i am tired.
tired of life, i guess.
every day seems to drag on, page by page.
i am slowly withering away.
i don't even pretend anymore, because pretending is exhausting
and i don't have the energy.
i think i want to die but really, i just want to live again.
i am worried about myself.
i am worried about where i am going.
i just need help.
i just need someone..

i am tired.
and i wish it would just go away.

Running  through my brain
Emotions filled with anger sadness and pain
Walking to the edge and looking down
I know I could end it all by hitting the ground
Trying hard to find a reason to live some more
I search my hardest right down to my core
I recall memories of my life
Some are happy others filled with strife
Memories come flowing  through my brain
Tears run down like a torrential rain
I think of my daughter and son
Memories filled with laughter and fun
Being grandma has brought lots of joy
1 granddaughter 4 grandboys
I step back from the very edge
Nope today  isn't the day I step off the ledge
I'll leave these words as I depart
May love joy and happiness fill your heart

Depression is a *****, but **** when she teams up with social anxiety your world starts crushing down.

You feel like **** or nothing at all and you can't tell a single soul because you are basically... terrified.

Why would you "bother" someone with your "petty" problems, you don't wanna be a "burden".
Why would they "bother" with your whining.

So you close the doors,and sit in darkness all alone growing nothing but hatred towards yourself.
You hate yourself and you wonder why would someone give you even the slightest hint of love when...
WHEN EVEN YOU DON'T LOVE YOURSELF!

As much as you'd like to,you "think" you're too ****** up to be loved so you don't let yourself be loved, even more.
You want to have friends, but you "can't".
You want to be in a relationship but you "can't".
You want to be helped, but you "can't".
You want to smile, but you "can't".

You just have this expression on your face that resembles something you remember as a smile.

You wear that because you "think" you are not worth it, you "don't" deserve to be happy.

This is what depression does, it eats you alive because...


Depression is a *****, but **** when she teams up with social anxiety your world starts crushing down.

You feel like **** or nothing at all and you can't tell a single soul because you are basically... terrified.

Why would you "bother" someone with your "petty" problems, you don't wanna be a "burden".
Why would they "bother" with your whining.

So you close the doors,and sit in darkness all alone growing nothing but hatred towards yourself.
You hate yourself and you wonder why would someone give you even the slightest hint of love when...
WHEN EVEN YOU DON'T LOVE YOURSELF!

As much as you'd like to,you "think" you're too ****** up to be loved so you don't let yourself be loved, even more.
You want to have friends, but you "can't".
You want to be in a relationship but you "can't".
You want to be helped, but you "can't".
You want to smile, but you "can't".

You just have this expression on your face that resembles something you remember as a smile.

You wear that because you "think" you are not worth it, you "don't" deserve to be happy.

This is what depression does, it eats you alive because...

Depression is a *****...



















And so is overthinking...

Clouds blow the sun away.
More coffee.

When I was five,
my mother told me I was loved.
Years later, she asked me to leave because
I was the reminder of the gruesome past that haunted her.

When I was ten,
my father told me he believed in me.
Years later, he refused to accompany me because
I was an embarrassment to him in front of the society.

When I was fifteen,
my friends told me I was funny.
Years later, they all laughed at me because
I was the gullible teenager who fell for their flawless façade.

When I was twenty,
this guy said I was beautiful.
Years later, he trashed me, tormented me because
I was ignorant enough to overlook my inevitable flaws.

So, sorry for not believing in you,
for questioning your intentions, inclusively, in-depth
when you told me you loved me because
I didn’t want to wind up years later,
learning it the hard way that people often don’t mean what they say.

Thinking about getting a tattoo
But, I take pause...
Looking in the mirror
I see my body’s already covered
Marked in invisible ink
Every inch of my bare skin
Painted with the joy and pain of living
From my heart to my hips
Color faded here, but poppin’ over there
Memories designed by your hands
Others etched on my own
A collection that makes me smile
Among a few pieces I regret
So, about getting a tattoo...
I guess I’m not ready
Because I can’t think of a tattoo
Meaningful enough, yet
To write over any of the life I’ve lived

Out there—lost in a sea of blue.
Somewhere between dusk and dawn waiting for that golden hue.