I was jealous of a cigarette
I wanted to be held so tight in your fingers
I wanted to touch your lips
And then just like the drag of smoke
Disappear in the dark.

I wanted you to smile at me
the way you smile at the full pack
I wanted to be carried with you
and I wanted you to always want me.

Instead of that
you became my cigarette
my addiction
and I wanted more and more
and I couldn't control myself anymore
I wanted to be your everything
so desperately
that I became nothing to you
while you were my whole world.

I'm struggling
to become what you always wanted me to be
to remember the way I felt
when you whispered my name

You always told me
you love the way I am
and that I should not change
but in the end
you told me I wasn't enough.

I'm struggling
to define myself
to escape the old me
to be better
and good enough.

You always told me
you will always love me
with all those flaws
little imperfections
but in the end
you pointed them out
and left.

I have been acting like I am strong
I have been acting like I am fine
But the truth is
all I want to do is cry.

And I lied
when I told them I don't miss you
there is nothing I can do
to make myself care less about you.

And I lied
when I told them I am fine
when I got drunk on the wine
to make myself forget you.

And I lied
when I told them I don't feel lonely
because after you left
all there was left
was this feeling only.

Bent and broken
on every word you left unspoken
on every broken promise you couldn't keep
on every lie you used to speak
on every faked smile you gave
on every escaped drops of tears.

How can you sleep at night
how can you be alright
knowing you destroyed someone?

When you kissed me for the first time
I understood.

I knew you had so much to say
But you didn't have to use the words
I understood

And it felt like connection
Between two floating minds
And I never felt alone again

You never used the words to make me understand
You used your soft touch,
and you painted your sparkling thoughts on my thighs

You used your tongue
colliding with my own to make me go insane

You used your eyes
to make my core burn and burn
and to make me understand that what we had
was special.

But then you used your words
only to hurt me
and I let you walk away
because I wasn't used to tasting the words
I never supposed you would say.

I will never touch your magnificent skin

And I will never adore the scars
The scars adorning your forehead
The wounds from your childhood

I will never laugh at your goofiness
The way you fell and bruise your skin
And I will never kiss the pain away


And I will forever miss the scent
The scent of your skin after shower
Being envy of the droplets
Making their way across your collarbone


I miss the freckles
shining through the pale skin
I miss the palm lines
I used to read stories from

And there is not a day
when I don't miss every part of you.

Is this what people call love?
Broken hearts
Crying eyes
Shaking hands
Sleepless nights

I don't trust anyone anymore
telling me it will be fine
because I know it will get better
only when you hold me in your arms.

even if i screamed at the top of my lungs
that i hate you
it still would be lie
and i will still love you

8 cups of coffee
5 am
shaking hands
tear stains

blood on my tshirt
blood on my legs
starving for days
sore muscles

thinking of you again
aching heart
busy mind
another sleepless night

i miss you

But she will not love you as I loved you.

She will not kiss your lips
as if it's the last time seeing you.

She will not hug you so tight
as if she wanted to feel every inch of your skin.

She will not touch your skin
as if she wanted you to know how lovely you are.