I’ve handled worse than this.
I didn’t bend when I should’ve broke,
I didn’t slip when I should’ve fell.
Holding my head high I faced my giants,
even with a heavy heart I still fought.

I question if it’s me that’s the problem,
being so blind, oblivious.
things don’t make sense sometimes,
I try to figure it out and I come up empty handed.
I can never fully grasp why.

I’ve carried a much heavier weight between my ribs,
my heart has broken so much worse,
so why is it that this time I shrug my shoulders?
not to brush it off, but embrace it?
I’ve finally learned without conflict there’s no peace.

We learn through our riots the meaning of calm.
Without them would it be as sacred?
Would our peace be as precious if it’s all we’d ever known?
Learning to not take for granted our sunshine is the first step in accepting the rain.
To run from war at first, means you can’t appreciate the freedom after.

I see chocolate,
in your eyes and in your hair.

I taste the cocoa on your lips,
and trace my fingers down to your hips.

you’re intoxicating, you’ve left me tipsy.
a winsome smile painted ear to ear.

the way you stood so tall and proud,
shining more light than the night allowed,
left me breathless.

your coffee-coloured features awoke me,
giving me my strength and energy.
and your tranquil gaze swept me off my feet.

your alluring charm is irresistible.
something one may say is fictional,
but to me you’re completely real.

I see you there looking at me
cutest thing you'll ever see
pink peach fuzz all over myself
I sort of look like a cute little elf

my nose pokes through the fence
to show my eyes black and intense
I'm just a little guy, won't be a hog
I'll get along great if you have a dog

I'll be loyal, I can learn tricks
I'll trot along, feet making clicks
I want a home, I want to be taken
just please, oh please, don't name me "Bacon"

I often wonder if Robert Frost
in all his life ever got lost
did that road he took need corrections
if so, as a man, did he ask directions?

Fly so fast the years they do
and my mind is not as once it was,
forgetting things such as dates and names
and going round as though I´m lost,
in every room I stop and wonder
why did I come in here,
what is it, that I´m looking for,
not a clue I fear.

Have you seen my reading glasses
Yes! she says, you´ve got them on your head,
and what about my car keys
I´ve looked everywhere, including in the shed,
and when I bend, why is it
that I always grunt and groan,
and my back today, is not the best of backs
I am so racked with aches and pains.

My eyesight´s not as sharp these days
and my hearing, Sorry, what d´you say,
no longer do I walk upright
and my thinning hair is turning grey,
but although the body´s ageing
and the memory´s fading fast,
my brain still thinks I´m eighteen
and I can do things, as I did in the past.

So I´m off to run a marathon
and the channel I shall swim
and when I get home from clubbing
I´ll be heading for the gym,
I´ve parked my zimmer in the corner
and my pillows I have plumped,
the douvet I have pulled up tight
as I start to snore and dream, and trump.

we come out of the night that leaves us blinded,
crawling on our hands and knees,
searching for an effective escape.

it’s all black on black, a dream in a dream.
we fall into the trap, we’re pulled into the chain.
our hearts put up a facade.

racing towards an undefined finish line,
we’ll find our passion and our purpose,
we’ll become the real ones.

so much is clouded in our thoughts.
diving into unknown territory, waters so deep.
how do we know this is our mission?

are we who we present ourselves as?

do we fit into the mold?

(I will open my eyes, find my seventh sense,
and breathe)

If I were to tell someone I was abused, I feel at first they would not believe me. They would demand to see the bruises, read the proof, look at the prescription.

But one thing society does not understand is that emotional and psychological abuse doesn’t have a word-for-word textbook definition. It can vary from person to person. What may be traumatic for one, may be harmless to another.

It’s because of this very concept that I’m lacking the help I need. I’m having to help myself deal with the burdens I can hardly even carry. Reminding myself that “I’m safe.” and there’s no way that they can get to me anymore is draining and exhausting.

My own parents would laugh at the idea of my suffering. I hate the thought but it’s how I feel. They would say, “but it’s been so long. you need to get over it already. it’s fine.” but what is it they don’t understand?

Forget the rhyme of “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.” Words go deeper than any cut, actions linger than a broken bone, so why can’t they for once open their eyes and see that their daughter is broken inside?

Can they not see past my smiles and happiness? Even a happy person has scars too. Even a confident soul has burdens to carry. No one escapes from that fact of life.

I’m the happiest I’ve been in my life after I left you. But the things you did to me still hurt. And just because I’m the best I’ve ever been, does not mean I’m excluded from pain, and denied help.

i.
love bites as dark as the circles under my eyes like tags on my body mimicking name brands to fake worth that's not there

ii.
hello love to pretty strangers to have soft words fill the loud silence between empty bodies

iii.
flinching from bumping into someone in the store and shrinking away from a strangers smile because the feeling of being used echos beneath your skin

iv.
finding yourself comparing new people to the old and letting your heart break when they don't compare

v.
finding yourself glowing when the sun is high then finding yourself high and lonely with the stars

s.s