Stuck in the past like every single person who enters will be just like him. I wonder why I'm so forgiving but I swear I don't wonder about my trust issues. I have every right to not believe an "I love you" when it approches me. I laugh at apologies. I swear at the world. Because. Why. The. ****. Not. I'm broken but you aren't allowed to call me that. I'm drowning but you aren't allowed to save me. Tie bricks to my ankles baby I like it. Scream in my ear baby I ******* like it. Hold me down I like it.
Let me scream.
Let me drown.
Let me break.
Let me fall.
I'm stuck in the past by everyone who has come in my life but all I see is you.
I always used to wonder why you were so cold. I wondered why you never left your room and why you could never be seen. I remember the night I listened into your room and you spoke so lightly. It had been months since I heard your voice so clear. You said "take me I'm ready"
I asked God why he made you so sad. I asked God why he let this man do this to me. I asked God why you held that rope so tightly.
I remember the first time I ever cut my wrists, it was crimson and bliss. I asked God why he let me do it. I asked God why he let you do it.
I remember watching you pop them like tic tacs. I watched how fast you could clean the house. How fast you moved, talked, and how loud you screamed.
I asked God why you didn't want me. A man answered back with a hand. I asked God why I deserved that. I asked him to not let you go.
I remember when I sat outside your door asking for a hair dryer. I knocked for 10 minutes. When you finally came out I saw the look on your face. I asked God why you wanted to die. I asked God why I did too.
I remember when you got taken away and I eventually stopped asking God such things.
The heartbroken always become the heartbreakers. If you don't agree, spend the night with me.
I'm sorry that I will find myself more in broken skin and ****** blades than I will ever find myself in another human being
I'm sorry that the bottom of the bottle holds every type of emotional bond I've ever felt with another soul
I'm sorry that "I love you" is never enough because my hands will never only pull your skin in closer and my hands will never only write about your breath taking, infatuating kiss
I'm sorry. I'm truly, inconveniently sorry.
But I will fall asleep with the smell of your hair wrapped up in my lungs only to be awaken by the choking I feel without you next to me
And I will spread my torn up broken pieces all over your bed sheets while you rub my head mumbling I love you's like you're talking to an incoherent second grader because what is love if you are never going to be loved back
because shortening your name is more acceptable than screaming I love you,
because telling you to be safe is easier than begging for you to drop your walls and let me in
because writing words about how my love fades for people as fast as candles go out in the rain is easier than love itself but maybe I haven't been in love since my last heart break and maybe I know you can bring an end to the cold and bring warmth even in the snow and I know your lips could be the last lips I ever kiss but the last of anything is the first of something and I want my only last to be at the bottom of a couple bottles
And everything's perfect and everything's okay but now she keeps saying she's fine do you know what fine means fine means she can't bring herself to push the blade a little deeper therefore she's just fine because she know she isn't gonna die tonight.
Because when they ask how you are they're only asking so it's not on their conscience when your moms on the phone crying because you weren't just fine anymore and you crossed the ******* line and you pushed that blade a little ******* deeper and you took all your moms oxy and you swallowed all the ***** and now you're 6 feet under and your mom keeps telling everyone that you were the perfect daughter but when you were alive she couldn't even make eye contact with you
I learned that love was sarcastic and love yelled when love wanted to.
I learned that love wasn't always happy but it was always beautiful.
I learned that the way love screamed your name at the top of its lungs and the way love laughed at your jokes even when they weren't funny that love really loved you.
I learned that love can come in many different forms, love can be peaceful, love can be hectic, but nobody can define love because it's never the same no matter where you go.
I learned that love doesn't always last and when love leaves love doesn't have mercy on your heart, love drags a blade across your chest and leaves you to drown in it.