Sometimes I look down at my hands and I realize that I do not know who is controlling them. I do not feel like I'm me, when I look in the mirror there's always a voice in the back of my head convincing me that what I am seeing is not really there, that I am not in fact the being staring back at me. My hands are not my hands, my legs are not my legs, and my face isn't my face. It's like I'm living, but through someone else. But I don't want to be someone else anymore, I want to be me. But who am I?

And you're rocking again, but not like you use to.
Your knees are no longer drums
but they are still bruised
And your fingers are no longer drumsticks
but your knuckles are still red

There is no melody to air guitar to
And there is no chorus to yell out
But oh darling,
there is fighting
So keeping rocking away.

I didn't use to cry over boys
Then you happened
You *******- you ruined everything
I had a perfectly constructed castle built
With little green soldiers protecting the gates
I catapulted marbles and gumballs, trying to keep you away.
But you came anyways
And with a Trojan horse
I let you in and you ******* broke me from the inside
You torn down my castle like it was made of cards
Three words held the power to blow it all down
And I cried.
I cried my eyes out when we parted ways.

A year later and I don't think the castle I constructed is as strong
Because another came along
And he trampled the green soldiers
He ripped right through the walls
And here I am again, considering digging a moat
That will surely be filled with saltwater for sharks

Things I didn't have control of:
-Mom&Dad; getting a divorce
-My brother being sick
-Mom having to leave for days at a time to stay at the hospital with my brother
-Having a new mom and two new siblings
-Dad living 45 minutes away
-Dad not being there
-Dad drinking
-Staying at Grandma's when I was sick
-That boy's actions and words in middle school
-My step mom cheating on my dad
-Losing three people that I had grown up with and loved
-My brother passing away
-Him cheating on me
-My co-worker lying to our boss saying that I bullied her because I was best friends with her now ex-boyfriend
-Another boy's actions when I told him I couldn't be in a relationship at the time
-Him telling me that he doesn't love me anymore
-Breaking my body in an accident and spending the entire summer recovering
-Other peoples' happiness and comfort

Things I have control of:
-How I react to the actions of others
-My own happiness
-The music I listen to
-What I eat
-When I work out and how hard
-If my room is clean or not (which it usually is)
-How I treat myself

*Yeah.. I can see why.

"I was really kind about it, I didn't lose my head or anything."
"See.. There's a difference between being nice and being a doormat. You have a tendency to treat others better than you treat yourself."
shrug*
"You say things to yourself that you would never allow someone to say about another person."

Hold my hand when we walk or put your arm around my shoulder
2. Surprise me with random kisses
3. Stay up late with me and tell me your secrets
4. Tell me your fears and your heartbreaks
5. Watch the stars with me
6. Pay attention to when I'm quiet, ask questions
7. Please.. ask questions
8. If something is bothering you- tell me. We'll work it out
9. When you see something that worries you, bring it to me
10. When I'm acting childish just laugh with me
11. When we're fighting and I'm pacing the room with my hands shaking as they clasp each other trying to find something to say hidden in my skin- hold your hands around mine and pull me to your chest. Hold my head and tell me it's going to be okay
12. Just hold me when I cry and stroke my back let the ocean drain and then you can ask questions about what the salty water was covering
13. When I'm looking at my hands again, searching for those **** words that have to be hidden between my fingers lift my chin so I'm looking at you. Sometimes the only way to get me to talk is to force it out of me- refuse to leave until we're done, until you know I'm okay.
14. Coffee will always fix a bad day, but remember what time it is and how caffeine affects me.
15. When we're standing in the kitchen and your favorite song starts playing pull me to you and dance with me. Twirl me around and rest your hand around my waist.
16. Sing to me. Play for me. Show me your talents.  
17. Remember how easily I get chilled
18. Remember that I will make so many mistakes it'll make you crazy but you just have to stick it out with me and I swear I will fix things
19. When you say you love me.. Dear god please mean it. Mean every syllable. Mean it like the breath leaving your lungs is the last you'll have.
20. Know that when I say that I love you, I mean it with every fiber of my being.

I wish I could hate you
I honestly do
Then maybe I'd eat something
Or perhaps I'd feel something
I love you though
I wish I could stop
I wish I didn't stress myself out
Trying to be everything you want
I wish that I wasn't depressed
Maybe I would've been
I wish I could **** myself.
I wish I didn't have to remember your embrace.
I wish I could still have it.
It was never mine.
It's not like I was important enough to be given that.
I'm gonna start drinking again
I don't care
Let me waste away.
I don't want to hate you but I wish I could to help me mend