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 Oct 2014 marcela
Pax
I outfitted my worn-out clothes
Then in the far mirror, I see myself
I look behind the old me
Look pass the masked he wears,
Staring…  

After what seems like a few seconds,
I finally asked him;

“Have I neglected you?”

He didn’t answer…
A single tear fell in his left eye
And then I understood…

“I am sorry, I let you stay behind
masked for too long
muffled you for quite some time.
We all know society is cruel place to be.
We need to be strong and I needed to be stronger.
It was for our sake.
But then it was just me being a coward
                            - afraid to faced reality.

Now look at us, we’re both crying for the decisions
we’ve made long ago. It was not your fault,
I’m to blame with all of this crap.
I made you do it, I convinced you with my
Fears. And I am truly sorry for that.”


I break down into sobs. He simply hugs me, not saying anything.
Then he fades away.

I dried away the tears I shed
And found something,
     a feeling I never knew he give.
I found forgiveness.
I was able to forgive myself
From the things I did.
To stay past the past mistake,
To face the new kinda old me…

Then I realized;
It is important to forgive yourself
To be able to move forward.





written 09/27/2014
*© Pax
Taken from the depths of my soul. Very raw. An emotional pondering.

http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/willyampax/1419114/
 Aug 2014 marcela
James Sebastian
I had a dream one day
that all the angels were
dressed in black as
they spoke my name
i thought they lamented
for me but
i realise now they were
mourning our love.
If love is in the air,
I must not be breathing,
If love is in the eye of the beholder,
No one is looking at me,
If all is fair in love and war,
I have no battle to lose,
If there's a brighter tomorrow with everyday,
I am stuck in the past,
If the spark is gone,
I've never been there,
If it's love,
I'm not in it.
 Jul 2014 marcela
Awkward
You say you're there for anybody
& only a phone call away

But where were you at 3am
When I couldn't breathe
& held that blade to my wrist

You care for everyone else
Except the one person who needed you
I needed you

You did nothing
Walked by me crying in the halls like I was a ghost
& if I choose to put this blade
To my neck instead of my wrist
& end it all tonight

I'm sure you'd laugh
& be perfectly ok
With the fact the ****** ***** is gone

So don't say you care
When you've made it obvious you don't
 Jul 2014 marcela
diana
little girl, things aren't always okay
things aren't always going to go your way.
but that's okay.

little girl, everything is going to get bad,
but you know what? you are strong enough.
you just have to learn how to be tough
when those hard times come.

you're going to do many mistakes,
but those make you the person you are going to be.

little girl, there is going to be one point in your
life where you just want to end
it all
but everything is going to be just fine.

little girl, just remember this,
never doubt the people who are
going to be in your life that
actually love you. don't lose them.

little girl, you're going to be alright.
just something i would tell myself at 11 years old.
 Jul 2014 marcela
Jack
Helpless
 Jul 2014 marcela
Jack
Helpless
A friend is in pain and I can do nothing
Tears flow of indecision…straining life, staining life
My heart breaks in two…then shatters on the salted dreamscape floor
Coming out of my own skin, ripping the stitches, molting along hollow tree branches
Miles between, so many miles, so much time falls from grace
Breathing is hard, tethered at the moments lost, the suffering imagined
Pacing the floor…finding worn carpet and hidden questions beneath a shallow basement
Wishing the words, those **** words, feeding the solution…would come
Hoping for anything, something, even the tiniest of splintering compassion I can offer
To help ease this weight resting squarely on the shoulders of the weakness that engulfs her
I have no answers, useless, like a block of wood in the offering plate on a Tuesday night
My mind is a vacant lot of empty parking spaces…handicapped and no hang tag
My eyes blur of forced darkness amidst the crowing raven circling overhead
I pound my fist into this meaningless existence breaking every bone of contention
Drowning in my own fear, treading water beneath the surface
Clenching my teeth in a vice like fashion
A friend is in pain and I can do nothing
Helpless
 Jul 2014 marcela
Tark Wain
Coffee stained sweaters
swollen bit lips
mistakes that stayed forever
wounds that never healed
apologies told
relationships mended
now that I have you
I'm reminded by how it ended

I search for tones in your speech
quivers in your voice
hints in your texts
movements in your body
I can't forget how we failed
how we might make it this time
and why either is
just as likely as the other

Do I love you?
Or am I just used to you?
 Jul 2014 marcela
berry
my body
 Jul 2014 marcela
berry
this is a series of brief letters to the pieces of my body

dear body,
we don't always work together very well,
but i swear i am trying.

dear hands,
the callouses and crescent moons in your palms
will not be for nothing.

dear knuckles,
aren't you tired of painting yourselves black & blue
every time words fall short of the fire burning behind my sternum?

dear feet,
you know better than to follow roads that lead to dead ends.
there are better places for us to go.

dear eyes,
you have sunken so far into my skull
it shocks me you see anything at all anymore.
you're fixated on shades of gray
but i promise the world will regain its color soon.

dear knees,
stop crawling.
this broken glass is from his bottles.
get up. no more blood.

dear shoulders,
it was never your burden to carry. let it fall,
and try your hardest not to feel guilty.

dear neck,
his hands will never make a home here,
and you are worth more than one night of empty bruises.

dear spine,
stop waiting to be warmed by fingers
that would reach for another body if they could.

dear tears,
do not waste yourselves.

dear ears,
you have been filled with ghost songs for too long.
stop listening for things no one is saying -
it will make life much simpler.

dear mouth,
i know these secrets have been threatening to break my teeth
but please do not open your gates. i am not ready.

dear skin,
we have never been close friends.
i am sorry for the scars.
i am trying to learn how to be comfortable in you.

dear mind,
if i could wish you into an etch-a-sketch
and shake you clean of these bad memories i would.

dear heart,
i hope you can forgive me for being so careless.
i feel how tired you are. rest is on its way.  

dear body,
you will one day see a grave,
but it must not be by your own hands.

- m.f.
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