I gasp for a breath
Suffocating under
A cellophane sky
Unconsciousness
Feels like mercy
As I claw
At my throat
At my mouth

I am being
Pressed down
Saved for later
Between the pages
Of books you’ve
Never read

Your eyes are
Hollow-points
But I am
Bullet proof
And you know it
It’s why
Your hands are
Around my neck

I am desperation
A fool
With closed eyes
And an open heart
I let you in
When I should have
Locked you out.

Sometimes blue is just blue
And flowers are just flowers
Sometimes the meaning is hidden
Sometimes there is no meaning at all
Sometimes all of these symbols are wrong
Sometimes an apple really is an apple
And not a metaphor for sin.

You never believed in happy endings
A life lived clean
Was never in the cards for you
Your hands smear stains of blood and dirt
Into clothing layered with so much of it
You wonder if that’s all it is anymore
You wonder at how your heart holds together
With all of the pieces torn out of it
But it’s mended with alcohol, sewing kit sutures
And sheer force of will.
You are so tired of blood
You are so tired of being weighed down
By the force of your past
But it’s all you’ve ever known
And sometimes you wonder what it’s like
To look to the future
And hope.

You are a messenger in a bulletproof vest
Holding your palms out in surrender

You are flinch, twitch, and jump
At voices you can’t stand to hear

You are nails chewed ******
Nervous habits and red face

You are grit your teeth and bear it
When all you want is to be alone.

You are clawing fear under skin
And trying not to show it.

I struck the match
Watched it burn to my fingers
And let it keep going
I tried to light a fire
In my veins
In my heart
All I did was blister
And I can’t
Shake off these scars

I wrote a message
On each wall of my heart
But all it does is bleed
And I cannot take it out
And show it to you
My hands are red with trying
Digging around beneath my skin
For something I could give you
Some part of me
That you would want to keep
Now all I have are scars
And a heart that doesn’t
Beat the way it should.

Like a demon raised
From a hell I don’t believe in
A spike of heat to the heart
Burning up, out,
Pressing against your ribcage
Like something trapped
Dangerous
Choking on a sharp tongue
That jumps up
Shattering against
The teeth and lips
That hold it in
And the words fall
Unused and unwanted
From a fading smile
Piling up
The debris
Of a thousand things
Left unsaid.

I’ve made a place right here
For you to live
Curled just beneath my ribs
We were simply
Trying to live
In each others' back pockets
Buried in each-others' chests
The sensation of separation
Too much to handle
But it too became commonplace
We adjusted
Chests expanded
Allowing space, and time
And it’s comfortable here
This time
This place
It’s nice to know
That time and distance
Can’t separate us
Any more than
The separation
Of flesh and bone
Will make us
Different people
Through biology alone.

Swallow the things that break you apart
You know you’ve done something terrible
Like swallowing pills or drinking alone
But you can’t quite figure out
What exactly you’ve done to deserve this
And the pit of your stomach is hollow
Like the poison doesn’t fill you up
The way you thought it would
Like it’s eating away at you instead
Like everyone warned you it would
But it makes you feel warm,
And distant, and numb
Something rattles in your chest
And you think for a moment
There is some sort of bird
Caged in the space
Between your heart and lungs
That maybe you’ve poisoned it,
Maybe its wings are pinned to your ribs
Or that maybe it will never sing again
And the worst part of it is
You’re probably right.

Sometimes

Sometimes
It hurts.


Solar plexus hit
You break
You’re breaking
You’re broken
Harden the point
Make it count
Make it
The killing blow

You are strong
Enough
Strong enough
For this.


You think.

I write these words into your skin
Like a eulogy, like my dying breath
Like I’m hoping you’ll find comfort
Where really, there is none
Nails on a chalkboard
Bloodstains on the carpet
These unpleasant reminders
That tell me you’re not okay

The words roll off my tongue
Jagged and bitter
Sticking in the back of my throat
Like they don’t want to be said
But I know I need to say them
So I spit them at you
Like I’m breathing fire
And wish this didn’t have to burn

Like a ghost inside my own skin
Fading in and out
Like bad radio reception
The static cuts in
When I try to speak

and I’m yelling at you
Telling my secrets
Over broken radio waves
I could tell you anything
And you wouldn’t hear it anyway
But it’s safe this way, isn’t it?

I am cutting out
You are searching
For something better
To listen to
But you can’t find it
Can you?

Tomorrow,  like a distant sun
That you are hurtling towards
Only to find that when you get there
It’s not as hot as you imagined
Sometimes it’s burnt out
And the light you see is the echo
Of a million miles of your own false hope

Suns burn out slowly though
You could still have time to find your tomorrow
But you cannot move at the speed of light
Weighed down as you are by doubt
Dreaming is not moving forward
You cannot distinguish ground from sky
With your eyes closed
Stop dreaming, open your eyes
Find that dying light
And hold on.

You are the amplified heartbeat
Pounding through my head
Like hoofbeats, predicting a stampede
A wild thing, just tamed
Baring teeth at the hand that feeds
and slowly forgetting
That the blood singing in your veins
Was meant for more than cages.

Light a candle
For every memory
You can’t let go of

***** one out
For every faded scar
That you won’t let heal

Burn circles
Into the palms of your hands
To remind you this is real

You are still here
You are still here
Even if you don’t know
What that means anymore.

We are chasing the dark
Hoping it doesn’t
Catch us unprepared
If you go on the offensive
You can’t be surprised
By the shadows
Seeping in at the edges
We drink deep of this
Black black water
And hope to hell
It’s not too late
To save ourselves.

Can you sleep here
With the monsters
Watching from the shadows
We’re barely keeping away?
Is there any rest for us
Who aren’t quite good
But aren’t quite wicked either?
Is there light to burn away
The darkness we’ve been chasing?

The Machine parts in me have rusted
I am all creaking metal fatigue
And slowly splintering glass
I am not indestructible
I am not build to withstand
The storms I have weathered
But I have survived them
Maybe a little less intact
Than I was before
And each one wears down
Each part of me a little more
There are no spare parts here
And when one wears out
You have to learn
To live without it
Until you are nothing but
Jangling bits inside a
Worn down shell
A barely functioning
Version of what you
Once were
But then again you have
More storms to weather
Than you could know
After all,
They don’t make them
Like you anymore.

The gravity of your body
Is too heavy
Like there is more
Inside of you
Than your skin
Was meant to hold
It makes me think of
Comets, black holes,
And endless starry skies
You are your own constellation
You are my personal starry night
I will count the points of light
That shine out beneath
The thin skin of your wrists
Trace the memory of galaxies
Around the curves of your hips
This body is not your own
Except it is, it is
You are anchored within
By the gravity of your being
By the things you’ve done
And I, I am anchored to you
By sheer force of will.

Our bodies are torn up
By the weight of sunlight
Our skin cannot hold it out
And it bursts, white hot
From our fingertips
We are shattered
From the inside out
Our throats close up
On the words
That could save us
And there is not enough
Water in the world
To quench this thirst
Our bodies are
Consumed by light
We are brighter
Than the stars
But it burns through us
Like hellfire
And thousand degree days
Like we’ve swallowed
The core of the earth
And all we can do
Is feel the rapid
Burning in our veins
And hope it will last.

There are terrible secrets
Hidden in the curve of your lips
Your sins pushing against your teeth
And still, I can’t help but see
That they aren’t all you are
My own sins crowd my throat
Choking me, making me pay a debt
Of penance that will never be settled
Do any of us really
Deserve to be saved?
I don’t know, but then in the end
That’s really not up to us, is it?

We bleed, and fight, and suffer
For what? A world that doesn’t care?
A world that can’t see
The black creeping in at the edges
We aren’t heroes, never were  
we are damage control
We are “This won’t happen again”
We are sorry it happened at all
But we are here to pick up pieces
Not to stop things from breaking
If you knew what we knew
You wouldn’t thank us for saving you
You’d run as fast as you could
In the opposite direction
And no one would blame you.

Am I the drowned woman
Keeping the shore
At bay
As I float towards
Expanding seas
Wider than any land
I could set foot on
The sky is wider still
But then,
I’ve never
Been one to fly
And each point
of each sun
Burns into
My Skin
So I stay here
Underwater
If I am still
Enough
I could believe
I am floating
In the black
Vacuum of
A sky I will
Never really
Know.

I am musing on a dream
Where we’ve found ourselves drowning
And we are dragged from the water
Coughing and retching
Into the open skies
And we realize this is what life is
This is how we live
silently drowning
While we are saved repeatedly
By the rough hands of strangers
Or loved ones
Though sometimes
They are the same thing
We think the wrong thoughts
At the wrong times
It’s dangerous
Like swimming under ice
Especially when
There’s no one
To break through
To pull you to the surface
But we do it anyway
And maybe
That was the plan all along.

This is echoing forever
Footsteps in silent halls
Shattered glass on fresh turned earth

The first mark on freshly painted walls
Nothing stays new forever
List the ways innocence sours

Nightmares are dreams turned inside out
Shadowed hands plucking flesh from bone
What is hell but this and only this?

Forever echoing footsteps
In halls that were never silent
Nothing perfect stays that way.

I wish I could draw circles
Signs and symbols
And have you understand
That there should be
More to life than this

The mundane
The days found lacking
The words that mean nothing
There is more than this
There has to be.

I cradle my head in my hands
And wish on a higher power
I draw sigils on my skin
and hope they mean something
Hope they make me more
Than what I am.

They don’t,
They are nothing but inkblots
Open to interpretation
But nothing else
They are not important
I am not important

I cannot draw a line on the ground
And turn it into a wall
I cannot paint birds
And make them fly
I cannot stand in a circle
And be protected
I cannot call upon power
That I do not have.

I am not chosen or called upon
I just live in the world
I haven’t changed it
The marks I make are superficial
They can all be erased

I remember the way your eyes wanted to open, When you were still asleep
the rough taste of whiskey on my tongue smoke filtering in from the open window
I am  not dreaming now but maybe I was, once.
Maybe I could find that dream again
the one where we were incandescent, eyes lit up like supernovas,
and great wings sat heavy on our shoulders
but that dream is gone.
That dream was a lie.
It never existed.
You never existed.
Do maybe I am not here, maybe I am the imagining of some poor soul
Cursed to see this mundane spectre
This ghost of someone who was never really here in the first place.
But for now I sleep, I sleep and dream of things, indescribable
Things I cannot remember, things I do not want to remember
I open my eyes to the morning feel my muscles stretch
See my fingers silhouetted in the bright light streaming from behind sheer curtains
Yes, I am here, I am real, I exist
For now.

Your body is not a language
But I know it by touch
I’d know you blind and deaf
The whorls of your fingerprints
Are as familiar to me as my own
Sometimes I don’t know
Which is which
I find myself getting our
Bodies confused and tangled
Forgetting where your skin ends
And my own begins
Even when we are apart.
Am I another person
Are you?
Would we really want to be
So separate that
Our skin becomes our own?

Meanwhile your heart is in your throat
You’ve stepped into the middle of a conversation
And you don’t quite know where it’s going
But that’s kind of okay you guess
They are turning your face into wallpaper
And you fade and peel away under their apathy
But that’s still okay
You aren’t the type to burn bright and sudden
You are a slow burning candle, not a firework
And you figure, you can be okay with that too
You don’t need the flash, bang
You’re okay with flickering
But never
Quite
Going
out.

I.
I never did understand
   The race to the finish
After all
We’re all too small in the
       end

II.
I hang
  Floating
Like a mylar balloon
   Pressed to the ceiling
Deflating
For want of sky.

III.
The way to my heart
Is through my head
Since my brain
   Thinks
It’s in control.

IV.
Like an unfinished sentence
  We are all

You are not the ocean
Even if you feel as though
You are rising like the tide
Being turned away from
The shoreline and always
Coming back again and again

You are not the wind
But
You can still make goosebumps
Appear on skin
Or be the breath of
Fresh air someone needs

You are not a force of nature
You are so much stronger than that
So much bigger even if you
Still wish you were a hurricane
Something bigger than
You see yourself.

I want to speak
In the language of bright tomorrows
And the pressure of my fingertips
On your back

I want to breathe
The rain in the air
and the smell of dust
Melting from your hands

I want to feel
The softness of your words
And the sound of them
Resting in my ears

I want to be
The world after a storm
And all the glittering possibilities
I can see in the sky.

There is a spot
Just above my heart
Where I think
A knife would fit
              And I think
              If I aimed it right
              I could
              Sever the harness
                               That holds it up.

Hey bluebird
Fly away from here
You are too small
To weather this storm

Hey bluebird
Will you fly away from here
The sky is blue as you are
And I’ve locked your cage in fear

Hey bluebird
How are you singing
When your wings are clipped
And you can no longer fly?

Hey bluebird
Your colours are fading
Your feathers are shades of grey
I just can’t see blue any more

Hey bluebird
You’ve weathered the storm
Damaged and faded you’re singing
Maybe I should’ve just listened to you.

I don’t know if I believe that
We are all made of stardust or
Swirling galaxies of energy
I know that my skin isn’t
As thick as I’d like it to be
And the freckles on my body
Don’t make constellations
Unless you know how to
Connect the dots

I know that mountains and snow
Will always feel like home
No matter where I am
And I know that home
isn’t always in the same
Place twice

Sometimes you feel home
In waves, that make your heart
Feel lighter and heavier
At the same time
Sometimes it’s a moment in time
That you could spend your life
Trying to define

Home is a dream, a photograph,
a stretch of highway,
An acre of forest that you’ve
Never thought to explore
It’s somewhere you know well
And sometimes somewhere
You’ve never been before.

Here’s the thing
sometimes it’s not the hero
that rides off into the sunset
At the end of the story.
In this life
Sometimes the villains win
And there really are no
Happily ever afters
Just the day after
And the day after that

This storybook life
Isn’t really something
You can chase after
Because you can’t
Hold on to a story
You’ll realize this
As the words flow
Through your fingers
And your illusions
Are shattered
Over
and over
And over
Again.

That last thin thread of trust
Well it unraveled, It broke
Another friend,
Another love lost.
This is why
I stopped trying to hope
Prayers are meaningless
When they are not heard
And I will no longer
Ask for answers
Where there are none.
This world is crumbling
And you tried to do
The right thing
misguided as it was
I know that now.
Overreaching your place, your power
And finding it too much
You’ve redeemed yourself to me
A thousand times in my dreams.
And every night
That I look to the stars
They seem darker
Missing the one point of light
That fell down to me
and tried to stay.
You lit the sky once
And now I wonder
Are you really gone
Or just too far away
For me to see?
Are you a shooting star somewhere?
Will you come back to me?

This February sky is mad and beautiful
and I want to hold its stars in my mouth.
I want to cough them up into new constellations,
spit out the blackness
That gets caught in the back of my throat.
Feel the cold of the moon under my tongue
While the galaxies swirl in my stomach
twisting my insides into new knots
While I know that inside me
There is the potential to create
New worlds, new stars
I breathe in the light studded darkness
Close my eyes and see the night sky
That has made it’s home within me.
I may not be a constellation,
But I could be.

I sleep
I dream
I forget
Those moments of clarity
Of realization
And epiphany
Those moments where
For a second
I knew
I was whole and sane
Except I’m not
I’ve got demons
In my head
And the devil
I don’t believe in
Has been
Keeping me awake again

We pour alcohol like anesthesia
and pack salt into the wounds
Like one will help us forget
And the other will protect us
Except,
It’s never really worked that way
Not for us, never for us
We’re down as many times as up
And the shock to the body
Of sudden revival, rebirth
Isn’t really a shock any more
Don’t be surprised
When your prayers aren’t answered
It’s been a long time
Since any of us has believed
That angels were on our side.
God is watching, maybe
But that’s hard to believe
Maybe he’s the one
Making sure our faces
Are stuck in the mud
Making sure this black water
Creeps into every pore
Making new creatures of us
With too wide smiles
And aeons in liquid eyes
They’re swallowing us whole
Are we really
Going to just let this happen?
I thought not.

In this electric moment of sanity
I see everything as it is
I see the reality of things
With the beautiful haze stripped away
And when I blink, it is still there

I don’t know if the air I’m breathing
Is the same air that surrounded me
A moment ago, but it feels different
I feel heavier, like every step
Makes footprints in concrete

If I close my eyes for long enough
Sometimes it will go away
This clarity, this unrelenting realism
Maybe I’ll feel lighter again
If I close my eyes tight and think of flying

My life is this thing
You can crumple like paper
And you can’t see it
You ball it up in your fist
And disregard the consequences
Ignore the tearing sounds
And the red seeping
Between your fingers
Where the ink hasn’t dried
Don’t worry though,
I’ll unfold it myself
And try to smooth the edges
and mend the tears
It’s okay
I understand
It wasn’t important
To you anyway.

Hey don’t forget to dream
When the lights go out
Don’t let the turning of the world
Make you restless
Don’t let every wrong footstep
Leave its mark in your mind
You can’t erase the past
But you can hope for a future
That doesn’t leave you
Dreamless, Drifting, and lost
In a tide of missed opportunities
You are salt water
And the golden reflection
Of the sun on the sea
Pay attention to the sound
Of the water rising in your bones
As your breath rushes out
Like low tide
Leaving only those things
You no longer need.

We scraped our fingers over the ashes of our youth
Trying to gather all the pieces we left behind
Running toward the future
Carefully going crazy
Over every word we've ever said
Futilely grasping at every memory stripped away
Nostalgia is just a word
For memories we have yet to tarnish,
And people we didn't know we could lose.

My dear, my dear, my dear,
Say you are not afraid;
Say it so loud
That the doves in your body
Stop fluttering their wings,
So that you feel still
For one moment.
Sigh like a pack of wolves;
Dangerous in the right situations
But mostly more afraid of them
Than they are of you.
You worry that everyone
Reads what you are thinking
By the way your
Face colours itself
Like a sunset,
By the way the light fades
Out of you, slowly.
Close your eyes,
Steady the thrumming
In your chest
You are not afraid
You are not afraid
You are not afraid
Anymore

Maybe we should be kinder
Because everyone
Is scared of something

Maybe we should dream
Drink and laugh
Like we mean it this time

Maybe it’s time
we pulled the bodies
From our closets

Maybe it’s time we accept
That we can bury our past
And not mourn our future

Maybe we should live
Like dying doesn’t matter
Like we aren’t afraid

Of the Dark.

This ocean of things that I cannot change
Well it’s washing over me
And I’m breathing in water, drowning
Then dragging myself from the sea

Watch me save myself from the brink
Watch me feel the burn of air in my lungs
As I gasp, cough, and try to think
This ocean air is heavy

I still cannot breathe

There is a nest of birds inside my body
Trying to peck and claw their way out.
I can feel their wings beating
Bruises onto my insides

Their ever flapping wings
Stir my stomach into knots
That I can’t hope to untie.

Every time I try to speak
My mouth fills with feathers
And I have to swallow hard
Again and again
To keep from choking on them.

They’ve pecked holes in my mind
These restless creatures inside me
So that I can’t understand anything
The way I used to.

I know they are trying to escape
That they are trapped inside me
They mean me no harm, really,
still, most days I feel
More like the caged bird
than the cage itself.

Everything is so far away
And I can’t breathe
Like I used to
Fear
Like some large beast
Makes it’s home
On my chest
Crushing the air
From my lungs
I am restrained
By its weight alone
Trapped
Grasping
At air
And the ignorance
Of passersby

I can’t breathe
My vision
Tunnels inward
Black at the edges
The weight
Is too much
My ribs shatter
And my heart
Is cut to ribbons
but still pounds
Faithfully
In my chest
Even when
All I want
Is for it
To stop.

There is tragedy written in every line of your body
Like your skin is too fragile to hold all your scars
You breathe like you won’t get another chance to
Maybe you won’t, what do I know about it?

I can see you have a story for each and every wound
But you aren’t looking to tell the world
You know no one would believe you anyway
No one listens when you tell the truth
No one cares if you lie

You take one more breath, one more step
And hope it doesn’t all fade away
You were meant to go out brightly
The flames of a dying sun
It wasn’t supposed to be this way.

There is still dust under your nails
From acts of creation, of redemption
There will always be blood
Staining the lines of your hands
There is not enough water in the world
To erase those stains, even if you did want them gone.

Your sins sit heavy on your shoulders
And you don’t think you can bear them anymore
You are stumbling, trying so hard, too hard
To be who you should have been all along.

Sometimes the weight of your own mistakes will be too much.
     You’ll bend further than you thought you could
        And sometimes,
           You will break.

2. Sometimes it’s the sting of someone else’s mistakes
          That hits you like a punch to the face
              And you’ll sit, trying to soothe your wounds
                   Wondering what you did wrong.

3. No one ever tells you there will be times
          You feel guilty for being happy
                                                 Don’t.

4. A knife to the heart will usually hurt more
           Than a knife to the back.
                 But, sometimes, if the aim is right
                                 They’re the same thing.

My body is a graveyard
The inside of my chest a mausoleum
For all the thoughts
That never made it past my lips
All the half forgotten dreams
Buried alive
In the chambers of my heart
Each beat is a fist to a coffin lid
Each breath an attempt to quiet
These restless dead things
That crowd all the spaces within me
This is where I go to remember
All the things I thought I could be.

You turn heel and run
While the world
Snaps at the soles of your feet
Trying to take you down

So you run
Faster and further
Than ever before
Your lungs burn
You run

Your flesh and bones
Are not a cage
But they will slow you down
But what are limits
But rules meant to be

Broken.