That I'm cute
Beautiful
Pretty

And I tell them that
It's okay that I'm not
Because I know I'm not
But I don't like being lied to

I know I'm not
Because I can't let tears
Drip down my cheeks
As they shimmer in the dim light
Of the movie credits

I sob until
My face is red and damp and puffy
And I'm clinging to your sleeve
And just crying so uncontrollably
That people sitting next to us
In the dark theater
Might glimpse over to see if maybe
I have a reason to cry so hard.

Does shehave cancer?
Is she missing a leg?
Did her crack-addict mother die when she was an infant?
Why is this bratty straight white blonde girl crying while watching Selma/Dallas Buyer's Club/The Help?

I have to brush my hair
Instantly
When I get out of the pool
In the summer
(Hopping from foot to foot of course
Because the sun has baked the concrete)
Because if I don't
It becomes a half-curly knotted mess.

And if I don't braid it directly after that
Then it dries
In resemblance to a Yield Sign
In a somewhat triangular form

And I'm chubby.
Not fat. It would be better if I were fat.
If I were fat then things would be
Proportionalish
But instead I'm just
A 5'2 and 3/4" girl
With DDs that no one wants
Because "***** don't count when you're chubby"
And baby fat that lounges on my stomach
No matter how many kilometers I row.

My fingers are too small for my hands.
My glasses make my eyes look huge.
My lips are forever chapped.
My cheeks are overly red.
My eyes are too dark to be pretty
And I know it.
I know all of it.

I've lived in my body for longer than you have.
So don't lie to me.
Don't tell me that I'm cute
Beautiful
Or god forbid pretty
Because I really
Really
Hate being lied to.

Only one can really see
pain on the inside,
beauty on the out.
But how could that be?
She smiles with pride
and never seemed to have a doubt.

She is consumed by feelings.
Her home life can be rough,
no can see the beatings,
oddly enough...

On the outside she's pretty
She could honestly light the whole city.
Only one would be able to know,
how her life was, long ago.

Win sings as
Bells ring in
February snow
Drifting past
Steeples
People look up at
the New Light to cover
Old friends and memories
Grown up and buried
Beneath feet shivering
in the
Cold

Flakes from the
Sun hide
Houses on the streets
We used to know

Somewhere beneath lies
a Swing
a Pine Tree
and a ***** Pool

I hope you took them with you

My heart soared and fell broken
all in the same moment.

I saw my future, forgot my past
and wept at my good fortune.

Then I awoke, forgot my dreams
to a life consumed by torture.

It’s amazing how the moment turns
on such a tiny thing.

On the ******* of your left hand
a tiny golden ring.

They've all gone
Introverts dream
I'm just sitting
With my eyes
Wide shut in the
Corner of this room
With my music
Blaring through
My speakers with
The wailing washing
Right through me


I am half beauty
And half beast
You deserve the best
Pieces of me, but
I was grown bent
Trying to reach the
Sun shining in
The far distance
But choked out
By all the weeds

I want to promise
I'll never hurt you
But I can't tell
You such cruel lies
I'm going to break
You apart without
Meaning to if
You let me stick
Around too long

Yet if you decide
To keep me anyway
I will clean your
Wounds made by
The world and I
Kiss them until
My lips crack and bleed
If you let me stay
I will make it worth
The times I am a
Destructive hurricane
By being your warm
Spring breeze


The music is me
I had to channel it
For so many years
Sometimes it feels
Like it's the only way
For me to understand
                                                    Myself