I became everything
You weren’t for me.
You left the door open
Sure that the next would close it
On their way in,
But it took years
For me to grow tall enough
To reach the handle my **** self.
I opened it again
Years later
To walk out
Something I can be proud of.
I spent time in the dark
Afraid of the storms within
Wondering when you’d return.
But the day I realized you wouldn’t
Was the day
I became
A woman myself.
A proud, **** woman.

She has brown eyes.
Amber and tired.
Flecked with gold
And cautious ambition.
They pass over you a moment,
Before getting lost once again
In her own shrouded world.
You hold that gaze
After it has since long past
Wondering what she thought,
What she saw,
If anything.
Are you to her a muse,
A distraction of the mundane?
Or simply backdrop,
Immersed within the bustling
Yet uninspiring scene?
She has brown eyes,
And she sees right through you.
But can you see into hers?
As you ponder about,
You catch her eyes,
Gleaming yet dilute
Within the sunlight,
Caught just right
Within the honey rays.
And that’s when you notice,
That her eyes are also green.

I always swam
In the Atlantic
As a kid
But never crossed it
Until now
And now that I am
How I long
To have only
Touched the surface
Instead of cross it
Because you are not
Waiting for me
On the other side

It's 3:45
Or 20:45 your time
Or 21:45
The last place I was
And it's crazy
Each mile
That comes between us
Makes my heart
Grow that much heavier
And all I can think of
Is crawling in
To your awaiting arms
And how you hold me
So dearly
So tightly
Just the way
I need to be held.
Your gaze
And how it feels
Like it holds me
Completely transfixed
In your eyes.
Home is currently
1725 mi away
And I am terribly
Homesick
For you.

I came home to the apartment today,
and was frustrated at everything being so still.
I wasn't used to everything
being exactly where I had left it,
No change having occurred in my absence.
And that was so frustrating,
as it reiterated the fact
that you were no longer here,
but somewhere else,
far away, at least,
far away enough
to where your life circle
did not intermingle in mine,
thus creating my life
to be still and silent.
We hadn't been still
since the moment
we first walked through that door
with only the cat and a box of clothes,
and how warm and exciting that was
for the both of us.
We didn't stop moving,
not until now,
with everything so quiet,
so still, you'd think our
apartment was a museum.

I'm actually not okay,
and I don't know how to tell you that
without you worrying,
because I don't want to cause you stress,
but I'm sinking.
And I don't know if you
can rescue me from
my own waters.

So I sit here
drowning in my own silence
while you pass around the plates
with your family
and I'm in this ******* empty room
and I hate the color of these walls
that suffocate me
until I'm gone.

I'm not okay,
and I don't know how
to tell you.

So I try to preoccupy my mind
with memory of
the cat and the box of clothes..

We sat there
in the lukewarm green water
all sense of time stopping
in its tracks.
In the murky emerald depths,
you couldn't see where I stopped
and you began.
Our limbs mimicked
knotted tree logs
in a still lagoon.
And all was silent.
There were no rushing waters
no waves wooshing past
not a single drop stirred.
All was still.
And in that moment
with you and I
entangled in one another
in an earthy warm bath,
I found my serenity,
my zen,
in you.

And in a  quiet, half-lit room,
alit by both the sun and moon,
I let your image in my mind,
take over almost all my time.

And there, my mind, preoccupied,
will not stray with matters outside,
I'll think sweetly of your soft lips,
and how I wish to taste each kiss.


And when the moon succeeds the sun,
and the time for dreams has begun,
I'll lay in my cold, empty bed,
Wishing you close, alone instead.

I want to taste your constellations
Freckling your galaxy
I want to feel
Your sunburst kiss.
Guide my hands
Around your orbit
Where I can drift
For eternity.
I am your satellite.
Your daybreak smile
Constantly in my head
Running revolutions
During my day.
I could get lost
In your cosmic gaze.

We stood there
As steady as willows
The wind howling
And tears streaming
You confessing
You kissed him
My heart breaking
His lips caressing
Your rose petals
Some hard as a rock ****
His body better suited
At shielding yours
From the tormenting stares
Of disbelieving onlookers
And all was silent
Except for the cracking
Splintering of my heart
Like a hundred year old oak
Fighting its last storm.
And so I ask you
Is his hands better suited
At caressing
Tressing your hair?
Is his body better suited
To form to yours at night,
When the storm bellows
And you can't hide?
Is his lips better suited
To kiss yours goodbye
As sweet as sunshine
Promising better when
The morning comes
And those same lips
That kissed your betrayal
The night before
Return with a love anew?
Tell me, is his name
As sweet-sounding
As mine was
When he says he loves you
And you return it,
Making the statement his
Repeating his name
Again and again and again
Until it becomes tattooed on your tongue?
Tell me this,
And I'll disappear
Just like the storms you hid from
Each night
I held you closer
And I'll disappear
When the sun arrives
When he arrives
And there will be storms no more.

She fell in love so easily,
She fell in love so fast.
And I, well I took my time
In fear I would relapse.
But her love was unlike any other,
Her love was like the sun.
So warm and comforting I found myself
Wishing she were the one.
But my mind is screaming "Hey! Hold on!"
My mind is saying "Be cool."
It's hard enough to fall for someone
Without ending up the fool.
And so I love her from a distance
I love her with a cautious hand,
She's the fire I want to touch,
But will not get burned again.

It's different here,
Being in a new city.
Not many people know my name,
Less know my face.
It's raining tonight
And the window's open
And I like to listen.
The traffic has died down some
But the constant roar
Of plane engines ensue through the mild darkness.
No one's home
And that's alright
Sometimes I like to just sit by myself
And think.
I wonder what you're up to tonight
I wonder if you still take as long
To hop in the shower
As when you did
When I was sitting in your bed
Waiting for you
Or if you simply go right in
With no procrastination.
I wonder what song you'll sing
If no one is there to hear it
And that's kind of terribly sad to think about
Because I know how
Your smile creeps up on your lips
When you do say the words.
It's such a beautiful thing to experience.
Sometimes in the lulls of our conversations
I immerse myself in the thoughts of if you really like me
Or think I'm too intense
Because I know I am
And I don't want you to be thrown off by it
I know you think it comes off
As if you aren't reciprocating and
It's not that I think that
It's just that that's my worst fear
Because rejection is immensely painful
Especially from somebody
I'm so intense about.
So while you're washing off the long languidness of today
And I'm laying in bed
Waiting for your reply
I'll listen to the engines roar
Thousands of feet above me
And you as you sing a song
No one's ears will hear.

You are an island
and I am the sea,
but somehow, ironically,
I am enveloped in thee.

Who am I?
And who are you?
And how did it end up
Just us two?

Why you are you,
And I am me,              
And it seems like this    
'Tis but a dream.

So tell me then,
O wise Supreme
If 'tis but a dream,
Then where are we?
                  
Well, don't ask me,
I am not the maker.
'Tis your dream sir,
And you are Its creator.

Well certainly if
That was true,
I'd at least pick someone more
Knowing than you.

Oh sir, you jest!
You comical fellow
But can you make sense
of what you don't know?

Oh, you talk nonsense,
An amicable Fortunato!
Just tell me where the devil
We are stowed?

Ahh, yes perhaps my lips would be more willing
With a bottle of Amontillado, yes.
To be blunt with you sir,
We are simply dead.

Simply dead, are you mad?
That can't possibly be right!
Fie! Fie! I can't think,            
What a ****** night!
                                                          ­
****** night indeed my fellow man
For you stumbled out the tavern
And into my hands.
'Tis alright good fellow, no fretting now,
For 'tis almost time, any moment now.

Time, sir?
What could you possibly mean?
Time for what?

Time for whom.

What the devil do you mean?

Aye sir, you know very well
That time is a valuable thing,
And it seems

It seems?

That your time has tinged.

Tinged?

Indeed.

But you said 'tis a dream!

*Indeed, I did, and what a pity
It has become, 'tis but a dream      
You will never wake up from.

Tonight was quiet and cold

Like the first time

My mom and I got in a fight

And I sprinted out the door

Like a startled deer

Into the woods.

I crashed my way through the brush

Through thickets and slick mud

My ill-equpped, sneaker-enveloped feet

The only noise to be heard

Aside from my heaving.

I was not a natural soul.

I did not belong

With the branches and leaves.

If any life was there with me

It was startled away by my alien clamour.

I came home after dark

With raw, red knuckles

And a frigid pallor.

She did not wait up for me.

I was cold and quiet

Just like tonight.

And so was the storm

That washed away

My misplaced tracks.

And even though

Ten years have passed,

And those same trees

That watched over me

Like admiring parents

Are no longer here,

Tonight is the same

Measure of that icy solidarity.

For even though I am

Surrounded by life and lives

I am alone

In my room

Cold
And quiet.

And your smile
it rises like the sun
stretching far
across the beautiful planes
of your face.
It's so bright,
so beautiful.
I'd stay up all night
just to watch it
in the morning.

You're the one drinking,
but I'm the one drunk.

So in love
with being in love
that I love
the loveless.

Don’t let me fall for you

because I might do something stupid

like write stupid poetry about you

or stay awake at night and think of

the way your lips press together

when you’re thinking

or talk about you to a friend

like you’re actually mine

or message you constantly

about how I miss you

and how beautiful you look today

or be your shoulder to cry on

when you’ve had a bad day

or go out of my way

to do random favors for you

to make your life easier.

Do not let me fall for you,

because it never ends up

very well

for me.

I pushed you away
My words the current that grabbed you
Your footsteps the waves dragging you out to sea
You didn’t stop drifting.
My last cries out were lost in the roar of the ocean
Made up of all your tears
Spent on the lonely nights you were awake without me
I was just your anchor
And you were drowning in a sea of complicated masked misery
I stood on my solid shore
The familiar sand all I had ever known for years before you
And watched you sail away from me
On your broken raft of broken hope
It’d get you far enough away, at least
The moonlight on your back,
Your cheeks tearstained and puffy
You left this shipwrecked heart of mine
Almost swallowed whole
In the absence of the moon
When you crossed over the horizon
I kissed the image of your back goodbye
A soft, salty kiss
When you reached the horizon your strength finally broke
You slipped into the cold black water
But I’m no life guard

I couldn’t save you.

You wake up
Every day
A struggle
Every morning
Harder to crawl out
The safety of your covers
The only place
You can truly be alone
And cry in painful silence.
You land on your knees
Because it’s too painful
To stand on your own two feet any longer
And you fell so long ago
Sinking to them
With no audible objection
Because you’re way past broken.
This is the cycle
The rut you’re stuck in
Hopeless and wandering
Never accepted
Never truly loved
By others or yourself.
It’s a word you’re scared of
More so than death
And it aches inside you
Gnawing at your weaknesses
Magnifying your flaws
And the hate you have for yourself
And society.
But this isn’t giving up.
Even though you are indeed at rock bottom
The pain of life you barely manage through
But you’re too much of a coward
To do a graceful thing.
Giving up
Is the most beautiful thing
Of which, you are incapable.
So you continue on
Just like every day before
And every day after
And after a while,
That single, graceful thought you once had
Of truly giving up
Fades away.