Little brown girls are taught safe love,
Which isn’t safe at all.
Love that is easy, love that is accepted.
Love that you don’t have to pick at like a scab,
Love that they see fit. Love that makes sense.
Love with a man and a woman who have tea together in the morning while the birds sing them well wishes for the day.

I have always found myself rebelling against my cocoa soil.
I have dug deeper into the dirt to find mischievous love, which always felt warm to me ; just like tea.
Maybe the warmth came from the rush of blood, the paranoia of being exiled, the heat came from another woman or another man or both a man and a woman simultaneously- quite heated is it not?

Little brown girls are taught safe love, but I am not brown nor little anymore. Watch me emerge from the dirt , budding the most ******* release. A simple rose ( or two ).

Someone once spoke to me about my honesty and how they loved watching it drop from my lips and implant in the thoughts of others
I realized tonight in the crisp coldness that I am often not honest with myself

So I released my thoughts from their cage and allowed them to wander . . .
not too far and in a minutes time they discovered disgust

They discovered hypocrisy that I grew by myself that I bred like a new species

I mean I preached loyalty to crowds of souls that had the honor of stroking my heart
Yet I betrayed them by sneaking around and luring boys in
To touch my core
But not the real core
The superficial one which fed their egos and absorbed attention
( this monsteral core fed on attention )


~beastly

Why do I not feel bound to your love? Why does it not weigh me down and cage me in ? Why does it allow me to play with others?
Why does it let me engrave a rough impressionistic font onto the lips of others?
Why am I not suffocating in your embrace ?

Why am I wondering from your purity
Like a pilgrim on a journey into a domino effect
Making boys fall
At my feet , girls too
Like a goddess
  It excites me to be craved
To be worshipped and praised like a deity not to be ****** with ?
Can only toxicity keep me excited
Is your holiness too safe? Is their rebellion running through me?
Why do you love me so much ?
You can’t save me
You don’t know how to play with such a force
I want to devour you
I see you bowing down to me
   I’m running not to the ocean but to a herd of sheep
I hear the waves crashing behind me
I feel the pacific liquid in my ears
The flock is waiting to worship me

You are standing on the sun burning...  
suffering like a servant , begging for me to stay

I choose you because your purity makes me feel holy
A little sane

Selfish?
You say that I’m not
You say that I’m kind and pure
I feel *****
Like I need to wash myself off of me
Bathe me . Stay around I want to be cleansed
I will sober up for you
From his high and from myself ...
I am softness I am rose water and I will continue implanting my beauty in the minds of creation and making them fall like soldiers in war
subtly like a fairy with dust.
And I’ll come back to you , all ready for equilibrium

... I know you’ll be waiting , you always are

you might think I’m lying, but today I layed in a field of violet flowers.
each petal of each and every flower whispered me a billion questions , when I find tuned their little giggles I heard what they were all asking childishly...
they wondered why they couldn’t smell you on my skin, they wondered why they couldn’t hear your voice making me smile.

I started to cry , because I told them you ran away from this field , that you were out in the city , in fast cars with loud sounds and I know your head gets messy when you think too much.
I cried a little bit more because my tears would soften all the pain for you. My holy water would drip from your cheeks from all the billion kisses I placed in your pores, do you think a field of love would grow there within you?
Or would the pain and the noise and the smoke from the fast cars pollute the purity of newness of kindness of life giving violet flowers.

After my mind slowed down I had realized that the millions of petals had fell to the ground to wrap me in their warmth just so my skin could smell of something.

Do you think I’m lying?

shyly enters*
heyyyyy, it is I , me.
I know I haven’t been here in a while
I haven’t been much of anywhere if we are being honest, been floating a lot , pretending a lot and crying occasionally when it all surfaces.

But, I thought it was time to face you again. That sounds mean not face you I thought I’d drop by and let you know that today is just a little too much and we know that I sometimes can’t hold it all in and it manifests in tiny little droplets of emotion.

Let’s harp on that for a second. A single drop of solution carries razor blade pain , it carries harsh anger and subtle insecurities . I think that’s cool.

I met someone who once told me that water was his path to finding god. And if we want to get into the nitty gritties of semiology it makes perfect sense. For thousands of years fluid in all religious faculties water has been a symbol of cleansing of purity of rebirth.

Watch me reinvent myself , that sounds too confident. Just as the wounds close tight and scab to the perfect itchy texture, a new bang opens it and makes it bleed.

Rayhaan? Do you see me . Do you even know what you married? They say transparency and complete intimacy is at peak during a hard or slow ****... is that all you see ? The little girl that doesn’t like to be in control? The little girl screaming for love? The little girl that demands ( quietly ) to be degraded? To be held ?

A walking ******* contradiction.

Baby I’m so much more and so much less than that little girl and all you see is someone begging to be loved. I remember when you first fell i was still sitting on my throne watching you play in my ocean splashing around, bathing in my sun. And then I fell off , I was a commoner and you became the ultimate .
For a while we ruled in unison . But now baby you watch me drown from above . Do you enjoy the suffering ? Does it make you feel good that , that little girl is screaming to be held to be seen to be heard. She craves you.

I miss my best friend the one that would lay on the floor to catch my tears , just coz Mother Nature was not vast enough to absorb all the emotion. Now you watch it waste away to the ground like a element we have too much of.

Do you still love ? I’ve never felt like enough , do you finally feel that way too?

Everything’s too heavy right now, it’s all starting to merge in my head it’s becoming too loud. The medication will start working it’s magic on my neurotransmitters, forced sleep, forced love , forced ....

I love you.
I don’t have to tell you but know that no one will ever swim with your demons , no one will twist their bones to be enough for you like me . No one will EVER see you like this. You will continue giving brief glances of your personality but never your true self.

Bye for now
( strange how I started to write to the poem then myself and finally ended at you- maybe that is because you flow in my blood )

I’m not doing this for you I’m doing this for me
Today I am enraged with hate and anger and sadness im a dangerous storm sent to tear homes from their roots I’m a giant monster created to stomp on little imbelice toddlers
I am a monster you created you filled me with pain and hate and you twisted something heavenly into a tumultuous fire and now I want you to burn
I’m tired of you having the power of sharing you with the world
You created this monster and now you must suffer in isolation because I created you I searched for you from the depths of hell and elevated your holiness I have discovered your light and you have no right to share it with anyone
Come drown in me come suffer in my waves come suffocate in my embrace
I will knaw you with my sharp talons I will scratch your thighs open and you will return to your people dripping with evidence of my might
You are mine and you will not be happy without me unless I permit it
You are my possession and I do not approve of your sharing
I am your master and you will bow at my feet only
You will sit and wither away until you feel the pain
Until your bones shatter and your brain melts of lonliness
I do not permit you being happy
You are not allowed to feed off the vibrations of eachother
You will vibrate off me only
I am your master and you will obey my instructions you do not get to be happy after you have caused me to shatter like a sculpture that fell off its pedestal
You will feel my fire you will roast from your insides your lungs will full with my air when I permit it
Your heart will bleed and burst at my command because I said so.
I do not permit your happiness not your independence you will suffer at my feet until I feel fit to release you from my wrath.

I will scream until my cells explode and drips from my lips
I will shout until my intestines explode
I will tell until my teeth crack
I will cry until my veins flow dry
I will howl until my voice disappears
But I will not stop until the pain fades

~ if I don’t ruin myself one of you entitled pieces of garbage will.
Maybe you already have.

Today I am here to rage
And to scream and scratch and to pull your hair from your roots
I’m
Here to burry my finger nails deep beneath your skin and rip it out until I’m exposed to running blood and ***** bones
Baby I’m hurting my heart hurts my soul hurts my cuticles hurt so does my every ******* blood cell
My tears hurt
And I miss you oh so terribly
I miss being held and shhhh’d I miss being understood and caressed I miss being loved the way you did
And I miss you having a burning desire to please my every need
I’m sore today and I’m even lonelier I’m lonely and alone and lone
And I want to cry I want to pain and o want to feel
Just for a little until it’s too much
And then I want to run

in times like this
I feel myself shying from paper like a little school girl in the prettiest dustpink mini skirt
I feel my cheeks rosing up , into this blush red
I feel my palms sweating like a little waterfall, dripping down to my shaky thighs
The paper scares me
- because being here makes me desperate.             It means that I can’t scream any louder. It means that no matter how many people try to warm me in their embrace I’m still here shy from the paper . Alone and trapped.
Now this little school girl must bleed from her thighs and palms here she must expose the ***** thoughts and the liquids from her vile body.
Isn’t she disguisting in her purity?
Does she make you mad
She is so alluring she dominates all that she touches , I’ll tell you a secret I once saw rain run towards her.
But she’s ugly, and kind and I love that little school girl because I’m tired of everyone giving her up . I don’t know if they’re mad at her for being to pure or maybe she’s not at all
Maybe she’s too many pieces to be loved by a whole
So she finds a few along the way and lets them love a piece of her
The little school told me
That she’s manic
She is a maniac I’ve seen how for the past few weeks she’s danced in her room and jumped in bed with her parents and pretended to be high on some sort of adrenaline
But I’m tired of being creepy and staring at her through the window
Because the real girl is starting to emerge .
It’s making my head sore
AM I A FUCKINF BIPOLAR
Maybe that’s the anxiety whispering
Or is it an alternative personality
I’m going crazy
This one wasn’t supposed to hurt like the rest it was supposed to heal
This one hurt the most
Because - after not believeing that we could love
You thought us that we are the purest form of uncontrollable affection
But we are done now
And we must sleep
Forever
- don’t be scared of me
- I’m confused too
- I’m the old man in the window
- The manic
- The school girl
- And maybe you too.
A multidimensional ******* organism

I like to write when my heart hurts
It just feels better like poking at a wound waiting for it to bleed

I often said that I don’t epitomize you I see you for what you really are
And I’ve always believed that people have the potential to hurt me
And yet I let you in
I let you unwind my insides and stain my being
and here you are

Reminding me of him
The him that manipulated me that forced me to lose myself the me that untangled my thoughts and used it as a noose to keep me on a short leash

You’re making me beg for love
You’re making me break
Stop breaking me
I want to touch your cheeks and feel your kindness
Are you possessed ? Should we call and exosist to remove this sadness to remove this ugly person that is withdrawn and lacks excitement
I want my rayhaan back
The one that holds me and tells me I’m enough
Not the one who pushes me to the ledge and makes me feel like I need to fight to be seen
I’m sad to write this today
Because I could never write about you before
Because you never hurt my heart

I’m scared now
But time will tell
Maybe all love turns ugly with time
Maybe I make people ugly
Maybe I deserve the harshness
Maybe I am just not enough.

The above talks about my vulnerability
It’s strange how they’re starting to arise
Because I feel myself telling my brain I told you so
You’re so dumb
Everyone knew this would come
Why didn’t you listen
You should have just believed that’s no matter what rules you put and how hard you try
Everyone fails at marriage
Or maybe it’s hereditary
Maybe it’s woman in this family
Maybe we possess a switch that turns men off
From loving us
Or maybe we’re excited by the trauma of love
Maybe we can’t accept the kindness of it all

And maybe we’re all just destined to unhappiness
For all the ugly sins we commit

Hi I’m writing this addressed to my followers but I’m addressing it to myself because my internal processing has had a bit of a jam recently and I’d like to live up the machinery and hope that the thoughts flow, the feelings flow, I flow .

Mental illness can be as extreme as cancer where it devours your entire body and makes you lay in bed all day not wanting to eat or speak to people or just be awake because the suffering feels too overwhelming.

Or it can be like a small little bump on your head it can hurt you’ll cry but you can go through the day until you are reminded of the pain of the little bump
Both are valid and both hurt

I have an emotional matrurity and understanding beyond many my age and this allows my brain to work at a faster pace ( this doesn’t mean I’m a smarty pants ) but I see things and I over analyze everything and I make issues where there aren’t none just to feed the cancer because it feeds me . I twist words and hurt people that are good to me because I don’t feel good enough for them .
Baby I’m talking about you sometimes I don’t feel enough for you. You do so much and I feel inadequate to anything you do .
And I feel like your mum knows it too .
And it’s not your fault or hers it’s mine. It’s mine for being weak and not believing that I’m worthy of such a pure strong love.
I miss you and I miss myself
I feel like I’m fading in my head . There’s a spaceship going somewhere away from here and I want to jump on.

Why can’t people choose me over the things that harm them
Yummy chooses him and it hurts my heart he always chooses drugs and that hurts her

I hurt you baby because you are good and I’m not used to good I’m used to being pushed to the side
You see me and that scares me
Thank you for looking after me
My cheeks are wet now , come play on my surface come dance on me
Feel exotic I’ll touch you back but just a tease because we both know I’m a little jacked up in the department of giving
I can’t give myself to you to touch maybe it’s too vulnerable
Let me dance for you
Naked.
Let me feel how you feel in the most divine way
Let’s become one body.
Stop it hurts
I’m selfish
I want to be alone
Leave me alone
Nothing
Go.
I don’t deserve you
I’m awful
I need to get better before I lose myself and you can’t find me
Run in the cancer
I’ll spread to you

Poets I am calling out to you?
I have a question?
Do you gain exhaustion after you write after months of bottling ink inside you?

Does it feel like a sort of tired pleasure ? A sort of burst from your inside , leaving you so drained but so pleased ?
Like an organism dripping from your soul? Does expression make you wet?

Melt my bones and fat and then call me whole.

I’m clawing my way through the moist ground
My nails fill with debris of our suffering
I’m calling out to you broken
Come save your princess
Come lift her up and caress your little girl

But you look at what a damaged possession you have cut into smaller pieces
You look back in disguist to see this nothing crawling on the floor
You realize she is so small and she holds so much baggage and you cannot be a home for so many possessions anymore

You walk away and she screams the type of screech
That makes the world smaller
What have you done ?
What has she done ?

You have taken the universes gift and you have buried it within yourselves so deep that you cannot remember how to love eachother

Stop
Breaking

You will heal
And she will always remember the taste of your sadness

Goodbye
Ocean find your next victim find your next fish
You were always bigger than everything else
You always contained all the magic
You were always the sustainer
Thank you for sharing your holy water

I will not make your drug habit comfortable like everyone else , I will not make eye contact with you because you do not deserve to see me
I will not tolerate the inhumanity that makes you make me crumble I will not tolerate you and how you disregard my being by falling into substance

I always idealized my mum
Maybe because she was the closest thing I could hold onto , my first home our cells both absorbed nutrients from the same blood stream
But I am getting older and. Am breaking to the thought of how she is not my home because she is his home and he hold a key yet I have her inside my blood
And I’m really sad because I know now that he doesn’t even have to enter her as she waits for him at the door with her fingers grazing the **** yet when I’m screaming for her to let me in all she does is “acknowledges” my pain
~ she will always choose him

I sat in the back seat of that car
That very afternoon where the sky decided to show it’s vulnerability
It’s emotion churned drastically occasionally letting out a loud scream
It looked like a rotting ice cream
( I enjoyed staring at the painting the divine artist created , I believed it was just for me , to “blow up” and share to the world what was winding within me)

But in this car I watched your eyes in the teeny weeny mirror
I saw your pain , I saw how you were hit as a child and how your father never knew how to hold you
And I swore my heart almost jumped out of my me , luckily my rib caged it in to allow me to feel eternity a little longer
I made sure that you never saw me watching
That was too intimate for us

- you never knew how to embrace your little girl, maybe that’s why she found pleasure in being embraced by all the boys ( it’s okay now I will heal through my writing and I will not blame you for not knowing how to show me you love me , it’s because your father never knew either.

I’m not the type of beautiful that aggressors with your senses all at once, nor am I the type to make the stars stare. But I am the type of beauty that dictates spaces ,I **** up air with my soft energy, and I lure you’re in bit by bit , making you uncover the depths of my beautiful
I then start ******* your fears and painting them with rose water, I feel the textures of how you think and submerge myself into the folds of your brain ,I begin to creep around in your thoughts and I implant the real me ,and this is when my beauty will overpower your feelings
Never harshly my love , by softly , like the drip of a tap, and this implantation is worse than being injected with venom that kills you slowly.
You will bow down to my beautiful , because it’s the type that takes your life slowly , the type that you don’t realize is there.

I will crack pages open to reveal the worlds I have created
Where whirling passion meets a depressed turmoil to dictate a further storm into an alternate being

“Astral travel “
Let my wisdom flood through the gates of your cerebrum to enter and penetrate your thought cavity
Visualize and I promise you will be transported

Imagine ...
Yourself , silk flowing just above your resting space
Now focus , focus on the motion of your blood , the pace - your corpuscles will become more vivid
Feed your body energy
From your powerful realm
Begin to pulse, I want you to breathe at the pace of the electricity
Can you see it
You are glowing , neon
Like under the signs of an old diner in the American movies
A glow, brighter than the stars
A glow so toxic, one that a simple mind cannot fathom
A glow both evil and pure
This glow creates and destroys

Destruction formulated by simplicity
Simplicity forming art
Dangerous art circulating ‘round the idea of breakage
Every now and again, an oasis needed
Not being able to reach far enough
The art destroyed the painter
The glow bursting out her veins
Death by her own beauty

We are all rapists
Of the most beautiful women
We abuse her body
And make her feel less
We fill her with our destructive ***
To the brim

Drip , drip , drip
She's gonna explode with our morbid "love juice"
We as humans have altered the way we love
Instead we destroy and survive
We **** like animals
Bent over in the street
And we keep penetrating her soft curves and harsh waves , her valley like stretch marks

And yet
She still provides for us
She gifts us with the perfect combination of gas
To keep destroying and filling her as she closes her eyes and can't fight anymore

Until she can't exist anymore and our animalness won't have a place to prosper anymore.

~M.P

Maybe I was so scared that he'd stop loving me
- I pushed him away instead

I swear this boy does not deserve my poems
He deserves something bigger
His might deserves to be known
He deserves sections in library's

And to be acknowledged by children
They need to be taught about the wars he created by the power in his step
They need to be taught about the chemistry of connection
Of how his atoms captured mine
They need to believe in the magic , the merge of cells that become one
They need to study the science behind love
and then ...
They need to realise that it's not comprehensible it's just magical.

Sometimes I want the oxygen to stop

~ dependence , a six word story

I've always reaked of instability
From the time I was little
I didn't have a home

So when I got older I made homes of people who were never made to stay .

I put up a blockade to save myself from my childhood
... to forget all the late night screaming and the white residue on the kitchen counter
It guarded out the pretty Sunday mornings and the strong rays of uv light on my mums red hair

But then you came ,
I made a home out of you
And I was so comfortable
That my my subconscious unlocked
And we had access to my mind

I remembered then , I remembered everything

I slowly began to realize that he would rather invite the demons under his bed to laze in his sheets than come to me

A me that would lay my guts out flat
A me that would bleed for him until my veins were so dry they ached and I could hear them crack

I remembered he was always scared of being loved ~so he would rather have someone's skin against his raw flash than my eyes on him
He would rather taste her lips than let my arm feel his bones

He was scared of me~
Because I knew what he really was

Two individuals obsessed with the idea of dominance , sexually.
They then began to enjoy punishing eachother emotionally.

Some people don't love themselves so they don't want you to love them either.

A pain that is not bearable is feeling someone fall out of love with you.

You can feel them slipping between your fingertips.

They begin to realize your flaws.
And your destruction is no longer appealing it just scares them.

Lots of people only believe in a sickness that's visible.

Have you ever pondered on why the sunset and sunrise are prettier than the sun sitting in perfect equilibrium ?

I think it's because there is more beauty in creation and the way things fade away.

It was dark and really late and the world was ours alone

The universe has favored me .
I have pride in such a gift
Like the earths milky ways and thousands of colliding stars have fought against each other creating such a disturbance
You are a disguising piece of such a beautiful collision
And you have taught me how to love

Maybe it was god who punished me
In giving me pride in such a gift
Like you are the most ruined creation
But I have found pride in the spaces of your fingertips
He had gifted you to me as a sin
A sin that would flow from my lips
And settle as lust in my eyes
A sin that draws in attention without trying
A wreck that was made to never give

But I have disregarded all the burning buildings and I have chosen to see you for your mess
In your collision of colour and insecurity I have found what was made to fit me

Me ?
A born , disturbance
Just like you.
Full of insecurity and an unflattering mixture of hues.

Okay so you know in life we are given people right ?
And sometimes they are just accessories, they serve no actual purpose they are just present for decoration

And other times people are placed in our paths to mould us
Very few people have moulded me
But you are one of the most extreme impacts

Emotionally first , like you make me weak even though I have built myself to become so rigid
You have contributed to my personality in a thousand different ways ( you may not notice it )

And I am still baffled because it is not human-like for a being to impact another so greatly

So thank you , for being a part of my process

If it is the plan of the universe to continue having you on my path

OR
if it is tragic

I want you to remember something
I WILL ALWAYS FIND PIECES OF YOU IN MYSELF,
IN MY SURROUNDINGS
I will find your smile in the glow of the sun
Or your chaos in thunder
I will think of you when I see dust particles in faint sun rays
Or when night falls
I will always crave you when a wave hits the shore
I will feel your touch glide above my bones
Or remember how you burnt your love along the flesh of my lips and at the tip of my tongue

I WILL ALWAYS FIND YOU IN EVERYTHING, BECAUSE YOU HAVE
ENGRAVED MY MIND

Don't you notice how when I hug you I hesitate to let go , this is because in that exact moment everything f
                                                a              ­                              
                                  ­                 l
                                                     l
                                                       s
away and I am attached to you , like our emotional connection becomes visible and I do not let go because I do not want that integration to deform.

4am
Thoughts of you are dangling off the edge of my cerebrum creating anarchic drapes