The mornings are always the worst
Before my mind can decide if I'm awake or asleep,
you creep in and settle into a seat
The rising sun cascades a violent orange on the tops of the buildings and creeps down
and if I could only shake the sleep out
if I could only get you to enjoy your mornings somewhere else
I might find it beautiful.

I think about her
I think about you with her
I think about the way you touch her, especially when you're drunk
I remember the way it felt
I see the way she feels
She smiles and I scowl
She giggles, throwing her head back
and I snarl, baring my teeth
She moans softly
I cry out
I shriek
I scream and I cry and I yell
Sobs rattle my chest as her legs shake
I pound my fists against the solid ground

I am stuck here
I see you and her when I close my eyes
I see it projected on the concrete walls around me
I cannot outrun it
even with an 192 mile head start

I can feel myself slipping back towards October, when you told me you weren't sure if you could be with me without hurting me
I am tumbling backwards to December, when you wanted to stop seeing me
I stumble to January, when you started ******* other people and I started hearing about it

I look up
Past the concrete walls there are stars

a collection of piercing white energies

And I remember the love I felt
I remember the love I gave you
I feel my chest begin to exude a warm light
I have that love, and it's with me now.

And I hope when she touches your arm, you feel my fingers touch the inside of your wrist where it makes you shiver

And I hope when she calls to you, you feel me trace your full name on your skin

And I hope when you're short with her
when you're angry with her
when you lash out at her

I hope you remember how I asked if you were okay

I hope you fall in love with her
and her with you

And I hope after you do, you remember my love

I hope you remember the love I had for you
The only love I've had for anyone

I hope you see it glow orange the way the sun rises
I hope you feel the soft curves of my love
and get the warm fuzzy feeling in your chest where my love used to be

I hope it makes you remember me
and I hope it makes you sick how much you ******* miss it.

I feel the night air like a loss of breath
My chest echoes at the blow
I’m not sure about much anymore
But I know that I loved you
I remember the pain in my chest as if it’s still there
I feel how much I still care as it squeezes and bends my rib cage like an accordion

But I am the beautiful part of my heartbreak
The memory I knew of you will always surpass the person you are today
And all of the things you ever did to me spill out in a long list written in black pen
My sick figure scrawling into a notebook
Sweat drops from my twisted form
My tears pour into the ink

and I release you again

The same way I released you before
The same way I’ll release you again

I don't believe in closure
I can't tell if it's the honey soaked rose that I have for a heart
and I can't tell if I'm in more pain because of it

I didn't stop loving you
I can't slam the door shut
Not when you've made a home in the empty space of my mind

I don't mind the occasional visit
I stop in, look around to make sure you're still there

And, oh, you're still there

you're there in the late night drives holding hands
you linger in the smell of cigarette smoke and the taste of menthol
you crawl in the empty space in my bed at night
and you sometimes even lay your head on my heart, pressing down into my chest

But that's all it is
An occasional visit in your apartment in my mind
We never exchange words or ideas or kisses

I didn't stop loving you
But my love changed

My love for you was once deafening
So loud it pounds on your eardrums and rattles your ribcage
When you left it just made my hearing foggy and distant
You understand that I had to turn it down, don't you?

My love for you was once consuming
The kind that rolls over you like a wave and leaves you breathless
When you left I drowned in its gluttony
You understand that I had to starve it, don't you?

My love for you was once white hot
Heat waves radiated out of my chest and my toes were never cold
When you left it ignited and I was engulfed in flames
Reaching out of the inferno, my seared fingertips replaced your love with a flickering candle
You understand that, don't you?

I didn't stop loving you
My love transformed
I transformed to survive my love

Because amidst my grief
I yelled over the music
I clawed out of the riptide
I dragged myself out of the burning building

the burning home

I don't believe in closure because I didn't stop loving you
and my love didn't evolve

I did.

i feel like we’re all alone
i feel like i could dissolve

skimming my fingers along the white tiled walls
i prance down the hall
this never ending hall
i left your room
i was no longer welcome and i knew it
i knew it was time for me to leave
and i stayed as long as i could bear
but i had to leave before the thunderous silence finally crushed down on my bones and left my structure aching and bent
but now as i prance through the hall
head swaying madly as if i could shake the thought of you
i would prefer the silence
i would take the cracking of my bones over the vagueness of this hallway
this white hallway
ghosts of you wander by me
i call out
but they don’t hear me
the same way you never heard me
everything so excruciatingly plain
i had wandered into this plain white building
mistaking your room as colorful from the outside
and as i came in the door shut behind me
i was trapped in this mad house but it was okay since i was with you
except now my only company are these ******* never ending white walls
in this ******* never ending white hall

My hands clasped together
Sitting on my lap

A rose bud buried in my chest blooms in the morning sun
Poking its head out

I’ve never felt this before
The sun kissed my toes

Then began kissing up

Up
Up
Up

Up to my feet

The sun had other mistresses
But in this moment I was the warmest

Up to my ankles

I giggled and ****** my legs back in response
My legs are ticklish in the sunlight

Up to my calves

My giggles slowed their pace
I was settling in to the feeling of sunlight creeping up my body

Up to my knees

I was losing my humor
This was very real

At my thighs I made him stop
I had never before felt that

My rosebud seemed like a statue
Frozen in time
Holding its breath to see what would happen next

He laughed

A hearty laugh
One that came from the belly and echoed out
One that rattled my rib cage

And soon I was laughing too
Shaken by the vibrations of 2 laughters

And as I looked down, I felt the warmth all over my body
It was all over and it was magical
And I wasn’t afraid anymore

But just as soon as he had started

He was gone

And the sky became a dark grey

And the sun didn’t come back out

And the rosebud in my chest began to wilt and wither in the whipping wind
But all I could do was keep my eyes on the sky

Waiting for the sun that I knew wouldn’t return

Swimming through paint
Watercolors entangling my fingers and toes
I taste it on my tongue
A grittiness that I have grown to live with
My cheeks stained with blue
I stare at my reflection
But I don’t recognize the collection of eyes that lay in front of me
I run my fingers through it
It ripples and I forget the stranger I’ve seen
The one right in front of me
The one clawing at the surface of the water
The one clawing at the surface of my face
This aching in my chest
It’s there again
It rattles the cobwebs
And I yell at it with clear lungs

Get out

I say

I don’t want you here

And I don’t
But seeing your face
Knowing you’re around
Being in the same room
My ribcage rattles like drums
It drowns out my protest

being the other

I'm used to this
I find comfort in never really being known by the people I care for

I am the escape
the breath of fresh air
the break

I am not the permanent
not the commitment
not the priority

I come without obligation
I come without responsibility
I come tied with a bow

but when I start feeling
(and I always do)
that's where it ends

suddenly I am guilt
I am a reminder of all that you use me to escape from
I am a weeping witch
suddenly you can't escape me

suddenly you need me to be distance
I need to be a memory
I need to be tucked away

I lose my shimmer and I rot before your eyes
I spoil in seconds
rapidly crumbling into sewage

I am the dirt on your shoe
I am the itch on the unreachable part of your back
I'm the buzzing gnat you swat away

I was never whole
you never caught a glimpse of me

I was my use
I was how I made you feel
I was everything you ran away from

I'm used to this

being the other

every day the same
getting so accustomed to the mundane
engaged to the repetition

starting each day optimistic
and slowly remembering the sandpaper numbness
everything is the ******* same

reoccurrence- this deja vu
i feel like this has happened before
the past feeling like a foggy memory
i cant remember

ending the day exhausted
run out of steam
cant even pick up my head
my structure cracking from the weight
feels like my body might just give out
fold into a million pieces
and land on the ground
a perfect pile of skin and bone

not punishing myself for having emotions but forcing myself not to

so sensitive- a sticky gooey bleeding heart

like a licked melted lollipop,
my heart weighs in my chest

my source of conscience

and also guilt

I cant decide if I can go on being so open

I don't want to lose my compassion but I don't want to die keeping it

-------------------------------------------------------------­-----------------------------

can I keep one thing to myself

is it so hard to be happy with just knowing myself

I find joy in giving and sharing but not in receiving and keeping
-that is going to hurt me one day

it seems as though I cannot find any answers within myself

is that so hard to do

answer one question about myself

even the important one

who am I

the street lamp shines on the pavement in my mind

and I watch through my window

wishing I could share the view with someone else

-----------------------------------------------------------­-------------------------------

who could ever love someone who is so unsure of herself

and so sensitive

I'm so sensitive

I fear real emotional commitment

why cant I just untie the knot in my chest

when did I tie it in the first place

I plead it to loosen

bleeding fingers prying back the ribbon

but it is too tight

and it has been there so long that the fabric folds in on itself at each curve

almost as if its a ball of ice

but for it to be ice it would have to be cold

and my chest roasts under a fire of emotion that is constantly stoked

so the ice would surely melt

I don't want an empty cavern with cobwebs and stalagmites frozen, reaching up for a heart that disappeared long ago

but I cannot handler the fire in my stomach burning the lining of my chest and climbing up my throat
using the cartilage rings in my esophagus as a ladder to my head

time


I grasp at it unconsciously

gasping

exasperated

out of breath

hands holding my head backwards

I jut my chin out, trying to pry my head out of grasp

my arms extend outwards, my fingers menacingly contorted into claws

every time that it seems as though I have reached it

it slips through my fingers

golden sand grains sliding away

slipping down the well and into the corner of my mind

where it can sit and taunt me

just out of reach


I sob

reaching inward

trying to extract it

I just need to get ahold of it


time

Fresh parchment and jet-black ink

A desk with an oil lamp

A mirror in a wooden frame

A screeching screen door

A narrow stairway

A squeaky floorboard
on a dank wooden floor

Soot covered cheek

Grey hair pulled into a bun

A homemade frock

A dense black pan

A candle at the dinner table

A heavy white quilt
and beneath soft cotton sheets

A window and outside it a white blossom tree

And within the house

there's me

instantgratificationandimpatiencegohandinhand
everythingavailable­
nothingeveroutofreach
constantconnection
howcouldyoublamemefortu­rningoutthisway
howcomeiblameme

When I was young there was a gap between my front teeth so big that I could fit a straw through it
I squeezed my tiny pink tongue through the hole constantly
Most likely pushing them further apart
Not helped by falling face first on my icy driveway
My grandma had given me a cookie from the freezer
and I winced before I bit in and realized that it was soft
My teeth throb when I eat ice cream
and I've had two major cavities
I learned to dislike the tiny black slit in my mouth
They're in braces now
Buckling under the pull of the wire, my gap closed
Yet braces still make my teeth sore

When I was younger, I wished to grow
Like the sunflower I had planted in my mother's garden after a Sunday Morning at church
I was told by Sister Mary,
"With the right nourishment, this little seed in this tiny cup will grow so big that it will need an entire *** to hold it."
I wonder if she knew that my seed would grow to be eight feet tall
I would have told her, but I stopped going to Sunday School
And I grew as I had hoped
But I did not stand straight as the sunflower did
And my face did not bloom into beauty, either
My middle resembled more that of a pear than a stalk,
soft and curved about the belly
Plus the girls around me grew much faster
And matured into lilies and daisies and roses
And I am still growing
Much longer than I had hoped to grow with much less results
And what I wouldn't give now to be small
To scrunch and squeeze inward,
Folding at my elbows and knees,
And tucked away.