my soul is in another dimension
these thoughts are floating in space,
fingertips frozen in place,
and my heart is encased in a steel cage;
my key has been thrown away.

i can't reach my reality
it hovers in front of me,
pleading to be caught.

it's too far to grasp.

        i'm afraid i'll never reach it.

honey suckle runs through my veins.

i am adrift,
she approaches me,
brightness glowing around her.

her arms reach out,
touching my brittle ***** body,
replenishing the strength i never had.

i cry tears of joy;
redemption is here.
the light has been restored.

i am renewed.

I wake up to a heavy chest
A heavy heart and a heavy head
I want to text you back
But I can't force myself to move
I sit up and put my head between my knees
Regretting the stupid things I did the night before
Wondering where my self-care went
Yes I'm still working out and meditating
But I also haven't been sober for awhile
I know the drugs make me sad
And I know they make me overeat
Which in turn makes me feel bad
So why can't I just stop?
Why can't I just feel this pain?
Why do I have to drown it out
In liquor and THC?
I feel so lost
I don't know who I am
I don't know how to feel anything
Without hurting myself again

It became the norm;
it didn't change overnight
but slowly and surely,
it became a habit.

A night out drinking
became drinking in alone
and a twisted tea
turned into half a bottle of *****.

No one noticed how bad it got,
that alcohol was missing
and I was constantly hungover
healing that with more alcohol.

I woke up
not able to handle my thoughts
not wanting to see the chaos
I created called my life.

Going out to drink with friends
became a weekly tradition
but drinking alone
became a nightly tradition.

Sneaking juice and ***
or Jack and Coke
whatever I could get my hands on really
just to calm my head.

To numb the thoughts
and chaos
that I made
to shut out the world.

A few nights out
with excuses of parties
became mixed
with nights alone in my room.

Doing shots
chugging mixed drinks
praying I wouldn't get sick
but knowing I would.

Just for those few hours
of nothing,
the numbness
of shutting my brain off.

Blacking out was rare
so I was never ready when it happened
always wondering
what happened in those hours lost.

Not knowing how to stop
becoming irritable without it
seeing the signs of addiction
not recognizing myself in the mirror.

Knowing I had to stop
and wanting to stop
were two different things
until she said those horrible words.

I cleaned up my act
pouring the hidden bottles down the sink
those words working better
than cold water to the face.

it seems as though i am dying right before my very eyes.
This unkempt body doesn’t know when to stop rotting,
and this ungodly frame is no longer gilt in sunlight,
nor gray underneath an empty moon,
it looks like a skeleton,
decayed and laid to rest beneath a hill of grieving people,
lost to the spell i cast from these highways of depleted veins,
from these rivers of tendons that don’t ripple anymore.
I cant breathe anymore,
my body has forgotten the air and how it swims,
because now it is just sinking and sinking and i refuse to open my mouth,
refuse to drown my lungs in fear the water will weigh me down and leave me there,
at the bottom of a forgotten seabed,
just drifting - a floating fragment.
But i suppose i am already gone,
too consumed by nothing more than my guilt of refusing to live.

i'm not really sure that i'm alive
i know that blood pumps through me
and that my heart pulses
but i'm only spectating
sometimes i can't even see
and it's blurry
sometimes i can't even feel
and i'm floating
sometimes i can't even think
and i'm foggy
so what am i?
a ghost of the child i was years ago?
the decomposing remains of my innocence?
a shell of what i should be?
the last piece of being that i am before i fully dissolve?
a detachment of my fragile body?