kids to fil the void
stopl hurting me
i didnt deserve it
i was always good
i did everything to make you happy

love,
Holly

Am I even real?
my head hurts just
trying to think about it

You say I'm not
and I suppose I am
supposed to believe you

But if I'm not real
then what am I
and why am I here?

It hurts to try and remember
and you're calling me the wrong name
don't recognize the person in the mirror

Wasn't I somewhere else before?
Do I know your name?
Why can't I remember?

It's dizzying to try and keep track
of every time I lose track
and every time I forget

You make fun of me
for not remembering
but I don't know you

And I'm starting to wonder
if I'm even real
here any more

Am I supposed to be?
or should I just
learn to fade away

It's all so bright
then too dark
I think I might be dying

Or just... fading
passing out
and waking up again

somewhere new
new people
and new names

But I still don't recognize
the face in the mirror
and I don't know my name

We have heard but not yet truly learned
of the truths that hide in the darkness

The true and quiet solemnity
of cold and quiet death

It is with nothing short of dread
that the dawn breaks and the sun rises

The light ever reaching yet still hesitates
to shine on the still warm figure of death

There is no joy in finding the light of the sun
and the only comfort of the dark may be that your cries are not heard

We are not yet truly understood but so alone instead
there lacks a point of joy in this long drudge of life

And yet we carry on for some reason
pushing hard against the unyielding walls of misery

For what joy comes from the misery of unyielding
woes that persist in spite of the laughter in the room

There is no real hope that lies between these walls
and yet you push on for not

Stay with me here,
You have just died
…
Take a moment to acknowledge that
And think about it
Think about how it’s all over

You will never speak to a loved one
cry uncontrollably
Or throw up as your mother caresses your back

You will never compliment another stranger
Or have a silent panic attack

You will never get a bad grade
Or lose a friend
For you are now dead

Congratulations, you made it this far
Was what I thought
Crying and jumping outside in the rain of New Year’s Day
As if I would never step into my house again

I was not nearly as happy that I got an A on that essay
Or that I’d exercised that one day

I was the most happy that I survived that one bad day
that I felt sad
I felt overcome with rage
Or overwhelming happy

I was alive
That was life
And it was everything
While simultaneously being nothing

We live to die
But we live to live on

Just enjoy now
Or don’t

Be positive
Or don’t

Play the piano that is our life to the fullest and
Most beautiful song;
The one with black keys too
But they don’t feel right in their own, do they?


I can only remember though
I suppose
Because we are both dead right now
Busy looking from a different point of view

I could feel it's eyes
On the back of my head

Preferably forgotten
Shoved aside
Ignored
It feels better this way

But nothing is forever

It dug it's way in
Infecting my mind
As it sat in my chest
And kicked at my heart
As it grabbed hold
of my breathless strands of words
And swung
To and fro
Back and forth

Higher and higher
It latched on tighter
So tight it hurt
my throat swelled
And my mouth opened

A gaping
Twisted
Sagging
Simper

As my watering eyes
flooded my face
In salty
Sorrowful
Sobs

So lucid,
so spiritual,
so warm,
and sometimes
screaming.

Joyful, humorous
caring for others,
and often fed up
with cruel meanings.

So nostalgic,
a few salty tears,
mingled self-irony.

Pulsating softly,
may these thoughts
last a little longer.
They want to live despite
the announced apocalypse.