i feel so sick..

i also feel like
im going completely insane,
thinking things that probably
aren't real.

i feel left out from my friends
like they all hate me or something?

i feel under pressure at school,
like work just keeps stacking up
and it stresses me
more and more.

i can't sleep at night anymore.
so i sleep in and get nothing done --
the work piles up,
and i haven't seen my friends
in five days..

i don't know what to do with myself.

i cry over nothing
over the littlest things,
any miniature mistake
that i make
creates this big dent
in my world.

i feel so insane,
so sick,
so tired,
like everyone is watching
but also not watching.

if you ask me
what i love,
i could give you a long list
of who and what.

but in my top three
would be clouds.

and im sure by now
if you've gotten this far..
you've asked yourself
or the device you're reading this on --
why?
why does this
random user like clouds?

give me a moment,
ill tell you in a few sentences..


it's because they tell stories.

their shapes
and stories are aphonic.
they speak to you
but not really.

that's why i love them.

you don't
know
what is "said"
but you also
know
what is "said"
at the same time.
which is such
an odd out of body
experience.

if that makes any sense
to a sane person.

i say
"im not interested
in anyone"
and
"im not wanting
a relationship, im only young.
why date during school?
i have work to do."

but the truth?

it's far from what i say
i "want".

i can't sleep anymore.
the thoughts start to consume me..
its all i think about now.

im just setting it aside as
hormones --
and going
completely
insane.

but i think i might
actually want
something
with someone.

the clock,
it ticks.

tick
   tock
       tick
            tock

it keeps me awake
in the silence of the night.

that odd hour when
it isn't quite midnight
but also not quite dawn.

it's deafening almost.

it makes me hear things..

is there someone in the house?

creak


tick
   tock
       tick
            tock

no.

maybe i should check.

the clock,
it ticks.

and it keeps me up.

i barely sleep.

why would you
prefer to live for
eternity?

everyone around you
will die at some point,
everyone you love
or loved,
would be gone.
what's the point then?

you'd grow really old,
and you'd have no one.

so why would you prefer
to live for eternity?

death is natural.
it's sad, of course.
it's miserable when we lose
someone we love dearly.

but everybody dies.

there's no point in living forever.

atleast to me,
there isn't.

i wish to see my soul.

i want to see if it's
bright
and full of colour
or dark
and miserable.

i want to stare into my soul --
just to see what's in the inside.

i wish to see my soul

broken sleep,
discontinued dreams,
tossing and turning
at four in the morning.

i barely sleep anymore.

its too hot under these covers,
im too cold now,
i need to be held,
im gonna die in my sleep.

i cant turn my brain off.

i get broken sleep,
i get those discontinued
unfinished --
extremely real feeling dreams,
i toss and turn all night long
still uncomfortable after each turn.

i cant stop
and take a break.