I think I've been changing for some time now
growing,
shaping,
learning.
I think that maybe I am new
a new heart,
a new mind.
I am healing and
I
have
been
healed.

Go away.
From my heart,
from my soul,
from my head.

Leave me, please.
Take the memories.
Take the pain.
Take it all.

I don’t want to have your smile memorized.
I don’t want your eye color to be my favorite color.
I don’t want you.
I can’t want you.
I need you gone.

You don’t even know it,
you have this suffocating grasp on my life.
On me.
I can’t breathe here.
Because you’re so close,
so far away.

I should hate you.
I want to hate you.
I can’t though,
my heart won’t let me.

If you ever loved me, let me go.
Let me go
let me go
let me go.

Release me from this suffering,
release me from needing to know you’re okay,
release me from needing to check in on you,
release me from being more worried about you than myself.

****.
****.
****.
Just put me out of my misery.

And I clawed at my skin
Till it was ******, raw.
I pushed, pinched,
Dug my nails in,
Just looking for the red beneath,
While my hands shook
And the tears slipped down my cheeks,
I tore my own flesh apart.

Maybe I should have been better,
Maybe I can be better,
But I wasn't better,
And now we all suffer.

Grateful for you
That's what I am
Blissfully unaware of how hard it must be for you to love me
With my irrational moods
And my seething rage
And my hastiness to say that you're wrong
I'm a ******* nightmare
I don't know what it is that makes you want to stay
Maybe you were cursed to love a girl so intolerable
So intolerable that everyone else in her life leaves

Maybe that's why you stay
You see how few people can even stand me
And you've taken it upon yourself to stand me
And stand me for the long haul
Because you look in my eyes and you tell me you love me,
That you want me,
That you need me.
And I can see it's the truth.

But sometimes I pity you
And I wish I were strong enough to sever the connection
To protect you from further torture of loving me
But I'm far too weak to let you go
And I'm far too selfish to think of you over me

But I want to say that I'm sorry
For all the moods I go through in a day
And all the stress I must cause you

But if it's any consolation,
I love you from the very bottom of my heart
And you are the most important thing in my world
And if I could change myself,
Become more tolerable,
More lovable,
I would for you.

There's no room left
No more room for all
this ******* trauma and pain
no more time for
taking shaky breathes
no more love for people who don't love me back.
No more
because feeling like I'm drowning
Every God ****** day of my life
isn't how I want to live
not anymore.

So I'm gonna step back
and assess this shitpile of a situation
and then leave it
and leave you
because I want to feel like I can breathe again
and you're just holding me under the water

Seeing him causes a pain so acute in my chest I fear that my heart might burst
Seeing him causes a rush of memories that used to be happy but now are filled with regret
Seeing him makes me wonder if I'm a bad person or if it's him
Or maybe it's neither of us at all
Maybe we are just two different types of broken
The types of broken that cannot quite understand each other
Because they are far too broken in their own ways to see anyone else's pain
But I can see his pain
Can he see mine?

A boy who used to be one of the select few people I trust
Gave me more reasons not to trust people
And assume that everyone leaves once they've taken from you what they wanted
Once they've gotten your trust
Once they've gotten your secrets
Once they've gotten your adoration
They find the escape hatch
They reach for the rip chord
And they leave.

I've often felt that people left me for good reason
I'm too loud
And I'm not all that smart
And I'm irritatingly full of love
Full of so much love for anyone who needs it
But when someone leaves I decide I love too much
I push too much
I'm too open, too trusting

Every person
Every single one
Has caused a need in me
To build up walls
To build up an incredible fortress
Because if anymore scar tissue were to cover my heart
I'm positive it would just stop

But it should have stopped with him then I suppose
Because the amount of pain he has caused
With every scornful glance
And every part of a friendship twisted and snapped
Maybe my fortress will be impenetrable now though
Maybe I'll be stronger

But I don't feel stronger
I feel broken
And hurt
And a special sort of lost
Because I know exactly where I am
But it's not at all where I thought I'd be

Is it possible to love with every part of a shattered heart?