I guess I cling a little tighter because everything that has ever meant the most to me has suddenly dissapeared
and I'm sorry if i'm always around, making my presence known
but I'd rather keep reminding you
that I'm here, waiting, watching and wanting to be adored every second

I'm sorry if it's too much
but all I want is to be held

My loads are heavy
And I need someone to talk to
But you're not here
And not even there
Where we use to paint
our dreams...

As you turned your head away
I Slipped and fell flat on my face
The back of my head stained with with red
but not a drop of pain
The front was unrecognisable
dented with black ice
this daily occurrence
won't get me very far
But I am stubborn
And apparently content in my rotting misery
                       /
I think I have started to unlearn those secret lessons
those valuable things you have taught me
Although sometimes
they spring back into my memory
Usually at the worst of times
But being so stubborn
I brush them away like a smog cloud on a chimney top
                       /
When I look at myself in the mirror
I see someone else
Some haunted red eye beast
Something I cannot bare to know
Let alone believe as myself
If only I could reach into that mirror
And slip away into a word of reverse

I miss the way my name slipped through your lips the way water slips through finger tips
and i miss the way our finger tips were laced better than any shoe
i miss the way we'd lay with one another as though we could get lost in each other but i could never be more lost than when i looked into your eyes
i miss the way you calmed the storms in my heart,
the way your loving hands formed works of art, constructed the safest of landings right from the start.
and i miss the way you used to run your fingers through my hair, as you'd sit and stare with whispers in your breath and a tenderness in your movement saying "i care"
I miss the way you didn't look through me like most, you looked deep inside, picked up every flaw and regret and made a toast to the wonders that made me me.
i miss the way i knew in one swift glance, from the look of your stance, what the chance of forever was, and it was almost as promised hitlers suicide, and how you carefully entered the dark valleys of my heart, where others had shyed.
and i miss the way we slotted together better than the little counters in the game of connect four
and i miss the way you'd hold open the door to your soul
i miss the way we reminisced and promised to grow old
i miss the way i felt when you hung a sign on your heart saying sold
and i was elated because though it was belated i knew i was the lucky one to have such an important piece of you
and i miss the way we'd do all those things we did between the sheets, the way our eyes would meet, before we closed them together and embarked further into our romance,
As we'd partake in a dance, that only we knew.
i miss the way you planted butterflies in my stomach and fireflies in my eyes, the element of suprise when you came home with flowers
i miss the hours we spent just laying content
i miss reading and rereading those messages you sent, the beauty of your intent
i miss the taste of your lips
the way my hands felt around your hips
i miss the way those glasses framed the most beautiful masterpieces I've ever seen, the way you'd take something i had no understanding of, and show me what it means
i miss the way you filled the cavities of my heart, with hugs and i love yous which warmed me better than any cup of coffee ever could
The way you made me feel, so, so good
I miss the way you etched my initials into your the insides of your eyelids and i did the same with yours
I miss the way you calmed the shores
And i miss the way you'd sparkle and shine as you'd sit and remind me that its okay not to be okay and its okay that we're gay because we didn't have to fit into social formality, i miss the clarity, the calming of the raging wars in my mind, the directions when i had no idea where to start to find myself
i miss the way you couldn't have cared less about wealth because you said as long as we had happiness and health we were already millionaires.
I miss the way you took the fires in me that could have burnt down entire cities, and slowly but surely extinguished them,
I miss the way we tied ourselves to one another with double knots until we forgot to tell each other just how lucky we were, and until we started to stop showing each other how much we cared but instead the bruises we bared from the only person that had ever cared so much it hurt
until we lost touch, both physically and mentally until the insides of you and me began to unravel from each other internally
until happiness could only be found in setting free the one thing I've never wanted to hold onto most,
until the host that had kept my heart beating and my hopes alive buried them in the tears that fell from your eyes. And i despise the way
the only place id ever felt like i was home was now the only place id ever felt so alone.

You made my dad a grand father
But he doesn't mind
You've been the son at the back of his mind

You made my ma a grandma
And made her heart glow
Funny she's never loved something that made her feel old

You made my malla and me uncles
It feels kind of cool
To think now after being spoiled we'll be spoiling you.

You made Akki a mom
Or you made it official
I don't think she's been anything less than maternal.

You've made James a dad
And a fine one at that
Time will prove that i'm right and of that I'm glad.

Welcome to the family!
We were born into it too
It's wierd at first but it grows on you.

And we will do our best
To make you feel one
Friend and a loved nephew son and grandson.

“I need to talk to you.” I hate these words. Because in a nanosecond I felt nervous; uneasiness filled my heart, afraid of what you are going to say & afraid of what will happen next. These words are just like the introduction of all the stories I have read. The stories that will always end up breaking my heart.

“I don’t love you anymore.” There. I know that was the second line you are going to say. I expected that. But I guess even though how much you are prepared for the situation and how much you expect that that may cause your heartbreak, you cannot help not to be hurt so much. I did not know what to feel that time. It was a myriad emotion and inexplicable feelings, tears are falling down my face and at the same time my body suddenly feels weak. And I did not know what to do.

It seems like yesterday since you told me that you will always be here when I needed you and that we are going to see together those places we are never going through. Your lips that tell me you really love me and your eyes that can tell it is true; that you are sincere. It has been just like a storm that came in and you are that storm that suddenly destroys my whole life when you left me.

Now I finally understand why storms are named after people.

I've missed you for the longest amount of time
how could I not,
you were engraved in me,
a part of me for so long,
I didn't know what it was like without you.
You were my routine, my schedule,
the ballet-slipper pink ribbon laced into my life.
You showed me your world, and I showed you mine,
and suddenly, it was ours.
I don't know who you are anymore
In fact, I didn't know for a time before you left.
Our worlds grew distant
foreign and separate
even so
what am I to do but crumble
and fall apart
When you yanked the shiny ribbon of your presence
from my life?
You were a part of me
And I can still feel your presence.