I haven"t written anything in a long time. I've experienced many things since the last time I was on here. Heartbreak after I never thought my heart could love again (from previous heartbreak.) I feel stuck where I am.. quicksand holds me in place while the world around me keeps moving.. am I doing what I should be? Where will I be ten years from now? Somewhere self sufficient I hope. I'm tired of feeling helpless, like the heart I have doesn't work, or maybe it only works for one person.. I'll move slow like a turtle and hope you catch up to me. (Only he'll get that) and probably never will because what would he be doing on here? I miss you so much, my best friend was taken from me along with the love of my life. It's sad I feel the need to post this.. might be the four glasses of wine or just the fact that I really miss you rn, but I needed to write this, maybe not this in particular, but something. I feel so unoriginal.
I feel so stupid. I'm angry. I thought I knew you, the deepest parts of you. How could you do this? How could she do this? The same place we had done it before. There I was sound asleep in my bed, probably dreaming about a future with you.. and you.. you were with her. Maybe it would be easier if I knew you did it to hurt me.. I know you made a mistake, but that mistake is killing me. I can't breathe or speak or do anything without thinking about that night. About you and her. Together. It's been months since it happened, and last night is the first I'm hearing of it. What, were you just planning to keep this frok me forever? Every moment you looked in my eyes and told me you love me and that I'm the most beautiful girl in the world, every time you held me and told me I'm your only.. those things aren't true. They were lies. These past three months have just been one clusterfuck of a lie. I want to *****. I want to scream and yell and cry and laugh at myself for being such a ******* fool. I love you, I always will, but is that enough? What if this pain is stronger than our love? What if I can never be with you again without thinking about her? Have I wasted more than a year of my life? Has all of this been for nothing? My mind is spinning and running and jumping up and down with thoughts and emotions that I am too ******* overwhelmed to process. So I will just go on with my day, and smile, like th content little girl they want me to be. It's easier that way, right?
Sometimes things don't go how you planned. I don't understand my own mind and that scares me. I used to write poetry, but now when I try to write, nothing happens. I wish I knew why. I am unsure where I belong. I live in a home that isn't mine, with people that aren't my family. I wish I could find the switch in my head that makes me know what to do. What to say. How to fix things, how to be happy. It's so hard to go through the jumble of thoughts in my head to pick out the ones that matter, the ones that are real. I have so much to say, until it's time to say it. I am so tired.
January 29th, 2017
no matter how deafening my voice
nobody really hears me
My arms and legs move
connected to strings
that I do not hold
my only relief
words escape me,
solutions out of reach
I am trapped in my own mind
the tears I can't help but shed,
they blur my view of reality
or do they?
is this a losing fight?
she walked the empty halls
her footsteps echoed in the quiet
sunlight streamed through high windows
she dragged her hands along the walls
where books and pens once were
where whispered conversations were held
where two people learned to love
those summers came and went
hearts were broken and tears shed
lessons learned and tests taken
the place that seemed like everything
became a memory
things she thought would end the world
became the least of her worries
she couldn't see this through the crowd
it's almost over