1:19am again

spine curls into a question mark
hands sing sonatas of symbols
while head keeps track of seconds passed
and days lost

toes tuck absent-mindedly into socks
shy and scared of being sought
for hiding in such a place
their secret hideaway in sleep

hearts still thumping
says goodnight to bloodstreams
with quiet pulsing kisses

bathes the rest of body
in thin coats of keep steady

ready to deliver dreams
fated to their impermanence

It's easy to let glass stain from holding it up to the sun
to look through and see how pretty it looks in the light
you don't really register the change in colour
before the ink starts to taste different
and your tongue can't be held responsible

I took care of all the promises our younger selves crafted so carefully
blew them through straws into the waiting room for belonging
somewhere further down the line
speckled with all the possibilities the older us would follow through
bring to fruition with all the worldly knowledge we intended to collect along the way
scribbled down in patchwork scrapbooks
feathered with sketches of our pink penthouse apartment
outlined in crayon
cemented with glitter glue and grins

"best friends forever" can hold the same weight
as your last "I love you" to the wrong person

we don't talk about those ages anymore

when in each others company
we now engage in polite conversation
dances with small talk
punctuated with weak smiles and a pause

until the years catch up
bubble at the surface of old videos and photographs
bathed in laughter and "remember when"s aplenty

and we sit comfortable in knowing
we will never make new memories
as the us we have grown into

but the locks to the old one will never change
they'll always fit the keys we cut

together

the earth swallows me whole
daily
with her morning multivitamins

trees take hold of both my arms
until I start to mimic branches
unintentional

my leaves scatter with every step
as far as my eyes can see

the blossoms in my brain
grew locks of coiling tendrils
until strings of twisting ivy,
tipped with their favourite poison,
played canopy in patterns pitched above it.

I write myself reminders to water all the crops
I tried so hard to sew all those years ago

sometimes the watering can trickles
when it can't find the will to pour

but it's okay

the soil never fails to soak up
all the sugar it can take
on the good days

push down-
claws tighten around thinning arms
heavy-
grasp until they graze the bone
sinking-
no bandaging to camouflage a scar
branded by burning red worry in waiting
slow-
no cure for calming relentless waves
slow-
a recipe for burdening left to cool
as eyes glaze over with inconsistency
slow-
back broadens until shoulder blades realign
slow-
muscles take their time to redefine
themselves amongst the plethora of shrinking cells
slow

slow

stop.

collect the fragments flung beneath floorboards
piece together the puzzle once again
and sit
patient
silent
for the imminent swell

strum my heartstrings of uncertainty

pluck petals from the family tree

to be the bud that tentatively grows
it's own unique new melody

from the first note struck
on broken bars

in our parents
patented symphony

I inhabit my silent cave with soft ease
welcome it's embrace
to mould its temporary shell
encased around my shape
leaks seep through with the ceiling cracks
from too many layers of alabaster

hide buckets and bowls inconspicuous
the lakes dare reflect their hits and misses
the floor a constant magma
and the sky too low to stretch steps on a spine

tracking the navigation of a falling sliver
always seemed so simple
now all they do is pool
on barren cheeked horizons
tips of icebergs
on frozen stranger

a lukewarm promise uttered
beneath blankets
under covers

"I will" becomes "I won't"
a fading memory of don't
forget to try

creep back inside
deny it's absence
"never mind"

how slowly does a hope unfold
sheets as thin as angel hair
whose seams get used to growing old
and break the back of taking care

this time
cup with both your hollow palms
let them trace pathways
crave trails too tough to wander down

make maps of nooks and corners
crevices and borders
holding back floods
of handheld dams

begging
breathing

release