How long does it take to get over lost loves. Books and sunshine can’t fuel my bonfires celebrating life is but a dream my parties are so outdated I don’t know how my soul speaks anymore. Run on sentences because my brain can’t comprehend grammar anymore it’s just word ***** and love ticks trying to spit out energy at any awkward chance it gets. Will writing be the same I plead my soul to gain its old memories through feel and spontaneity. I learn to love again is it really all through creating I pick my scabs my nicknames by what I seem are better days before an abusive heartbreak I never truly know what is at stake when I put my heart into beings never truly seeing what they’re meaning behind their lies and deceiving I always see the best despite the feelings. My visions always so temporary never thinking what I could truly accomplish is what I want to do. What I want to be. How loud I might scream or how tired I might be but how high I climb over all simple yet complicated atrocities. I just want my soul to gleam I just want to feel so clean I just want to get over all these things that are holding me. I keep hitching thoughts of friends loving me trying to abide by social standards taught to keep me balanced keep me holy.
Keep thinking about human trolls just stagnant in feeling during purrs of not speaking just vibrations under being. Vibes push out dark thoughts yet still no words come out I feel invisible isolated by myself reality is loneliness

He was always too good to me,
I never understood
why he let me take all,
that I possibly could.
so in my sleep and when I wake,
my heavy heart still tends to ache.
For him and me and all I feel,
for worlds we contrived,
convinced they were real .
Now in sorrow and insight,
sickness and pain,
sleep or insomnia,
with guilt and with shame:
I admit to defeat and begin my descent,
both feet in the air and face on cement,
All the damage is done now- how I'm alone but I'm free-
how no one compares,
He was too good to me.

since I lost you i’ve been searching

everywhere to find what we had

I search in

people
    books
        friendships
            music

but I can’t find it

what we had wasn’t something you can find in an object or a warm body

what we had was a rainfall during a drought

water for the thirsty

food to the hungry

what we had was something I needed and longed for

and i’ll never have that again

It took me seven years
to realise
the words in my mind
were too deep for
my mouth to dig up
I thought it was easier
to open my skin
and let the truth
pour down my arms

It took me seven years
to realise
nobody should be allowed
to touch parts
of your home
or hold pieces  
of your heart
that you don't yet understand

It took me seven years
to realise
I will wear these scars
forever
I'll carry them
through every smile
every kiss
every concerned gaze
I'll carry them
to my grave

It took me seven years
to realise
the pain carved
into the walls
of my castle
etchings of
attempting to disappear
are not a story of weakness
but a tale of
how I survived

do you still love me
do you still love m
do you still love
do you still lov
do you still lo
do you still l
do you still
do you stil
do you sti
do you st
do you s
do you
do yo
do y
do
d
di
did
did y
did yo
did you
did you e
did you ev
did you eve
did you ever
did you ever l
did you ever lo
did you ever lov
did you ever love
did you ever love m
did you ever love me