I haven"t written anything in a long time. I've experienced many things since the last time I was on here. Heartbreak after I never thought my heart could love again (from previous heartbreak.) I feel stuck where I am.. quicksand holds me in place while the world around me keeps moving.. am I doing what I should be? Where will I be ten years from now? Somewhere self sufficient I hope. I'm tired of feeling helpless, like the heart I have doesn't work, or maybe it only works for one person.. I'll move slow like a turtle and hope you catch up to me. (Only he'll get that) and probably never will because what would he be doing on here? I miss you so much, my best friend was taken from me along with the love of my life. It's sad I feel the need to post this.. might be the four glasses of wine or just the fact that I really miss you rn, but I needed to write this, maybe not this  in particular, but something. I feel so unoriginal.

I feel so stupid. I'm angry. I thought I knew you, the deepest parts of you. How could you do this? How could she do this? The same place we had done it before. There I was sound asleep in my bed, probably dreaming about a future with you.. and you.. you were with her. Maybe it would be easier if I knew you did it to hurt me.. I know you made a mistake, but that mistake is killing me. I can't breathe or speak or do anything without thinking about that night. About you and her. Together. It's been months since it happened, and last night is the first I'm hearing of it. What, were you just planning to keep this frok me forever? Every moment you looked in my eyes and told me you love me and that I'm the most beautiful girl in the world, every time you held me and told me I'm your only.. those things aren't true. They were lies. These past three months have just been one clusterfuck of a lie. I want to *****. I want to scream and yell and cry and laugh at myself for being such a ******* fool. I love you, I always will, but is that enough? What if this pain is stronger than our love? What if I can never be with you again without thinking about her? Have I wasted more than a year of my life? Has all of this been for nothing? My mind is spinning and running and jumping up and down with thoughts and emotions that I am too ******* overwhelmed to process. So I will just go on with my day, and smile, like th content little girl they want me to be. It's easier that way, right?

Sometimes things don't go how you planned. I don't understand my own mind and that scares me. I used to write poetry, but now when I try to write, nothing happens. I wish I knew why. I am unsure where I belong. I live in a home that isn't mine, with people that aren't my family. I wish I could find the switch in my head that makes me know what to do. What to say. How to fix things, how to be happy. It's so hard to go through the jumble of thoughts in my head to pick out the ones that matter, the ones that are real. I have so much to say, until it's time to say it. I am so tired.

no matter how deafening my voice
nobody really hears me

My arms and legs move
connected to strings
that I do not hold

these tears,
my only relief

words escape me,
solutions out of reach

I am trapped in my own mind

the tears I can't help but shed,
they blur my view of reality

or do they?

she walked the empty halls
her footsteps echoed in the quiet
sunlight streamed through high windows
she dragged her hands along the walls
where books and pens once were
where whispered conversations were held
where two people learned to love
those summers came and went
hearts were broken and tears shed
lessons learned and tests taken
the place that seemed like everything
became a memory
things she thought would end the world
became the least of her worries

she couldn't see this through the crowd

the path i should walk
to take me to places i should go
with friends i should talk to
and the boys i should like
the book i should read
that tells me what i should be doing
flaws i should cover up
clothes i should wear
food i should eat
to ensure i look the way i should

i'm gonna go where i want
with the people that make me happy
regardless of if it's what i "should" do
because i'm sick and tired
of being defined and confined
by what people believe i should do
because of what i look like
or where i come from
my gender
my age
my race

you only get one life

why waste it doing what you "should"?

SO FRUSTRATED

i used to write to let out the pain
as ink spilled onto the smooth white surface
so did the excruciating truth
but now it seems
the ink is red
and it spills from the
wound that you left me
with every stroke of the pen
each memory of you and I
comes rushing back
like salt burning flesh

you would take me
to the most beautifully secluded places
we would lie wrapped up
in each other
but i guess you got tired
of just me and you
because you packed up your things
and drove off
i've been here in this place
for a year since you left
can't find my out
the sun never rises
but there are no stars
just darkness
and as i wander about
things jump out
and drag me down
but i keep getting up
for i hope i will find
someone else who was left here
alone

i really just need someone to care

i used to think that smile was just for me

summer is the most beautiful season
not because of the
shadows trees leave as sun 
filters through their branches

or the glittering of light rays
bouncing off the water's clear surface

it's the warm feeling of my cheek
on your smooth, bronzed skin 
as we lay in the sunshine 

your incredible smile 
as you emerge from the water
and lock eyes with me

you are my favorite season

i like to think i'm okay
i'm not the only one that hurts
others have it way worse
it just wasn't meant to be
every thing happens for a reason
time heals all wounds

but

as i watch the sun set
and the sky become dark
the stars take me back to
each night i spent in your arms
my mind becomes flooded
with haunted memories of lovely days
and i forget to remember all those
logical things
because all i remember is you

i see you in everything
not just in the lonely empty moments
as I walk through the bright day
surrounded by laughter
all I hear is your laugh
that I haven't heard in months
but I remember the exact sound
as if you are still inches away
smiling on my lips

i can almost see you

your arms held me
together
so when you let go
and walked away
i fell apart
a million pieces of
confusion and pain
as time went on the pieces of me
became sharper and more jagged
nobody would dare try
to put me back together
for everyone i touch
gets cut

i began to love you
and as you began to love me back
i began to love myself

life has become a jumble
of tear stained pillowcases
fake smiles
and memories of you
four hundred twenty three days later
you still have all my thoughts
every endless maze in my mind
is me chasing you
but i can never catch up
and now i'm just walking
turning this way and that
hoping i'll turn around
and you'll be looking for me
you'll smile and tell me
you always planned on
keeping your promise
and then i'll sit up
look around my dark room
and lay my head back on
my tear stained pillowcase
36,547,200 seconds later

whispers fill my ears
they think i don't hear
or
they hope i do

my heart was a cat
that wandered until
it found you
curiosity is a dangerous thing

who stumbled upon
a pile of rocks
and looked closer than
anyone had before
who found
the first gem
and decided it was valuable

today it rained
as the sun shined brightly
and i thought
that's what it was like
being with you

tell me how my eyes
told you things words never could
how you could dance
to the sound of my laughter
how my hands were
the anchor of your sanity
how when i slept
the world was a little less bright
how my smile stopped time
then tell me how forever
ended so quickly

she sees herself looking back at her
pigtails and missing teeth
perfect
as she grows, she sees and hears.
words and images
begin to blind her of the truth
she looks but all she sees
is incompetence and flaws
if only she had the strength
to rid herself of
the lies that have covered her
she can no longer see it
but she is
perfect

i used to go to sleep anxious
for morning
to see your smile along with the sun
now i drift into unconsciousness
hoping to stay there
a little longer
knowing my dreams
are the only place i'll be seeing you

i fell
you caught me
why did you let go
why
am i still falling

people make promises
knowing they can't keep them
or having no intention of doing so

the past is the past
at least that's what they say
so why does it seem the past
is following me
i can run without looking back
but it always catches up
i can hide in the highest places
but somehow it finds me

i have tried to put into words
the way i felt when you smiled
to explain the pain
of feeling you let go
of my shaking hand
watching you walk away
hearing you cry as you said goodbye
and then i realized when you left
you took the words with you

when days turn into seconds
and it flashes before your eyes
when all you see is a blur
of waiting and hoping
when your last breath is lingering
in that split second
will it be worth watching
or will you regret

sometimes smiles are really tears
and laughs really cries for help
a sliver of hope that someone,
anyone, will save them.
save them, from the vastness,
the oblivion that is worthlessness
every smile is a trembling hand
reaching up from the dark,
wishing that for once,
someone will take their hand
and help them up
before they are too weak
to reach for it
before they fall completely